forever is going to look beautiful on you

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my beautiful daughter and new son in law.  yes gentle readers, you read right, im now the proud mother of the bride and son in law! it was a loooooong ride to the city where my rocket scientist daughter and her astrophysicist (i think, im never sure – he’s just as brilliant as she is) son in law decided to make an honest couple out of each other but the result was a weekend filled with joy, happiness and several white zinfandels.  i even dealt with my ex happily for a change lol.  i tolerate him when i have to see him, but this weekend i could look at him and remember when. with a smile.

but the arrangements we had to make with the heinous hounds were the only hitch in what were otherwise awesome plans. we worry about our babies and when minime graduated college last week (suma cum laude no less…), they had a hissy cow with us being away just for the day! fortunately we have awesome neighbors who took good care of them and did the same, alone with my best bud this weekend. weekend. we were gone for the weekend. in a way it was like a second honeymoon and i reminded my beloved that i’d once told him i’d get him in a hotel if it killed me!  now we’re not rocket scientists or astrophysicists, but we stayed at a holiday inn express… the executive suite no less. i spared no expense for this wedding!

the family started gathering on thursday with the arrival of her little brother from college.   having him almost home filled me with much happiness as if any of you are mothers out there, you know the happy but sad feeling you have when your kids grow up and away from you. having them “home” again, even if only for a couple of days is soul lightening.  but i didnt see him until saturday when we all gathered in the wedding town.  it was ok, he was here and that was good enough for me.

grumps and i had originally planned on riding out on friday but he decided that he needed a new coat, shirt and black jeans for the wedding so friday turned into shopping day rather than loooooooong driving day.  s’ok – my beloved was as resplendent as the noonday sun!  smokin hot if you ask me!  i even managed to cop myself a couple of tops which was a banner day for me as shopping isnt one of my favorite things to do. shopping with grumps isnt a walk in the park – vanity thy name is grumpy lmsao. he gives new meaning to the word picky but when he wants to be, he is impeccably turned out. and i like that about him so i tolerate the shopping woes.  funny, i shop with him but he wont shop with me…

as it was a loooooooong drive saturday and the rehearsal was at 11am…. yes. 11am and it was a looooooong drive, we were on the road by 7 and got there with 15 min to spare – with only 2 pit stops on the way. for those of you doing the math, thats just shy of 4 hours.  4 hours, 3 tunnels and magnificent scenery to prepare ourselves for what was going to be a busy but fun day.  so we gathered at the venue, a beautiful room they booked and the merriment began as the matron/maids of honor and groomsmen laughed and laughed while the bride and bridgegroom laughed and supervised the merriment.  they practiced the walk down the aisle and then minime being escorted by her dads while the moms looked on and laughed and laughed.  they did the practice a couple of times to make sure everyone knew their positions and timing and then it was time for lunch. olive garden never tasted better and it was more laughs and laughs, you get 16 people together, its going to be a fun time, especially when some of them havent seen each other for a while!

then it was time to break, go get our rooms, get some late shopping done and a nap before we met at the campground for a cookout campfire with minimes dads family.  that was when i finally got a chance to spend some quality time with my son, of whom i am so proud. he’s grown up so much and has learned some valuable life lessons. this is one proud momma and i have to admit i have great looking kids lol.  my sister and her family got there and my brother in law told us some seriously funny military stories (the hawk story was hilarious) and admitted that he hates the cia.  so do i – stupid spooks lol. but we all sat around the fire while my son tended the grill (food was AWESOME  – that family can cook!) giving directions to everyone who got lost trying to find the campground, even me lol.  it was one big cookout campfire! with the beers flowing, stories being told and laughter abounding.  when i finally realized it was dark, it was time for me to split back to the hotel so i could get some sleep for the big day. im sure the party however, knowing that family, went on for another several hours. they do it right!

cut to the next morning getting picked up by the bride at an ungodly hour so we can all meet at the hairdresser for the beautification! this particular salon wasnt even open but they opened up early for the wedding party and made us all look wonderful and the bride, the beginnings of radiant.  by the time we were all done (there were a lot of us lol) we had an hour and a half to kill before it was time to be at the venue to get ready and photos.  so back to our respective hotels we went and hung out till it was time to be at the venue. when i walked in our room, grumps was already dressed! and again as resplendent as the noonday sun. damn he looked good! i couldnt understand getting ready so early but thats my beloved so i dont worry about it.  finally it was time to split, i got dressed and off we went.

getting ready with the bridal party was one laugh after another with my sister (matron of honor) doing several of our makeups. makeup for several of us? lol.  when my daughter came out in her dress, i teared up but managed to keep my composure, but all i could think was: my baby. my beautiful beautiful baby. was getting married.  i was thrilled yet sad at the same time. its a hard thing to describe that feeling – my child was finally flying away (college doesnt count lol). but i was happy because i knew we were giving her to a wonderful man who challenged her, loved her with all his being and made her happy.  what more could a mother want?  i’ll never ever forget that afternoon. but everyone was finally dressed and beautiful and it was time for the pictures. that was much fun with the groom and groomsmen hamming it up at the fountain… i so cant wait for the disc and to be able to make pictures to put on my wall.  my niece was the photog and an awesome photog she is!  those pictures are going to be incredible. so we got that out of the way and the bridal party went into seclusion right before the guests started to arrive.

its ceremony time now. pachbels canon is being played, the bridesmaids are walking down the aisle followed by the matron of honor. the pastor asks all to stand as the mothers stand up (oops lol) and in walks the most radiant bride ive ever seen.  i started crying. yes gentle readers, socially unattractive started crying. because i was happy, because i was sad, because my daughter was getting married to an awesome young man.  when she was escorted to her man, the pastor asked who gives this woman to this man and the dads said we do (i raised my hand lol). and then… only my kids would do this – the pastor started reciting the wedding vows from the princess bride: Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam…  suffice it to say, i lost it. he then laughed and started over while the bride and groom chuckled at the joke they had played on everyone.  props kiddos – props.  you done good! :D

their vows were touching, the looks on their faces beautiful to behold (but i had $5 on the groom passing out as he got teary eyed at the rehearsal lol) and then they were pronounced man and wife and im still crying like a baby lol.  then it was procession time then hors d’oveurs time while dinner was set up and the merriment began.  as always the dancing started slow but shonuff the dance floor filled up while people learned new steps and laughed and laughed.  the dinner was phenomenal – i wouldnt have expected any less from my kids and the cake – oh the cake… oh the cake lolol.  when they cut the cake, they didnt smash each other in the face (i paid a lot for this dress… lol) but my new son dashed some on minime’s nose and then kissed it off her. talk about sweet.  at one point grumps told me he wished he thought of writing up a deed to our daughter and giving it to her husband when he handed her off to him. THAT would have been awesome. and a reminder of when he and i got married and we gave them honorary certificates to the new family name.  its starting to get late now, kids time and time for us to leave.  (ok grumps was getting tired…).  we got back to our room and i swear we were out cold in minutes lol.

so. 3.15am this morning i hear this sound. wtf is that? beloved says my alarm. sorry. now as an insomniac when i wake up, im up. i tried to go back to sleep but i knew after 30 seconds it wasnt going to work so off to the front lobby for coffee i went and outside for a smoke.  beloved was right behind me lol.  so – you want to leave now he says? my head snapped up. what??? sigh ok. but im finishing my coffee first. so we were on the road home at 4.15am. made it home by 7.30am. made great time despite some fog we ran into somewhere out there lol.  first thing i did was make another pot of coffee!!! and a pitcher of iced tea lol and we’re here, happy, exhausted and happy. happy that our daughter has married the man of her dreams and is beginning her life. a life filled with happiness and joy. and a whole lot of fun. i know my kids!

but the best part of the night was when they danced together as husband and wife. they danced to josh turner’s in my dreams. yes. i cried.

forever is going to look beautiful on you kids. i love you both so much.

mom

its a beautiful day dont let it get away its a beautiful day

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gentle readers.  boy do i love U2.  ive seen them 2 or 3 times (not sure, i don’t remember things very well lol). but one of my best and most favorite all time concerts was the joshua tree tour. wow. then again, it was a couple of days after major surgery and im there at the stadium with a pillow, just in case lol.  oh the things I’ve done to have a good time… ;)

but yes its a beautiful day – today is the day my beautiful daughter turns 23.  or 24.  im not quite sure – math is not one of my better subjects (she’s 23, i found the calculator lol).  interestingly enough, she’s a physics and applied mathematics dual major. don’t know where she got the math bwains from.  wasnt me.  or the rest of her bwains – she’s brilliant, genius or genius plus level brilliant.  butthead and i were cleaning out the shed (where we stashed everything when we moved) to decide what to keep and what to shred.  all the kids stuff was natch a keeper (oh the smiles and near tears) and i found the SAT’s she took when she was in the gifted program in early middle school and she scored low to mid 400’s in math and reasoning.  wow. middle school. ms geek she was and a proud geek she was!  I couldn’t be more proud of her.  or amazed. or bewildered.  my daughter is an enigma.

and now she is an adult. hmm.  not sure if I really like that lol. but it doesn’t matter if I like it or not, time marches on, things change, daughters grow up. and grow up she has. college suits her, if it was up to her, she would be a student forever.  she did not get that from me.  I was talking to my little sister earlier and I told her I remember her holding my infant daughter, she was so small.  my sister said she was so beautiful and she was. so tiny and perfect. so utterly intimidating.  I was totally terrified of this precious little thing I had given birth to. but we learned together, with the help of my mom, how to be a mother and daughter.  as butthead and I were cleaning out the shed today, I found my fantasia tape – KEEPER!  but I also hope I managed to save the little mermaid, her favorite movie. we. watched. that. movie. every. day. several. times. a. day. lol. and i know her tiny little fingerprints are all over it.  I close my eyes…

but if it even looked like it was or smelled like barney its long gone.  I hate that purple dinosaur.

but back to my beautiful adult daughter lol. she’ll be graduating in may.  she’s had her entire senior year paid for by scholarship. if it was anyone else, i would be – that’s so cool!  but with my daughter, im not surprised or amazed. i just shake my head and smile.  it’s just another spark in the brilliant fire that is her life.  she is totally focused on her life, her upcoming career, her fiancée.  i have no idea how i managed to raise such an incredible success/i cant think of the word i want, so i would like to thank butthead, her step dad.  i blame him totally for everything she has become.  i was just the cook, maid, laundry lady and cheerleader lol.  oh yeah – chauffeur.  i was driving miss daisy constantly lol.  but if it was not for him, i don’t think i would have been able to have done it.  so thank you honey.  thank you for helping me create the most incredible kid/adult/daughter the world will see.  i could not have done it on my own.  but daughter mine, when kilo crosses the Rainbow Bridge, the pezzinator is yours. again.  come and get him lol.  i have enough anxiety in my life, his separation anxiety will make me nuttier than i already am lol.

now, my little girl is getting married in may, she’s grown up and is now flying the coop.  going off to college was bad enough, now she’s really leaving home. sigh. she’s starting a family all on her own.  a part of me hates that.  i guess that’s natural, i want to keep my kids close, to protect them from this world we live in now. it’s not the world i grew up in. its dangerous, cruel and i cant handle the thought of anything happening to my daughter or son, anything taking away the innocence before its natural time. i don’t want them to grow up and grow away. i have to protect them but i know i cant, i know its life. something ive never been fond of but it is what it is. holy crap, i just realized ive turned into my father. todays her birthday and i contacted my son and reminded him to call his sister on her birthday – something my dad did to me on my sisters birthdays. omg. and i contacted both my sisters too!!!.  looking up – pop, your legacy lives on!!  may my family forgive me lol.

i think of how she’s changed over the years, from the shyish youngster she was, thru the band geek highschool years to the confident, mature, funny beautiful woman she’s become. and i smile to the amazing brilliant star she will be.  sunny – i will leave you with this –  life’s most valuable lesson and words of wisdom.  because i love you.

What you don’t have you don’t need it now
What you don’t know you can feel it somehow
What you don’t have you don’t need it now
Don’t need it now
It was a beautiful day
ps – i found your hanson ticket  and boy have i forgotten how smokin hot bono is. ;)

i need serenity

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well gentle readers, its been a little longer than i would have liked (yes, i know i can go a month or two) but so many things have been going on and ive had to deal with death yet again. had a wedding to go to.  my second 29th birthday (i liked the first one so much i decided to stay here).   and, my daughter and her boyfriend stopped by for a visit during the long weekend and informed us (ie asked for toms permission*big happy grin*) that THEY’RE GETTING MARRIED AND….. I SAW MY SON – MY MOST AWESOME SON!

where to begin, where to begin…  lets start with the wedding.  two of the people i love most in the world were getting married on 9/1 down in the outter banks.  id been helping when needed to prep for the wedding (researching wedding vows and services).  i have the gas money stashed away so i don’t have to worry about getting there and back, have a friend of jos to ride with me so tom wouldn’t worry lol – im a tentative yes as a go. then the fone rings. see below and there went all my gas and money.  it broke my heart that i couldn’t be there with the people i love most – but it is typical of my life, i make plans, God in His infinite wisdom, laughs soo…

lets talk about the hurt.  i get a call the friday before last from my ex, his mom has been moved to hospice and her organs are failing – its time.  i told him id google map the directions and would be there as soon as possible.  with tears in my eyes i get the directions and blew out the door.  now understand gentle readers, she was not only my mother in law, she was also “my aunt”.  im sure you think that is kind of strange, but i have known her since i was 10 years old and called her “aunt” my whole life.   i knew my ex’s older and younger brother since then, just never my ex.   till my best friend and i wrecked her car looking at two mighty fine-looking young men walking down the side of the road and his younger brother drove the tow truck lol.

so i blow down the road to the hospital, and see my ex in-laws for the first time in a long time and realized that i missed them very much.  we’ve been estranged for a couple of years due to some of my bipolar issues and they have been my family for all of my life.  my oldest friend preferred to remain estranged (she put her hand up to the side of her face as if to say stay away) and that’s her prerogative and i wont waste my time on it but i felt like i have been welcomed back into the fold and it was very very nice to be able to be around my ex and have it be pleasant and hassle free.  i hated seeing him so unhappy – he told me that when he found out his mom was dying, he remembered how it was when it was my mom passed away – they were close.  but i went in to sit with my aunt and let her know how much she meant to me and how much i loved her and that it was ok to let go = there was nothing to be afraid of, she was going home.  i believe in my heart of hearts that she heard me.  i went back out to the hospices general area and caught up with everyone – all my kids have grown up and are getting married, having kids of their own – it was surreal in a strange way.  my ex and i went out to smoke and talk and when we got back, his brother said its time.  everyone all but ran into the room — the silence was tense and palpable and god bless holly, she broke the silence and got us all talking and reminiscing about gram, mom and aunt.  i will never forget pulling into the driveway to see her hip deep rebuilding a motor lol.  we all were laughing and talking knowing she heard us all around her sending her off with joy and happiness.  but when she finally let go, seeing my aunt jean and amy heartbroken destroyed me.  seeing my ex with tears in his eyes broke my heart.  a large part of my heart and life left with her.  i texted both of my kids that their gram had passed away and that their dad needed them and to stick close to him.  im not needed then and let aunt jean know im a phone call away and seeing the sadness in her eyes was more than i could bear, so homeward bound i was.

i hate DEATH.  i hate it so much. its been in my life entirely too much the last 2 years.  im sick of the calls, the texts, the hospital and hospice visits, the visitations and memorials. the loss and pain.  the emptiness that feels like it will never end.  so… my ex texts me the details of the arrangements, the funeral home and visitation/memorial and naturally (sometimes i think they do things like this to me on purpose lmsao) on my birthday.  my second 29th birthday.  my ex was flying our son up and i was looking forward to seeing him.  so the morning of the service, my birthday, i wake up sick as hell starting around 4.30am sick as hell.  i am not sure if im going to make the service and let my ex and son know.  i was going to however see my son if i have to go to my ex’s, ima move mountains and touch the sun if thats what it takes to see my son.  he sounded disappointed on his text (if you can sound anything via text lol) but dammitall i. will. see. my. son. about 10.30/11am i think im feeling like i can make it to the luncheon, buzzed my ex to find out where it is and off i went. only had a couple of pit stops but im going to see my son.  i finally make it to the church and naturally it was about over (its how i roll) but i walk in – and there is my son standing next to his sister and fiance.  i just stood there watching him, absorbing everything i could about him with a mothers pride.  then i walked up to them so happy to have my kids together next to me.  we had a few minutes to chat and i had my picture taken with both my kids – i was thrilled.  but then it was time for everyone to leave and as we were walking away, my son turned around and said Bye Mom – and i turned around – he was looking back and i hollered bye son I Love You!  i miss him so much.  he sent me a text while i was driving home and i don’t use my fone while im driving so i had to wait till i got to a light where i could read it (ive locked the text in my fone) and the pictures – and there is my son – not smiling lol.  i sent back would it kill you to smile in the pictures???  and he sent back “lol alrighty”.   but i got my birthday wish, something i’ve kept close to my heart, i saw my son – and had both my kids together on my birthday – even though it was a sad occasion.

so lets jump back to the weekend before, the long weekend.  we weren’t doing anything except just enjoying our weekend together as there is nothing i like better than waking up next to my beloved.  we catch up with the shows we record during the week, mebbe go food shopping – found a new wallyworld (where i dont feel like shooting everyone, but i still have my social anxiety) and schlep.  sunday was our (ok mine) schelppin day. it was overcast and muggy and i had no intention of getting dressed.  that’s a schleppin day – you just wash your face, brush your teeth and hair, get your make up on and stay comfy on the couch.  then the text message tone rings out thru the house. its my minime, wondering what we’re doing.  i sent back schleppin, why?  she said they were in the area and wanted to know if they could stop by.  i said im schleppin but id get my glad rags on and they can stop over any time they would like.   i always enjoy it when my kids stop by (i consider her boyfriend one of my kids lol).  shortly thereafter, they pull in and we’re happy and catching up and im not quite sure how it all went down now (too much excitement lol) and her boyfriend looked at tom and i and at tom and said i would like your permission to ask your daughter to marry me.

my beloveds face lit up and he said YES, my beautiful daughter and her fiance’s faces were glowing and she pulled out her hand with her engagement ring and all i could do was repeat MY BABY with my hand to my mouth and i got up and picked her up and just hugged her saying my baby.  i am not sure how i managed not to cry lol but my heart was so big it was bout ready to burst.  after i finally let minime go, i grabbed her fiance and gave him a big hug and welcomed him to the family/asylum.  huh – im crying with happiness as im writing this.  i am gaining a wonderful son-in-law – the two of them are great together – he is very good for my daughter and i would bet dollars to donuts she is the same for him. they balance each other.  i told them they will be the power couple of the decade.  i was then sworn to secrecy until the family was told.  daughter mine – you have no idea how hard it was to hold onto the secret of the century – however…. i did tell my 3 dearest girlfriends and an entire biker forum and swore them all to silence – i couldn’t hold it in lol.  i was slightly surprised that neither of my sisters contacted me but hey – that’s how my family rolls.  it’s all good.  now i get to look for mother of the bride dresses and help my beauty in any way she would like in planning her wedding!!!!!

ok – im not quite sure where im at right now – ive covered DEATH, seeing my son, the big announcement, being unable to go to my dear friends wedding, hmm… ah yes, my second 29th birthday lol.  my beloved worked that morning and brought me home a great birthday card from him – and a sweet one from one of his coworkers that we all love (and he’s supposed to give him a big hug from me).  my birthday was on saturday which allowed us to have a rest and recovery day on sunday lol.  i think it was around 5 or 6 that i looked at my beloved and said – wanna go out now rather than later?  sure – lets roll.  we get to the maple and the drunken debauchery begins with a double cap’n and coke….. there was the birthday flaming homo shot (bar birthday shot), several doubles and a shot of tellamore dew (not enough ooooooohs in smooth to describe it) and the jukebox finally went silent lol.  out came my $5 and i all but ran to the box to play real music.  patti and pixie were there (my homegirls – jenattixie town) and we had a blast. i am not quite sure what time we left – i was feelin no pain lol.  hell, i don’t even remember going to bed *chortling*.  i do however, remember with exquisite clarity waking up. and wanting a nap. i was able after a few cups of coffee to make a ham and swiss omelette and following that, curling up on the love seat (a small couch for those of you who don’t know what that is) unable to stretch out (which really sucked because my legs are as long as the damn couch) and finally, taking my much-needed nap.  woke up a couple of hours later, wondering when i could squeeze in my second nap lol.  i have reached the age when it takes at least a day to recover from a night of drinking – but preferably two…

so – where does i need serenity fit in?  ive had my kid rock disc on high rotation (basically because i keep forgetting to bring my other discs out to the truck) and godsmacks serenity is on it and has been in the back of my mind since my mother in law passed away. – i find it to be very soothing and well hell, i just love sully.  yet it means a lot to me as well – i need serenity in the chaos of my mind, but i cant find it.

i need serenity…

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