allo gentle readers.  its been almost a long time coming, but life, in her intricate ways, decided to throw several blocks in my road – most notably the passing of my dear friend dottie.  the same dottie that i wrote about oh a yearish ago, who we thru the party for.  dottie has been terminal for quite some time, she had had a stroke which necessitated the removal of part of her brain.  lmsao only dottie would joke about having part of her brain missing when she had to wear a helmet to protect the exposed part during her treatment.  god love her!  she also suffered severely from copd, so she carried a portable oxygen container with her when she went out.

mondays at the bar were dottie mondays!  butchie would bring in the fruit of the day and make smoothies – and my bud and i would end up at the maple after curves, sit there and drink smoothies with dottie, and laugh and laugh and laugh.  and when we noticed her lips were turning blue, we’d make her put her oxygen back on!  when it comes to remarkable women – dottie took the cake!  EVERYONE and i mean EVRERYONE knew and loved her.  especially those she worked with and under.  for dots party, my bud and i went to where she worked as they were donating for her party, the supervisors sent words of love and encouragement to dot along with a couple hundred dollars worth of food stuffs, along with a card signed by everyone there!

it was though, the last few months that dottie started the decline.  she’d been terminal for quite some time but the actual decline – sigh.  we’d stop by frequently to check on her – along with damn near everyone at the bar, sometimes just to stop and give her a kiss and say i love you, sometimes to just sit and watch tv with her.  but she always knew when she wanted to be alone and she let you know in no uncertain terms lol.  but still,  to see a woman you knew as vibrant and full of life start fading – it hurts, and reminds you just how fragile our hold on life truly is.

i got the call last friday night – dotties got a fever and fell out of bed, hospice is on its way.  i told my bud gimme 5 to get dressed and i’ll be right there.  i was there in 6 minutes.  keeping the shock off my face was very hard, jaybird was just shy of panic and terror, his lady was getting ready to check out and he wasnt taking it well.  his health issues are pretty fucking bad to boot but all he can think of is dot.  she was out of it on morphine and ativan and i leaned down to give her a kiss on the forehead then picked up her hand, oh so frail, knelt down next to the bed, and started praying.  i just simply asked the Lord to come take her home gently.  she is ready, we’d talked about it before, she knows Him.  i dont know how long i knelt there, i think jaybird must have thought i was trying to wake her up cause i heard my bud say dont worry she’s praying.  and when i was done, i just sat on the bed holding her hand.  my dear dear dot – she was oh so frail and had a temp of 102.8 – that is NOT GOOD.  on the hospice notes, FEVER written out first apparently signifies the end is nigh. dot had also somehow managed to get out of bed so i picked her up and slid her back in bed so she couldnt slide back out – and she was like picking up a feather.   so sad.  =(

we were waiting on the hospice nurse to get there and dottie came out of the stupor and was pretty alert- we talked for a bit, and i told her like i prayed – dot, let go.  its time honey, you know the Lord is waiting for you and its ok, i promise!  she smiled so weakly and then pointed to the silver spider showing up on my forehead and laughed.  damn thats my dottie!!!   she’s getting ready to go home and she’s laughing at me lol.  the nurse showed up, we gave her tylenol and i believe they called the ambulance – or maybe that was saturday.  im iffy -because that is something i dont want to remember.  like when my mom passed.  she died in my arms, i dont want to remember. i want my mommy back.  and like my dad, when he passed back in march – it hurts so much still and i dont want to remember.  i want my daddy back.

fast forward to sunday.  i get the call.  now for the last week i’ve been dreading my fone ringing. and when it rung, i knew.  my bud said the hospice called, we need to get there.  i am not going to talk about it because it hurts still.  but our dottie passed at 3.20, quietly, peacefully.  like i knew she would.  absent from the body, present with the Lord.  and for that i am and always will be eternally grateful!

i posted a memorial on my facebook – farewell dottie, until we meet again on fields of gold.  i will miss you my friend.  we all got back to the bar, jaybird bought us all drinks and a drink for dottie, which we all drank.  i think im going to change my drink to cap’n morgans and coke. to keep dottie with us.  which i find amusing as i havent touched rum in around 30 years lol but that was bacardi so i dont think it counts lol.

but ive been thinking about those of my friends who have gone ahead before me and who i miss terribly.  gordon my dearest bud in highschool – you will never know how much your suicide affected me.  you were one of very few i dearly loved and trusted and was comfortable around.  i dont even have to close my eyes to see you again.

ant – oh ant. meeting you in rehab and finding out you were the boyfriend of my highschool best bud and the father of her child that she put up for adoption.  you became such a good friend to me, we had so much in common, a love of the dead naturally lol but of incredible art (see the bob venosa link).  your club assisted suicide nearly destroyed me.

bitchie.  of whom the less said the better.  but you got what you deserved you rat bastard. my family tried to help you out when we were in high school, it wasnt your fault your father was a raging alcoholic bastard who loved to beat up you and your brother.  but you didnt have to take the path you did and turn into a fucking asshole, much less be a gaping brown asshole around my kids. i hope you are burning in hell and i dont ever want to meet you again in any field.  fuck you.

barbie – my dearest cuz barbie.  damn that aneurysm for taking you away from us so young.  you can never know how much i wish more than anything that i had split grams birthday party and gone back to see you that day!  all i have of you is that flash of a smile and a wave as we were going to the firehall.  i was always so jealous of you cuz – you were blonde, gorgeous and funny as hell and i always wished we could have seen each other more.  and i owe aunt mary a debt of gratitude that i can never repay for taking care of mom when she came home to die.

my aunt florence, who along with aunt mary, cared for my mom when she went home to die of cancer.  aunt florence passed of emphysema.  my mommy passed of cancer.  my father recently passed after a kidney transplant.  my other various family members who DEATH came to claim over the years.  they all had some influence on my life, some for better some for ever.  in my life, i loved them all.