Really, DEATH, dont you have anyone better to bother – saddle up Binkie later…. please im not ready yet.

allo gentle readers. I know, I know its been several days and sadly, the last blog entry had to do with yet another death in my sphere. My dear dear friend dottie passed away after a lengthy illness, but her old man jay – well… we knew he was very ill. He suffered from cancer of the throat, had the trach performed, chemo, the requisite radiation treatments (most of them cancelled by his cunt of a daughter because “she didnt want to drive in the bad weather”) all of which were then taken care of by my friends and I.

so… dottie went home to be with the Lord. *im smiling here – she was ready, she knew where she was going and I cant wait to see her again on fields of gold.. but… we all knew, but didnt want to admit it to ourselves that jay was going to be following her soon. His cancer was back – I wont go into the gory details as well, its none of your fucking business. But it was back and with a vengeance.

Several days ago, my best bud took him to the ER in the middle of the night as there was very bad mojo going on with jay. My best bud’s wife (and my best bud too lol) and i went to see him the next day – for those of you who just dont get it, or cant handle this = come back later, im processing. Walking into his room, seeing the oxy around his trach and his color – well dark, but he is a swarthy dago lmsao – but fairly heavily medicated but aware enough to know we were there – ripped me up. When he passed me the note (trach – cant talk and I dont understand the speaker) “what will you do with me when im gone… keep me with dottie” nearly killed me. It took everything I had to keep the joking note in my voice and I told him jay honey, im gonna string you up like a may pole and dance around you shit head! What do you think im going to do baby, im going to make damn sure you’re with dottie honey, dont you worry about it at all. He sighed and smiled and I knew then he was giving up. He wanted to be with his love. While this is all very unsettling, unhappy, and heartbreaking, he just wants to be with the lady he loved and I knew then he was giving up the fight. It wasnt until the next day when they biopsied his neck around the trach that we knew – docs said cancer back, pervasive – 6 months tops. We all thought no way, very soon.

Suffice it to say, we all were destroyed (well, I was destroyed and crushed when I walked out of the hospital the day he asked me what was I going to do with him). I think we all knew in our hearts of hearts that jay was giving up but we didnt want to admit it to ourselves. And then, to make matters worse, a bunch of assholes from the bar are saying that he brought this on himself with all the drinking. Jebus crist. Last time I checked, alcohol causes cirrocis, not cancer so I slammed a quick note on my fb stating that and if any of the assholes at the bar had a problem with that to see ME AND MY FRIENDS! The poor man would do shots of ginger brandy – to help with the pain of the cancer. And towards the end, he had a feeding tube as he couldnt eat or drink due to the trach. I simply do not understand how people can be such gaping brown assholes. And these were his friends. Ignorant fuckers. Karma is a fickle mistress assholes – just you wait. Your turn is coming. I’ll make goddamn sure of it.

Lets fast forward to saturday. Not only are we expecting fucking snow in OCTOBER!!! but its a saturday at work and my ass works overtime. But I get a txt – jay is worse and being moved to hospice, they have an opening. I was outta there in minutes. Funny thing the weather on saturday, it was raining where I worked but the closer I got to home, the more the weather changed from rain to yes, you guessed right, snow. I spent the afternoon at the hospital with jay, just holding his hand and letting him know what an asshole he was for giving us all a scare like that. And for any of you who are going to be a dumbfuck and attempt to critizice me for giving him a hard time – what would you do in my shoes? Coddle him? Treat him like a babe? Fuck you – i’ll treat him like I did at the bar, or at his house when we were taking care of dottie – treat him like my best friend. NOT LIKE SOMEONE WHO IS GETTING READY TO CHECK OUT. Anything less than that is pathetic and you’ve been warned, im Socially Unattractive.

I had to bug out of the hospital and head home – my anxiety and issues were starting to get to me so I had to take care of my messed up head. But.. did I mention that we were getting snow? And the trees still had their leaves on them? Suffice it to say, my beloved and I spent the rest of the day shaking while branches, large branches crashed down on the house all day long. Lol at one point, I was sitting in the living room, power’s out and im bummed and I hear a crash and butthead came RUNNING out of the laundry room – where we go to watch the storms. Its also our back/front door lol. I just looked at him and said – having fun? He said we will not watch storms there anymore. *Chuckling* we got bored and decided to take a walk around the neighborhood to see the damage.

Holy shit. Our neighborhood looked like a warzone. It honestly seemed like every three steps we took we heard CRASH CRAAAACK CRASH. Huge limbs coming down, large trees coming down, it was a nightmare and as im writing this on 10/31, we still have no power. Im sure you can imagine the joy of getting dressed by flashlight and having NO COFFEE when you get up. Someone may die soon. We had more than several limbs come down on the house – lol at 5am on sunday, I was up in the bathroom and heard a SASLAMM and the house shook. I knew it was very close to me and thought – oh well. But within seconds my beloved (who was sound alseep) came flying into the bedroom – did you fall? Uh, butthead, im a big girl but even I cant do that. Turns out – a HUGE limb landed on the kitchen roof and fell off almost blocking the back door. Funny thing that – we park right outside there and when I came home from work saturday, I pulled into the driveway and stopped. I looked down at the house then up at the trees. I thought about it and looked up again and said nope. Im staying here. Went into the house and told the butthead honey, you may want to think about parking up where I am. He yutzed about it for a bit but then moved his truck. Good thing he/we did because at one point – a huge limb came down right where we park both trucks. Whew. We had 2 trees leaning OVER the house.

Ahh but it gets even better. Mommies baby kilo, our we think half lab, half dane, all stupid guard dog turned into fraidy dog. Every time a CRASH landed on the house, he would either jump up on the couch next to us, or lay down right next to me on the floor. But I think that at one point saturday night, he slept on top of me lol. And then our rat dog, pez – the dog who barks at a leaf falling, totally destroyed me – as I mentioned, we parked the cars at the end of the driveway. Every time we put the hounds out, pez would bark at our cars parked at the end of the driveway. Sigh. But boy he couldnt wait to go outside to play and roll in the snow. Welcome to my hell.

Ok, thats enough of a diverson right now. Im still trying to avoid DEATH, but he’s here and waiting for me to process. Saturday after we left the hospital – I got the call from my buds, jay was being transferred to hospice. I told them i’d follow them down. Now by then, it was generally whiteout conditions. I could care less, larry and I can go anywhere. But I backed out of the driveway, got a little bit down the street and CRACK/CRASH. I backed her up and pulled back into my driveway. There was no way I was going to tempt fate, not with DEATH hovering so close.

Sunday rolls around. I get the call early in the am – we need to get to hospice ASAP! I told my buds gimme 5 to get dressed and im there. I was there in 4. im good. They also live right down the street lol. Off we go. We get to hospice and jay’s doped up on serious morphine drip but sleeping beauty woke up enough to be very coherent with us and to tell us what he wanted done. I just curled up with/next to him holding his hand on the side of the bed till I could pull the chair over to the bed and sit and hold his hand. My dear dear jay even yelled at me (believe me, you KNOW your being yelled at when someone has a trach lol). There are some personal issues at play here that none of you have any business knowing but what kind of ignorant cunt walks in and actually says I dont think we’re actually divorced??? she was told that she would have to go to the court house and get a copy of the decree if there is one – and as there is no will, everything goes into probabe, the estate CAN NOT BE TOUCHED. Oh was she pissed off. The vultures are coming out of the woodwork, ignorant assholes. God I really hate people. Karma my friends – will hit some of these people with both barrells.

But we were there all day sunday, doing everything we could to make sure jays wishes were going to be considered. You dont mess with my friends. Thats a very bad idea. The only things we’re concerned with is that his bills get taken care of while he’s still alive. What happens when he’s gone – its not our problem. Again, no will, probate and his family, ignorant cocksuckers some of them are can fight the state for everything. We just want to make sure his mortgage is paid, his bills are paid, dotties bills are paid, etc. thats all that matter to us. I walked my bud thru the durable power of attorney, what it exactly entails, good thing I have an extensive legal background lol, he didnt realize it was so broad. But my bud and jays daughter had a very lengthy discussion, which was extremely good for both of them, and ulitmately for jay. Our qualms were settled immensely.

Now the hospice had upped his morphine drip – they’re keeping him comfortable, and gave him his ativan. So my buds and I went to say bye to jay, but he was out cold, and sleeping peacefully for the first time in several days. His daughter was staying there and the vulture mom split. We just sat there, watching jay, I was sitting on the chair holding his hand. He started to come around, but I could see there was confusion and there was something else there, but im keeping that to myself until I can talk to some friends about my suspicions. My buds and I told jay we were splitting and to not harass the nurses too much lol. I leaned down, gave him a kiss and told him I loved him so very much and told him jay – its ok – ride the wave, dotties waiting. Sigh. This is reminding me entirely too much of my moms passing.

So we split. Get home a little bit later and the fone rings what – an hour later, its my buds – jays taken a turn for the worse, they’re heading back to hospice. It ripped me apart but I couldnt go. This is just entirely too close to home for me, this has been a year of death for me and I dont think I could handle it now. Now – his daughter had stayed, and I mentioned above that the morphine drip is manually pushed and a very high dosage. I didnt hear anything all day today from my buds about jay. We still have now power (10/31 6.45p) and I managed to txt my bud to see how he is, and there is no change. So I wait. And I beg the Lord to take jay by the hand and bring him gently home. Where there is no pain, where dottie awaits.  and john, you finally gave up, gave in and went home to be with dot.  fare thee well, fare thee well i loved you more than words can tell, listen to the river sing sweet songs, to rock your soul!  you will be missed my friend. <___________________>

But DEATH, can you please not saddle Binkey up again anytime soon please? This year has taken entirely too much out of me.  but yet DEATH, you couldnt listen and took yet another friend of mine yesterday.  please DEATH,  please, dont come around here no more……