i attacked the upcoming nest of carpenter bees that are attempting to move in over my back door. grumpy killed 3 of the nasty critters already, looking like a circus sideshow freak with arms and legs flailing – fly swatter swishing and swashing. but still, there was one (that i know of) that was left and he was bound and determined to take up residence. over my dead body.
when i saw him land and “walk in his front door”, i said ENOUGH!. in the house i went in search of the flyswatter that is always in its accustomed place. i knew that but i still had to look. its what i do. i know where it is. i know that its there, near the back door. but i still have to take a quick look around. but with flyswatter in my hand like a samurai sword, out the back door i went, on the sneak attack.
wham wham wham i banged the overhang about where i knew he was and sure enough, a few seconds later out he came and would you believe, this bee looked right at me and tried to poo on me!!!! (yes, bee’s poo). then he started his buzzing around our back porch. after watching him closely to get an idea of how he was going to react, and how i was going to ninja him down and kill him, i assumed the crane position, and with a waaooaoaoaao off i went.
the bee zigged, the bee zagged with me in hot pursuit. when he zigged, i zigged. when he zagged, i zagged watching him ever so closely in order to get an idea of where he was going to go. this was no ordinary carpenter bee, this bee was a pro, he obviously had been stalked before. i followed him around the grill, swatter at the ready waiting for my shot. this bee gave me a run for my ninja skill money and wasnt making this easy. i guess you dont get that big without being able to evade hunters. but he hadnt met me yet. a mistake he would regret with his life.
i saw my opening when he hesitated briefly and SWAT came the swatter/samurai sword and i took that damn bee down right out of the air. but he was only stunned. for now. the hapless and shortly dead bee was on the ground, little legs flailing and i attacked that sob with a ferociousness reserved for anyone who messes with my kids. whap whap whap whap whap. with each whap, the bee moved a bit so im chasing this dying menace across the patio making good and sure he was going to be dead shortly. im tellin ya gentle readers, you’d think that with the strength of my samurai sword, he’d have been flattened but good but nooooo, the good Lord made these bees damn near indestructible. it took me a good 6 shots with my swatter to make sure he was dead (i wasnt wearing shoes so there was no stomping on said bee) but he wouldnt flatten and when i hit something, i hit it like a man. i dont play games.
finally, the bee gave up his ghost and met the DEATH of BEE’S. with arms raised in a V and the dead lay in a pool of bee goo below, i did my victory dance of joy. you do know, its hard to enjoy your patio when you have bigassed carpenter bees flying around. i like to enjoy my patio and thats also where we put out the heinous hounds. so its a good idea to be bee free. we’ve got our exercise equipment out there, a picnic table, chairs, cooler and a grill. its a happenin patio. we also share it with our neighbor who is free to use our stuff (sans exercise equipment). we’re nice that way. if you use the grill, just give us a few bucks for the propane or buy a tank lol. we have a great neighbor so we dont mind.
it finally looks like the DEATH of BEES has taken up residence out back warning carpenter bees of their impending doom should they decide to try to move in. the front porch however….. has those nasty hornet/wasps. not the happy yellow jackets that will fly away if you swat at their general direction or blow smoke at them. nooooo, these fuckers, if you try a concerted attack will come after you with repeated stings (not speaking from experience here lol). these critters who are trying to take up residence will need a different kind of attack – the raid bee killer can, sprayed at dusk in the areas where they are trying to make a home. you see, we also enjoy sitting out front in the late afternoons watching the traffic go by. its a country living thing. we have our table and chairs with buttcan (we smoke outside) set up nicely to enjoy everything from the beautiful sunrises we get here, to the boomers moving over the fields to nightfall, when its cool and breezy and feels so comfortable.
as you can see, i dont like bees gentle readers lol. but my mad ninja skills proved effective in ridding our back patio of a very large and nasty critter! now to get the hounds, particularly pez from chasing birds or copping the smell of the young rabbits who live here. one of them got right by the little vermin killer without him even seeing it, to the delight of grumpy and i who watched the whole thing!
ahhhh country living. i wouldnt trade it for anything!
my beautiful daughter and new son in law. yes gentle readers, you read right, im now the proud mother of the bride and son in law! it was a loooooong ride to the city where my rocket scientist daughter and her astrophysicist (i think, im never sure – he’s just as brilliant as she is) son in law decided to make an honest couple out of each other but the result was a weekend filled with joy, happiness and several white zinfandels. i even dealt with my ex happily for a change lol. i tolerate him when i have to see him, but this weekend i could look at him and remember when. with a smile.
but the arrangements we had to make with the heinous hounds were the only hitch in what were otherwise awesome plans. we worry about our babies and when minime graduated college last week (suma cum laude no less…), they had a hissy cow with us being away just for the day! fortunately we have awesome neighbors who took good care of them and did the same, alone with my best bud this weekend. weekend. we were gone for the weekend. in a way it was like a second honeymoon and i reminded my beloved that i’d once told him i’d get him in a hotel if it killed me! now we’re not rocket scientists or astrophysicists, but we stayed at a holiday inn express… the executive suite no less. i spared no expense for this wedding!
the family started gathering on thursday with the arrival of her little brother from college. having him almost home filled me with much happiness as if any of you are mothers out there, you know the happy but sad feeling you have when your kids grow up and away from you. having them “home” again, even if only for a couple of days is soul lightening. but i didnt see him until saturday when we all gathered in the wedding town. it was ok, he was here and that was good enough for me.
grumps and i had originally planned on riding out on friday but he decided that he needed a new coat, shirt and black jeans for the wedding so friday turned into shopping day rather than loooooooong driving day. s’ok – my beloved was as resplendent as the noonday sun! smokin hot if you ask me! i even managed to cop myself a couple of tops which was a banner day for me as shopping isnt one of my favorite things to do. shopping with grumps isnt a walk in the park – vanity thy name is grumpy lmsao. he gives new meaning to the word picky but when he wants to be, he is impeccably turned out. and i like that about him so i tolerate the shopping woes. funny, i shop with him but he wont shop with me…
as it was a loooooooong drive saturday and the rehearsal was at 11am…. yes. 11am and it was a looooooong drive, we were on the road by 7 and got there with 15 min to spare – with only 2 pit stops on the way. for those of you doing the math, thats just shy of 4 hours. 4 hours, 3 tunnels and magnificent scenery to prepare ourselves for what was going to be a busy but fun day. so we gathered at the venue, a beautiful room they booked and the merriment began as the matron/maids of honor and groomsmen laughed and laughed while the bride and bridgegroom laughed and supervised the merriment. they practiced the walk down the aisle and then minime being escorted by her dads while the moms looked on and laughed and laughed. they did the practice a couple of times to make sure everyone knew their positions and timing and then it was time for lunch. olive garden never tasted better and it was more laughs and laughs, you get 16 people together, its going to be a fun time, especially when some of them havent seen each other for a while!
then it was time to break, go get our rooms, get some late shopping done and a nap before we met at the campground for a cookout campfire with minimes dads family. that was when i finally got a chance to spend some quality time with my son, of whom i am so proud. he’s grown up so much and has learned some valuable life lessons. this is one proud momma and i have to admit i have great looking kids lol. my sister and her family got there and my brother in law told us some seriously funny military stories (the hawk story was hilarious) and admitted that he hates the cia. so do i – stupid spooks lol. but we all sat around the fire while my son tended the grill (food was AWESOME – that family can cook!) giving directions to everyone who got lost trying to find the campground, even me lol. it was one big cookout campfire! with the beers flowing, stories being told and laughter abounding. when i finally realized it was dark, it was time for me to split back to the hotel so i could get some sleep for the big day. im sure the party however, knowing that family, went on for another several hours. they do it right!
cut to the next morning getting picked up by the bride at an ungodly hour so we can all meet at the hairdresser for the beautification! this particular salon wasnt even open but they opened up early for the wedding party and made us all look wonderful and the bride, the beginnings of radiant. by the time we were all done (there were a lot of us lol) we had an hour and a half to kill before it was time to be at the venue to get ready and photos. so back to our respective hotels we went and hung out till it was time to be at the venue. when i walked in our room, grumps was already dressed! and again as resplendent as the noonday sun. damn he looked good! i couldnt understand getting ready so early but thats my beloved so i dont worry about it. finally it was time to split, i got dressed and off we went.
getting ready with the bridal party was one laugh after another with my sister (matron of honor) doing several of our makeups. makeup for several of us? lol. when my daughter came out in her dress, i teared up but managed to keep my composure, but all i could think was: my baby. my beautiful beautiful baby. was getting married. i was thrilled yet sad at the same time. its a hard thing to describe that feeling – my child was finally flying away (college doesnt count lol). but i was happy because i knew we were giving her to a wonderful man who challenged her, loved her with all his being and made her happy. what more could a mother want? i’ll never ever forget that afternoon. but everyone was finally dressed and beautiful and it was time for the pictures. that was much fun with the groom and groomsmen hamming it up at the fountain… i so cant wait for the disc and to be able to make pictures to put on my wall. my niece was the photog and an awesome photog she is! those pictures are going to be incredible. so we got that out of the way and the bridal party went into seclusion right before the guests started to arrive.
its ceremony time now. pachbels canon is being played, the bridesmaids are walking down the aisle followed by the matron of honor. the pastor asks all to stand as the mothers stand up (oops lol) and in walks the most radiant bride ive ever seen. i started crying. yes gentle readers, socially unattractive started crying. because i was happy, because i was sad, because my daughter was getting married to an awesome young man. when she was escorted to her man, the pastor asked who gives this woman to this man and the dads said we do (i raised my hand lol). and then… only my kids would do this – the pastor started reciting the wedding vows from the princess bride: Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam… suffice it to say, i lost it. he then laughed and started over while the bride and groom chuckled at the joke they had played on everyone. props kiddos – props. you done good!
their vows were touching, the looks on their faces beautiful to behold (but i had $5 on the groom passing out as he got teary eyed at the rehearsal lol) and then they were pronounced man and wife and im still crying like a baby lol. then it was procession time then hors d’oveurs time while dinner was set up and the merriment began. as always the dancing started slow but shonuff the dance floor filled up while people learned new steps and laughed and laughed. the dinner was phenomenal – i wouldnt have expected any less from my kids and the cake – oh the cake… oh the cake lolol. when they cut the cake, they didnt smash each other in the face (i paid a lot for this dress… lol) but my new son dashed some on minime’s nose and then kissed it off her. talk about sweet. at one point grumps told me he wished he thought of writing up a deed to our daughter and giving it to her husband when he handed her off to him. THAT would have been awesome. and a reminder of when he and i got married and we gave them honorary certificates to the new family name. its starting to get late now, kids time and time for us to leave. (ok grumps was getting tired…). we got back to our room and i swear we were out cold in minutes lol.
so. 3.15am this morning i hear this sound. wtf is that? beloved says my alarm. sorry. now as an insomniac when i wake up, im up. i tried to go back to sleep but i knew after 30 seconds it wasnt going to work so off to the front lobby for coffee i went and outside for a smoke. beloved was right behind me lol. so – you want to leave now he says? my head snapped up. what??? sigh ok. but im finishing my coffee first. so we were on the road home at 4.15am. made it home by 7.30am. made great time despite some fog we ran into somewhere out there lol. first thing i did was make another pot of coffee!!! and a pitcher of iced tea lol and we’re here, happy, exhausted and happy. happy that our daughter has married the man of her dreams and is beginning her life. a life filled with happiness and joy. and a whole lot of fun. i know my kids!
but the best part of the night was when they danced together as husband and wife. they danced to josh turner’s in my dreams. yes. i cried.
forever is going to look beautiful on you kids. i love you both so much.
its missing gentle readers and if you find it, please return to SU. i sit here, wondering what to diss, mock or generally make fun of (other than tourists, they really piss me off) and im at a loss for words. thank god that doesnt happen that often (i just go for months without writing lol).
there is so much to do, so much to say and im having a hard time realizing that i have a kid old enough to graduate college this weekend (CANT WAIT), then waits a week and gets married while waiting for her ots orders (thats officer training school if you didnt know). my kid will rule the world if she has any say about it lmsao. i know she’ll make my soon to be new son in law salute her – bwahahahaha.
but what i find disturbing is the fact that there are weekly searches for my stalker (by name) on my blog constantly. i dont know what her problem is other than being a sociopath psychopathic loser. she did her damage, what little there was, to me, why is she or her minions hanging about? it gets better – she and her “friends” or partners in crime lol read here and i for the life of me cant figure out why. she’s nothing. she’s marginalized and is missing in action (oh i could only hope for real). so that makes me wonder what is that ignorant arundale up to? i know she tried to charge her boyfriend with domestic abuse – but she was totally liquored up and caused it herself then tried to fry him. i helped his attorney in any way i could. i hope you read that suzanne. yes, i tried to help the om get off on what were trumped up charges. i hope some of hte info about you i provided to his attorney helped him you ignorant c*nt. now dont you think its time to stay the hell out of my life, you lost – again.
ah snark. its coming back and it feels great lol. so lets talk about tourists. my number one complaint. would someone please explain to me the wisdom of doing 35 in a 55 zone because you’ve never seen an amish team of 6 plow or even a buggy for that matter. does pulling over to the side of the road occur to you? and dont get me started about hats. the older the driver the worse it is. and before i say anything i will regret (yeah, right) i’ll leave this subject for a day when im stuck behind them and can really do it justice.
we took a glorious ride on saturday, oh how i missed being on the back of the bike. i may have an opportunity for a dyna low rider if the price is right and we can negotiate. i know my beloved wants another harley. he can deny it till he’s blue in the face but i.know.him. but this bike shall be mine and if he’s a good boy, i’ll let him ride it lol.
snark – where have you been? ive missed you my friend. you’re coming and going and i cant find my stride.
SociallyUnattractive
