im lifting some of my post (the title as a beginning) gentle readers from a lady who i have the utmost respect for – klonnie, author of the Klonopin Chronicles blog and who also runs, yes, you got it The Klonopin Chronicals on facebook.  I have her blog listed down below on my blog roll as it is one of my favorite blogs and im a huge fan of her facebook page.

Klonnie states on her blog: “Klonopin is mild anti-anxiety medication that my mental illness allows me to enjoy. Well, “enjoy” is a funny word. Taking psychotropic drugs because you need to is kind of a waste of a good buzz. Like actually being sick on a sick day. But I have a blast making fun of everyone and everything. If you have read this far, you will fit right in.”  now while i dont take klonopin (i had a  bad reaction to it which was hysterically funny, i totally agree with what she says.)  i take xanax, a drug that i am totally terrified of due to its addiction potential, and i take it only when i absolutely have to, like when i have to go to wallyworld or if i absolutely have to go to wegmans (if you’ve been following my blog, you know why).  Klonnie and i share a particular illness known as bipolar, or rapid cycling bipolar disorder. but i also suffer from anxiety/panic disorder and ptsd.  but as klonnie said lol taking psychotropic drugs because you need to is kind of a waste of a good buzz. and yes like being sick on a sick day.  but i have to take it or things get bad for me.

now i once had a friend who insisted in being told EXACTLY what i was taking when i finally broke down emotionally and when i refused to give her the information she thought she had the right to have, she accused me of “being in it for the dope”.  now you tell me gentle readers, is that an abuse of a friendship or what?  this chick also thought she had the right to know how much our mortgage was. she was one of those people who felt that they had the right to know every little detail in your life.  i dont understand people like that but i also know that she went on to discuss my personal issues with other people so who really cares. she’ll lie to get the info she wants and she’ll lie to make herself look better to others.  *shrugs* its one of those things you have to deal with when you’re bipolar and have/had ignorant friends.

i also take other meds that allow me to almost function like a quasinormal person. as someone who is also an insomniac – one of those meds is an antipsychotic which allows me to sleep at night as well as not kill people lol.  i know in texas, the defense they needed killin is probably valid, so mebbe i ought to move to texas and stop taking that particular med. so i wont sleep, but then the psychotic personality will get out of control and well, <seg>.  but so help me glod, if you call me in the middle of the night – someone better be fucking dead.  but lets not forget my antidepressant that i take daily and the meds from my neuro for my debilitating migraines.  if you suffer from them like i do (ive been known to pull over on my way to work and puke) talk to your doc and take topamax – and its generic now!!!   my doc was able to get me samples of my antipsychotic that was just removed from the formulary.  i left the bag in the truck cause i forgot about it.  asshole brought it in and accusations flew.  what a wonderful support system i have eh?

but all that being said lol i have a patch on my vest:  heavily sedated for your protection.  i laugh at it with others, but i know that its true.  and im struggling.  struggling to make it out of the crash im in now.  you see – bipolar disorder is a dual action game.  i can soar high, be hysterically funny, almost normal, whatever that is, have no problems leaving the house and getting things done. but with the soaring highs come the crashing lows where if i had the ways and means i would not be here now.  and its not the fall that hurts you. its the sudden stop and you have no idea just how low it gets.  leaving the house becomes problematical, being an actual productive citizen – yeah fucking right. i hate everyone and every thing and hate myself even more with a violence of a thousand glaring suns.  sounds like fun doesnt it?  and like only a few know, so long as im talking about it, no one has to worry. its when i stop talking about it….  no ones noticed that ive been giving away slowly my most valued posessions. see -im that good. and only here im talking about it and the best part – no one will notice. or care. i put up a pic on my facebook – one of those family is not just blood or something like that and sent it to my sisters with the caption i know who my family is and defriended them.  dont think they noticed.  but i know who my family really is.  called one sis and got the distinct impression she didnt want to talk to me.  other sister doesnt return calls or emails.  fuck them both.  i was happier when they werent in my life and like i stated yesterday i wish to fucking glod that phone call was not made at christmas.  i wish that with all my being.  every.damn.day i wish that call wasnt made.  every fucking dog damn day.  i dont want to be here.

you see, yes, it is all about me. and if you dont like it, dont pick up the phone, send an email or text – just dont. i dont need it, im having a hard enough time as it is and i dont want your fake sympathy or care. and the best part – my old man wont read my blog….. i doubt he ever has.  *snorts*

And Klonnie – this one’s for you.  thank you for being there!

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