gets switched to over load gentle readers. and no, that does not mean im going to go postal on a clock tower with a high powered sniper rifle, it means right now im getting a helluva headache and that particular lyric is on high rotation.  holy crap – there is nothing like this particular pain – its a stabbing pain between the eyebrows but hitting right behind the top of my left eye.  thats not mentioning the dull ache in the back of my head and temples.  it literally felt like a switch was flipped in my head, it hit me out of nowhere.

ive got the drapes pulled closed as when this happenes, darkeness is perferable as light is like a light saber to the bwain. stabbing pain thru the eyes and i have my shades on over my glasses.  i have no idea what i have done to instigate this one.  as im am out of my painkiller, im going to fake it till i make it with tylenol migraine. i hate tylenol but since excedrine has been pulled from the shelves, you  do what you gotta do.

and a good morning to you gentle readers.  i managed with a little help from my friends to sleep most of  that damn headache off, get most of my chores done and get the pezzinator all cleans up.  and he is now sitting over there (points to the left) looking at me with that quizzical look and leaning just a little to the left that says c’mon mom, let me out!  but no fuzz, you’re still damp and i dont want him to get dirty again.  he’s almost completely white again cept for the slightly tan spots on his butt lol. oh dear Lord, one answer was “chill with God” on family feud’s question what would you do when you go to heaven.  and no, that was not the first answer.  number 1 was sleep.  number 6 i think, was “boink”. yes gentle readers, that was the exact answer, 4 people think they would “boink” when they get to heaven.  and i am sitting here with my head in one hand wondering what on glods green earth do people think anymore.  but who am i to wonder why.

so i get a text from my ex this morning.  his mom, my ex mother in law but more importantly, my aunt janet, has been given 3 to 6 months and is expected to be sent home to hospice.   he told me out of respect and i was actually surprised by that (im the black sheep of that side of the family, married to the golden child and everything was my fault, he could do no wrong but everything was actually his fault, he lied like a rug, he stole money from me and others, destroyed some treasured gifts my sister sent me for christmas but thats not important now but it felt good to say it).  i asked him if i would be welcome/allowed at the hospice as she is my aunt janet and i’ve loved her about all my life.  he said he’d get back to me, he was at work.  i would truly hope that side of the family can put their issues with me aside and remember that i love her just as much and am just as affected.  this is a large part of my life that is going away.  after that will be aunt jean, and i expect that to be not long after, they have been best friends all my life. its been aunt jean and aunt janet. forever.  but somehow i really doubt they will do that. same with my kids.  learning how to forgive and let go is not something they are  gifted with. any of them.  it took me a while to realize that forgiveness benefits me and allows me to move forward.

that particular friendship had been dead on my end for quite some time but because of my husband, i maintained it until the bitter end.  and i still dont know what i did. but whatever it was, and im sure it was bad, im glad. very very glad. forgiving her allowed me to move forward and allows me to recall our friendship fondly and with smiles.  cause we did have a whole lotta fun! 😀   i will always love my pal al. i just dont have to have her in my life anymore.  and that is when i realized that forgiveness is for me – not them.  the pain of the betrayal (that i had always suspected) was finally lifted.  how she can maintain a friendship with my daughter is beyond me lol but thats pal and i wouldnt have her any other way. *grinning*

same with my stalker.  we were friends.  now i honestly believe she has no idea what friendship is truly about. cause if you do, you dont stab a friend in the back over absolutely nothing then purchase personal and confidential info on them and publish it on a public blog (and send invites to hundreds) and spend years trying to humiliate me online (didnt work, im still allowed on the site, she’s permantly banned).  ive been able to marginalize her for the most part, i have very good contacts, but when she threatened my husband and kids, a few times, my gloves came off.  hence me protecting Socially Unattractive.  i truly believe she has serious mental issues, enough to make me look like a saint, and enough that i believe she desperatly needs to be committed. to publicaly threaten my husband and kids – people she doesnt know?  really??  just not a wise idea.  not a wise idea at all.  for all that im a rather easy going Jesus lovin deadhead, do not EVER threaten my family. its just not a wise idea.  but even so, i will always care for her, despite how badly she fucked up the friendship. ive forgiven her.  doesnt mean i wont take care of business when i have to, but i do forgive her.  because i truly believe she knows not what she does.  she maintains friendships with 2 other people solely because they are terrified that what she did to me, she will do to them if they attempt to break off the relationship.  ladies – quadeloupe, vanessa (dolly and sassy) – just do it, and get it over with.  that way, she will be totally marginalized on delphi with only insanejane for company.  what more could you possibly ask for??  she is the most hated poster on the boards as everyone knows.

and on that note, ive been wandering thru the wayback machine from hell. seeing names i hadnt thought of in years didnt do me a whole helluva lot of good.  depressed the hell out of me which pissed me off because why should it depress me again and that pissed me off too. that i got depressed, again and pissed off.  i thought i had all that pain dead and buried and guess what – i was WRONG. deathly wrong.  wounds i thought had healed (yeah, right) opened back up.  luckily i saw my shrink pretty close to it but still – its like a spector haunting me.  glod i hated those people and the damage they did to me.  i never would have thought i would ever see them again much less think all that hurt would resurface. i was wrong.  again.  where’s my vodka????

sigh. i really have no song to leave you with. perhaps dylans positively 4th street? hmmm.  yeah, i think i”l go with that – it fits. for the most part.

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