kamakazi from the hundredth floor swan dive to the street

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that gentle readers is what crashing from a bipolar perspective feels like. fun aint it? but hey, its uncle ted so i can have that to think of right???  i mean really isnt this:

 one of the finest pieces of eye candy or specimens of manhood you’ve ever seen?  sweet jezus… it makes me weak kneed even sitting down lol.  my beloved wont let me put a poster of ted in a loincloth over the bed.  creep.  but he did put my daughters poster of johnny depp as captain jack sparrow up in our room.  mmm tasty.

but i’ve been struggling over the last several days, or perhaps week. ( hmm maybe i ought to resize that pic of ted to seriously large). the year anniversary of pop was sucky even though i knew it was coming. perhaps this crash is the result of that, perhaps not. for the love of god, im having a hard time just typing anymore. *looks at hands* what the fuck is wrong with you???  but the musics quiet again which is a telltale sign of the crash. my graymatter is a living jukebox. i’ve always got a tune playing so when the musics gone the voices are back and i dont particularly care for that.  it would be different if they were like sleeptalkinman, then i could laugh about it but i am not blessed with that particular gift of gab.

its t-2 to move day. a day im dreading and looking forward to with all my being.  we’re finally getting out of this place and into life (ie no more sliding down my hill in the winter).  but im so damned sick and tired of boxing up everything in the house, throwing stuff out that we dont need anymore.  i am constantly amazed at how much crap  we’ve accumulated in 8 years lol.  but best of all, i found a place that shreds documents so i can take all those files from 8,7,6,5 years ago and get rid of them.  no use keeping that crap around!  i do admit, i’ll miss living in the woods but im liking where we’re going much better.  all that being said, perhaps the moving is causing some of the crash. i dont do change well.

i do enjoy however wandering thru wordpresses freshly pressed and discovering new blogs.  eggtons is awesome, childhood relived is hysterical.  looser or not is black humor par excellence, iamnotdefined is wonderful for advice.  the scrumptious pumpkin has great recipes and there are several more i really like but cant remember (typical for me) and im not finding them in my email, crap!  i would really like to get to know some of these bloggers someday, because they are funny, write well and i see some of myself in them.  i like that and i can learn much from them! 🙂

i do want to change up my blog a bit. i think im going to re-arrange my favorites a bit. put them in categories that makes them easier for visitors to navigate! like food, funny, art – that kind of stuff.  ive been trying to toy with my links but its not doing what i want the technological bitch. but… i need first to get a shower and go to the store and get a can of fruit, i feel a cake coming on. im out of boxes so what the hell, its dump cake time!

and on that note gentle readers, gimme a couple of hours and then come over for dump cake! it’ll be party time!  and those who know me best know i love nothing better than a good party <seg>

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somewhere over the rainbow way up high

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some day i wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.  today is one of those days i wish i could have woken up with the clouds far behind me.  it was a year ago today that my pop passed away.  it hurts so much.  which is kind of funny considering pop and i had a love / hate relationship lol.  and its kind of funny im sitting here writing about my dad, listening to Somewhere Over the Rainbow – Israel Kamakawiwo’Ole and crying. why? cause i miss my dad.  who’d have thunk it? *wry grin*

i knew this day was coming for a while (but i had to ask my sister just what day it was that pop passed away because i do not remember this time last year at all) and it seemed the closer it got, well hell, the worser i got.  yes worser. i don’t care that its not a word, it is to me today. so raspberries to you. i could feel the sadness creeping closer day by day, the panic and anxiety, no matter how hard i tried to push it back it just wouldn’t budge. and above it all, the love i had for my dad despite our issues just couldn’t drive the pain away. its been 17 years since mom went home and thats a dull ache now but i dread the end of june nonetheless.  maybe that will eventually happen with pop.

this last year was a year of firsts.  our first fathers day without dad – that REALLY sucked.  memorial day, fourth of july, labor day, his birthday (that was really hard), thanksgiving christmas and new years.  those were particularly bad as pop always came to our home for dinner.  lol i have a pic of pop sleeping on the couch with kilo sound asleep beside him.  pop and tom always passed out after dinner.  and now i wont have that anymore and it still makes me sad and hurts.

i got the text a couple weeks ago from my sister that his cat Bach passed away.  i know pop is happy now though, he’s got both his babies with him.  coclet passed away several years ago. that was the first time i saw my dad cry in lord, 30 years? he was heart broken, he had planned on going out with coclet.  he brought coclet to tom and i so we could bury him and he was totally destroyed.  coclets grave is out back.  every time pop came over, he went over to coclets headstone and talked to him for a few minutes before coming in. pop loved animals. there was never any doubt about that.  when i was a little girl, he found a bunny on the side of the road that was injured.  he somehow picked it up, brought it home and took it to the vet the next day.  whatever happened to it i don’t remember, but that was my dad.  my dogs absolutely ADORED pop. now they bark at EVERYTHING that comes down the driveway, especially pez , and that stupid little dog barks at leaves, but when pops car pulled into the driveway – they ran to the window and started dancing, they KNEW pop pop was here and had treats for them. not a single bark came out of their mouths, but the happy whines – pop pop’s here, pop pop’s here!!!

when i first started socially unattractive a couple of years ago, i wrote a tribute to my dad. then made him read it lol. he always told me when i was growing up that i should be a writer, how all my teachers thought i should be a writer, blah blah blah.  but i once took a class on writing and we had to write a short story and the teacher, a published author actually told me i should write but partying took first place in my life lol.  but i wrote about my dad, how he was an awesome dad despite being such a bastard.  i wrote about how he would stock my sisters and i up with goodies for mischief night with instructions on which house to hit and when we came back empty handed, he went out and got more eggs and toilet paper lol.  how alix and i wanted a bottle of rum and he went out and got it.  at least i think i remember that – i do remember al and i riding to delaware in the back of a pick up to get a bottle and damn that was a cold night lmsao.   but pop read what i wrote, thanked me for it and told me he loved me.  that is a rarity.

naturally pop and i spent years at loggerheads with each other.  pop, a 3 figure iq attorney who actually did know it all, and me, a hippie born 15 years too late desperate to do things my way and get out from under my parents control.  those were some interesting times lol.  see i can laugh at it now! 😉  but then… sigh.  but he did try to encourage my sisters and i in things that we loved.  music is the only thing i love with all my being (my butthead notwithstanding).  so i was going to concerts damn near every weekend for about 4 years.  i knew every shady character at the spectrum on a first name basis lol but those truly are some of the best memories i have.  oh shit – pop taking me to my first concert –  i went alone to styx and he walked me to the door. how fucking embarrassing is that???? lmsao.

then along came the grandkids.  do we really need to go there?  pop was the.quintessential.poppop. the world rose and set on my kids – and then my sisters kids when they finally came along. there was no cost too expensive, nothing that was out of his reach for them.  *chuckling* my dad taught my kids from an early age how to sign a chit at aronomink. well hell, he did that with us when we were growing up.  we learned to swim there in the 70’s and my kids learned to swim there in the 90’s/00’s.  i have happy memories of the club and the bad bear button <seg>.  i can only hope my kids have the same. i rarely went there with them when pop took them – tattoo’s generally were frowned upon… but then again, i never liked to infringe on pop’s time with the kids. the only times we did were the annual pop trips to great adventure or hershey park. those were some fun times, just like they were when we were kids.  i am so glad though that pop got to watch my kids grow up. but it makes me sad though that my kids now have an empty spot in their lives where pop was in their heart.  they dont remember gram and how she worshiped them and the ground they learned to walk on. but i do. my mom loved those two so very much. so i told minime this morning to think happy thoughts for pop pop today and that he would be looking down on her and her brother, beaming with pride and love.  he will always be with them.

and maybe me.  i miss you so much dad. but i love you more.

ok i finally did it, im putting myself out there and its scaring the shit out of me!

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yes gentle readers. you read right. i am now wandering the halls of wordpress, finding really neat forums (cooking nomnomnom) some humorous (but are they well, deranged like me – thats the real kicker), some both – cooking and funny as hell and well, i think its time to take my blog away from the few friends i have who read this (sometimes my daughter actually reads it – thanks brat), the friends my stalker has monitoring it for her (i think she’s in intensive psychiatric counseling, and its about fucking time.  nope i was wrong, she’s still on delphi 24/7, her santababy11 nic was outted and she’s now posting as stargazer661, and she thinks nobody knows its her the moron) and put it in the public eye.

and its scaring the shit out of me.

seriously.  it really is.  writing, knowing (what the hell was that sound? it sounded like fairy music jingling – hmmm) that there are now people who might actually read my blog and *gasp* like it scares the shit out of me.  cause im not just socially unattractive, i also post about the shit that goes on in the graymatter – ok so i am socially unattractive lol.  im bipolar – psycho on a good day and heavily medicated for your protection on a daily basis and my sense of humor has several different levels some of which will offend everyone and i dont give a fuck lol.

but what i want to know is how does this freshly pressed gig work?  is that something where you press the wordpress button on the bottom of a post?  how does one become freshly pressed? is it an award?  granted that’s where im  finding the blogs im liking – the humor ones are harder to find, not many people seem to have my sense of humor. dark, snarky, at times malicious, self deprecating, making fun of others and life you know, demented.  cause like my about tab says – ive had a very privileged life and a shitload of stories to tell.  but due to the life i’ve lead, i find it hard to remember them sometimes <seg>.  i am what i am and i will not apologize for it i had a crapload of fun getting here! *evil chortle*

but still, i am nervous about putting myself out there in front of all of you. but i figure, ive been at this for oh, around 2 years now, so why not?  i’m going to figure out how to put pics up here – in and around the text, as well as embedding vids (i hate it when they open in a new tab) and please someone, tell me how the hell i can get the “like” tab and all the posters who like my blog to show up. thats got me screwed 3 ways to nowhere and back.  i also want to segregate my posts like i’ve seen other blogs do.  i think i want a biker thread, a life thread, a mockery thread – something that will give some order to a disorderly mind.  mebbe not though. but mebbe so. i dunno.

but one thing about the next couple of weeks is i’ll be busy and not able to get here as much as i’d like. we’re moving. and i cant fucking wait. its just the packing thats making my neck and arm ache like hell (bulging discs).  i still dont know how we managed to accumulate so much crap in the last 8 years….  but before i start that today, im taking a nap.  its sadly my day off and tomorrow is too so why not? its not like i have anything pressing right now lol. the boxes will still be there when i wake up…

but i would like to thank you my new readers and hopefully soon to be new readers for giving me a chance.  socially unattractive is/was/will be cathartic for me at times, and a helluva lot of fun the rest and lets enjoy the ride together!

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