hot ashes for trees hot after a cool breeze….wish you were here.  this is without a doubt one of pink floyds finest works, next to shine on you crazy diamond – a tribute to syd barrett – but as i sit here listening to it, im finding that there are people in my life i no longer have need for, people who i’ve known forever and a day, people who think that since they took a course in psychology, they know the answer to everything and have a degree by proxy. and quite frankly, all i have to say to her is this…. for those of you too lazy to click the link – its Cee Lo Green – Fuck You.

they couldnt be more wrong.   i dont tell people everything that i deal with, its just easier to let them make their own incorrect decisions and shove me out of their life.  funny, they did this before lol.  i should never have gone to find them when bitchie died.  i find it appalling that some didnt show up to the funeral “because she couldnt handle it”.  i have a lot of issues that i deal with and im dong the best i can with it yet some people do their best to be as judgemental as possible and tell me that im only in it for the dope, yet i was there for bitchies funeral.  and  um, there is only one medication that is “dope worthy”.  again, if you dont know your pharmacology, keep your fucking comments to yourself.  and i know far more about pharmacology than you ever will. its a hobby lol.  i look up every med my docs give me so i know what to look for, contra indications (the falling is always fun) the memory loss is not as much fun but since there is much i dont care to remember, i can dig it.  what is really amusing is when im driving and out of nowhere, i have no idea where iam. totally clueless.  i just figure i’ll stay on the road till something jars my memory lol. ya see – you have to look at this, mental illness, ptsd, etc with a sense of humor – it sometimes is the only thing that works.  the only person who i tell the total truth is my shrink.  and that is as it should be.

minime came home the other day with her other half and cleaned (????) out her room leaving all the shit for her father and i to deal with.  oh so typical, so a lot went to consignment, still have a bunch of shit to go thru and decide trash or consignment.  but at least i got a whole lot of clothes hangers!!! 😀  but still, half assed job, trash all over the floor under the bed, i can only hope that she learns the ins and outs of living with other people and how to live like a human being.  ie – taking out the trash instead of throwing it under the bed etc.  goodwill will get her desk, im keeping the armoir as a place to stash our foodstuffs.  i now truly understand why i always called that room the pit of despair.  i wonder if there are any rous hiding there.  i am slightly scared to go in her room. at least her brother kept his room pretty damn clean.

but this is even better.  pat and i are sitting in the bar this afternoon.  i had a crapload of errands to run for our friend who’s in hospice care and who’d om just had his voicebox removed and a real trach put in.  so we got our friend the things we needed (i had stopped at the bar on teh way back – snake bite please) and got to my friends house and larry didnt start.  i used some of my finer cuss words at larry which didnt work either.  so we take our friends car and realize somethings wrong with it.  get to the bar, have porky check it out and these 2 young men sat down beside me.  butchie carded them, i looked over and said butchie, you just carded my grandson!!!! lmsao.  he and his family have  moved much closer to us which is great, we’ll get to see them more.  its wonderful to have family near by.  my family however, the less said, the better.  satan is still alive and kicking sadly.  bastard got his kidney transplant and is now battling cancer and im sure you all can guess who im rooting for (go cancer).  hell, i’ll pay $50 for someone to go pull the plug.  thats a demon that needs to be exorcized.   i have a sister who has some kind of juvenile criminal justice degree (can we say another faux shrink) who doesnt remember her youth (its best that she doesnt remember the things said about her) and another sister who doesnt remember either but there is something special about this sis.  they dont understand why i cant just “get over it and move on”.  the amount of damage done prevents me to let it go, get over it and move on. but i am however learning to kill the demons when they try to break free.  my next shrink appt is going to be amusing to say the least.

but on a good note, tomorrow’s weather is going to be in the 70’s and that means i dont have to wear socks!!!!  YIPPEE!!! i hate wearing socks and i match my sock by thickness not color lol.  i gotta be me. ;D

the best thing i have however is the bestest friend ever – kd.  she is the only person who NEVER walked away from me when i was in trouble and needed someone.  kinda like alix did back then.  and is doing it again, attempting to hurt me because i inadvertently upset her teenage daughter via facebook. what she doesnt realize is she cant hurt me. she has no power over me. i generally listen to her call, make the appropriate uh huh’s, wow’s etc to let her know im still there, but im really watching tv.  but -= im done. she is hte faux psychologist i referenced above.  i apologize for upsetting the nator – but she is too young to be on my wall regardless of how much i love her.  i run an adult wall.  or did.  i shut it down. im not ready to go back to face book.  only 2 people contacted me to find out why i defriended her and i told cat that i did not, i never would, and that i temporarily shut it down.  i need a break.  and the second person who called me to say what the fuck is someone i care deeply for and i should have known she’d call. i’ll call her later when its time zone appropiate lol.

ive had to let friends i’ve known all my life go due to some pretty ignorant things she said to me. things you cant take back. things that cut like a knife.  and she has absolutly no idea what a fantastic family i had while my children were little and it was just me, tom and the gruesome twosome.  so much laughter – i cherish those memories.  sadly, after my hysterectomy – i went psycho.  had i done a little more research i may not have had it but i had some fairly serious female issues which resulted in the great empty.  its been about 5 years now since i had the surgery and i think ‘[m past the worst of it – no night sweats anymore and i let tom cover up the bedroom window (i would rather have had it left open lol), sometimes i get warm nad the psychoness, well….. go to the search button above and search for the mentalpause entry.  you’ll enjoy it lol. i was on a roll on that entry.  i just look at it as if i have a free pass.  any cop who wants to deal with a woman at defcon 5 deserves what happens to them as at defcon5 we have the strength of 50 men and can and will take your gun away from you easily.  so any of you out there considering a hysterectomy, PLEASE do your research and discuss it, seriously with your gyn.  this is a serious decision and one that should not be taken lightly.

i had a whole different post that i wanted to put up, but it got lost in the graymatter.  im sure it will show up eventually. it was going to be one of my funnier posts but blogs, like life, never turn out the way you want them to.  i was thinking about sending the flute minime left behind to nator as a gift of remembrance but i can make more money consigning it.  i love the nator, but…. shit rolls down hill and its a shame that she gets to lose out because her mom’s a fucking cunt.  yes alix, thats you in a nutshell.  fortunatly none of my friends present and ex are NOTHING at all like the psychopath who stalks me and i am very glad i got the copyright on my blog and someone please remind me to put up my girls blog  Inspiration Nation – a food blog.  I love to cook – and bear has some totally awesome recipes that i cant wait to try!!

but back to my friend who’s under hospice care – my friend pedro and i are alternating nights staying there while her om is in teh hospital.  for a lady in hospice, she looks very good and appears to be fighting, but it breaks my heart to see the cpap she wears at night and the oxygen during the day.  i can handle the oxy during the day, thats normal for someone with 40% lung capacity, but it hurts so very much to see her struggle.   but its the things you do for your friends, you spend the night there so she’s not alone and just hang around the next day running errands and anything she needs and monitor the hospice workers who come daily. she is truly a wonderful lady and i am blessed to have this opportunity to do something good for someone who deserves it – and the lady who sold tom his first harley.  lol it had sat for quite some time when tom bought it and he came to pick me up, i took one look at the bike and said i’ll be right back. i went up to our apt, took a handful of antianxiety meds and said lets go.  i was nice and calm the whole ride lol all the while hoping to god that the bike wouldnt fall apart.  but the  5 years i spent on that bike were 5 of the most glorious years of my life.  painful but glorious lol.

well – i think ive run the gamut of thoughts today, laid to rest my friendship with alix (praise god) and have decided on somethings that will do me some good. i made the attempt to contact minime as i had a deposit in my checking acct from her acct and txted her check your school email – i had emailed her bout the money – nad that dominion fucked up again. whether she responds or not is up to her. whether she acts on it is on her.   i accept the blame for the problems in her teens, some things about her teenage years i dont understand, i covered for her when she wanted a day off (i rewarded my kids with a day off for excellent behaviour and grades – everyone needs a mental health day) so i will accept all blame for what went wrong when i had my hyst.  and other things that do not need to be mentioned and you know what im talking about if you read this sam. which i doubt but.,,,,,,  i was out of line and i will not apologize – that is a sign of weakness and i will not show weakness because that is not what i am.  rule #1.  Never Apologize. it makes you look weak.