why cant we be friends, why cant we be friends?  i see you round for a long long time, i really ‘membered you when you drink my wine (or in my case, smoke my spliff gentle readers – because once upon a time i had the money…).  ahh its good to be back up and running after this long long time of being offline with the exception of my droid which is definitely not conducive to posting on a blog. or facebook.  or delphi for that matter.  especially when you need new glasses and the damn screen is really small, to me at least lol.  but gentle readers, im baaaack and feel the need to work a few things out of the gray matter.  why?  because im socially unattractive, thats why. and i dont give a flying fuck. or fuckery fuck fuck fuck.

friends have been on my mind the last couple of days and i woke up with a song in my heart and knew it was time to write but thats not the song im working with right now. that’ll come later <seg>. this one by war crept in and it seemed fitting with where im at and what im trying to process again.  some things just will not go away and thats because there are years and years behind them.  some are only a few years behind them.  some, just a few months but i get confused about the different types of friends i have had and had to deal with over the years. especially the ones that just wont go the fuck away until you are totally emotionally broken, you’ve damaged the two people you love the most and then get a freaking cryptic email from said oldie and think what the fuck is this? and that was the one you tried to end a few years earlier but only apologized because my dear heart said thats your best friend.  um, no, my best friend is in texas (mebbe iowa but i dont remember right now).  but thats your best friend he reiterated.  honey, no. my best friend is in texas and this is a particularly heavy load ive been carrying for too long.   but this particular 150lb monkey on my back who thinks they know everything about everything is finally gone and i do breathe easier.   sometimes i cant believe how much easier i breathe.  i unfortunatly had given this monkey residence in the gray matter and it had taken advantage of it for all those years. but now, i can rest happily in the knowledge that i will no longer be subjected to 4 hour fone calls where i have had to have tom call in and give me a reason to hang up and now a peace in the graymatter where there once was a crass annoyance. one thing however, i have noticed is that the memories i do have of this monkey arent as painful any longer and i can now look back and smile.

whew. growth. who’d have thunk it?

Sometimes I don’t speak too bright, but yet I know what I’m talking about…  there are a few other long time friends that i am in quasi contact with.  i say quasi as we’re just facebook friends now but in many ways, we’re establishing some sort of adult friendships and i find that i like that.  some i meet up with (and some i dont anymore but would like to again and make amends and they know who they are) and i enjoy that time.  we laugh at the “olden days” (shut up brats lol) and marvel at the fact that were we really ever that young? and dumb (depending on what memory we’re talking about – like piling up in the back of someones pickup with a keg and driving out to the resivoir to drink and swim lol). (here’s the kicker, i cant remember the name of the resivouir lol – i see it in my mind, remember it clearly but i have no idea of the name of the resivouir lol) GOT IT – SPRINGTON LAKE!!! (or tell them that stop signs with white lines around them are optional).   those were the days <seg>.

but one thing i didnt realize until recently was the fact that when pop passed away, none of the people i knew from days gone by ever said anything to me, sent condolences – nothing, not my family either, at least not that i clearly remember (i think i blocked it out).  now granted i was not in good shape. my demons had finally broken thru some time before that and damn near killed me and destroyed some relationships with some i love more than life itself.  but the only people who did are the friends i’ve made online over the last 10+ years at delphi.  i think some of those are the people who know me best, the good the bad the ugly – and and they still talk to me.  i think that when my beloved passes on, i know where im going to disappear to.  huh, if i didnt know better, i would swear someone is making deviled eggs nearby.

cool.

The color of your skin don’t matter to me, As long as we can live in harmony. friends with a few years upon them, i think we can and do live in harmony, cept my stalker. she blew a good thing.  i may be messed up in the head 5 ways to the moon and back but im the best friend you could ever have and i aint just sayin that. like i saw on one of my favorite blogs – in chess, the queen will always protect the king. i ALWAYS have toms back, am ALWAYS watching over his shoulder -protecting him without him even knowing it but, with me, if we are friends, i WILL take a bullet for you. no questions asked. that is what my friendship is. there are a few i think online who know that about me.  if i call you friend that is what you can expect.  ive made some friends online that i truly believe that even though i havent spoken to them in a couple of years, i could call them up and it would be like we had talked only yesterday, its as if the time hasnt passed by. then there those i can count on one hand that i have never met but feel like sisters and brothers – the family i never had and wished i did. that is a very.short.list. and unhappily, one who i thought was on that list, im beginning to think has left me behind.

there are some friends who tell you, when you get a wild hair and email to say hi, (as you havent talked to them in quite some time and feel shitty for letting the time get away from you because you really cared about these friends once upon a time but its your stupid fault it got away)  “im still here for ya” and a few lines of fluff email response.  you know in your heart of hearts they arent. you’d love to meet up with friend(s) at a bar a hop skip and a jump down the road but it never happens now. but way back then it would have been jumped at to meet up and have a few drinks and listen to the band and laugh all afternoon.  but you know the reason as you pushed those friend(s) away when your demons started waking up with a vengeance.  *shrugs*  but these are the quasi recent friends.  friends you’ve had since the advent of your foray into the internet and subsequent introduction to delphi forums and sadly the current events and happier – the motorcycle forums.  the current events brought me my stalker, but it also brought me some of the ladies i care most about, in real life.  but then i found the biker forums in the motor transport forums (i think) and found the friends of my heart.  the people i love as much as i love my best friend in texas – tom, do you hear me?  my best friend lives in texas lol. tom, im looking at you (points at eyes then to toms eyes then to mine and repeat) im looking at you – my best friend lives in texas!

i just realized that its getting late by my standards (remember, im clinically depressed, rapid cycling bipolar, strong anxiety/panic disorder and an insomniac.  i need my routine and medhead is kicking in a little bit. that means i am slowly losing the ability to think, type much less see lol. look at those pretty lights… 😉 )  sooooo, i have a couple other friends i need to process about. ok, i definitely want to process about.  cause it hurts what has happened and this time, i dont think its my fault.  wow. i never thought i would say that.(look of surprise on face). and some new friends that im thoroughly tickled about.  lol tom came in a little earlier. our neighbors (very young) got married over the weekend.  they’re on their honeymoon. i’ll discuss the last week soon im sure… (ye gads,,,,) yesterday the wedding party came by, put his truck up on blocks and took the front tires and saran wrapped the cab, over oreos and Glod only knows what the house looks like lol.  tom didnt have the heart to ask when he went over to ask what the hells going on lol.  so that will end this journey into the mind of socially attractives take on why cant we be friends part one. there is more to come but i have a crapload of things to do today but the musics still there my gentle readers.

im baaaack….. <seg> miss me?

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