well gentle readers, its been a little longer than i would have liked (yes, i know i can go a month or two) but so many things have been going on and ive had to deal with death yet again. had a wedding to go to.  my second 29th birthday (i liked the first one so much i decided to stay here).   and, my daughter and her boyfriend stopped by for a visit during the long weekend and informed us (ie asked for toms permission*big happy grin*) that THEY’RE GETTING MARRIED AND….. I SAW MY SON – MY MOST AWESOME SON!

where to begin, where to begin…  lets start with the wedding.  two of the people i love most in the world were getting married on 9/1 down in the outter banks.  id been helping when needed to prep for the wedding (researching wedding vows and services).  i have the gas money stashed away so i don’t have to worry about getting there and back, have a friend of jos to ride with me so tom wouldn’t worry lol – im a tentative yes as a go. then the fone rings. see below and there went all my gas and money.  it broke my heart that i couldn’t be there with the people i love most – but it is typical of my life, i make plans, God in His infinite wisdom, laughs soo…

lets talk about the hurt.  i get a call the friday before last from my ex, his mom has been moved to hospice and her organs are failing – its time.  i told him id google map the directions and would be there as soon as possible.  with tears in my eyes i get the directions and blew out the door.  now understand gentle readers, she was not only my mother in law, she was also “my aunt”.  im sure you think that is kind of strange, but i have known her since i was 10 years old and called her “aunt” my whole life.   i knew my ex’s older and younger brother since then, just never my ex.   till my best friend and i wrecked her car looking at two mighty fine-looking young men walking down the side of the road and his younger brother drove the tow truck lol.

so i blow down the road to the hospital, and see my ex in-laws for the first time in a long time and realized that i missed them very much.  we’ve been estranged for a couple of years due to some of my bipolar issues and they have been my family for all of my life.  my oldest friend preferred to remain estranged (she put her hand up to the side of her face as if to say stay away) and that’s her prerogative and i wont waste my time on it but i felt like i have been welcomed back into the fold and it was very very nice to be able to be around my ex and have it be pleasant and hassle free.  i hated seeing him so unhappy – he told me that when he found out his mom was dying, he remembered how it was when it was my mom passed away – they were close.  but i went in to sit with my aunt and let her know how much she meant to me and how much i loved her and that it was ok to let go = there was nothing to be afraid of, she was going home.  i believe in my heart of hearts that she heard me.  i went back out to the hospices general area and caught up with everyone – all my kids have grown up and are getting married, having kids of their own – it was surreal in a strange way.  my ex and i went out to smoke and talk and when we got back, his brother said its time.  everyone all but ran into the room — the silence was tense and palpable and god bless holly, she broke the silence and got us all talking and reminiscing about gram, mom and aunt.  i will never forget pulling into the driveway to see her hip deep rebuilding a motor lol.  we all were laughing and talking knowing she heard us all around her sending her off with joy and happiness.  but when she finally let go, seeing my aunt jean and amy heartbroken destroyed me.  seeing my ex with tears in his eyes broke my heart.  a large part of my heart and life left with her.  i texted both of my kids that their gram had passed away and that their dad needed them and to stick close to him.  im not needed then and let aunt jean know im a phone call away and seeing the sadness in her eyes was more than i could bear, so homeward bound i was.

i hate DEATH.  i hate it so much. its been in my life entirely too much the last 2 years.  im sick of the calls, the texts, the hospital and hospice visits, the visitations and memorials. the loss and pain.  the emptiness that feels like it will never end.  so… my ex texts me the details of the arrangements, the funeral home and visitation/memorial and naturally (sometimes i think they do things like this to me on purpose lmsao) on my birthday.  my second 29th birthday.  my ex was flying our son up and i was looking forward to seeing him.  so the morning of the service, my birthday, i wake up sick as hell starting around 4.30am sick as hell.  i am not sure if im going to make the service and let my ex and son know.  i was going to however see my son if i have to go to my ex’s, ima move mountains and touch the sun if thats what it takes to see my son.  he sounded disappointed on his text (if you can sound anything via text lol) but dammitall i. will. see. my. son. about 10.30/11am i think im feeling like i can make it to the luncheon, buzzed my ex to find out where it is and off i went. only had a couple of pit stops but im going to see my son.  i finally make it to the church and naturally it was about over (its how i roll) but i walk in – and there is my son standing next to his sister and fiance.  i just stood there watching him, absorbing everything i could about him with a mothers pride.  then i walked up to them so happy to have my kids together next to me.  we had a few minutes to chat and i had my picture taken with both my kids – i was thrilled.  but then it was time for everyone to leave and as we were walking away, my son turned around and said Bye Mom – and i turned around – he was looking back and i hollered bye son I Love You!  i miss him so much.  he sent me a text while i was driving home and i don’t use my fone while im driving so i had to wait till i got to a light where i could read it (ive locked the text in my fone) and the pictures – and there is my son – not smiling lol.  i sent back would it kill you to smile in the pictures???  and he sent back “lol alrighty”.   but i got my birthday wish, something i’ve kept close to my heart, i saw my son – and had both my kids together on my birthday – even though it was a sad occasion.

so lets jump back to the weekend before, the long weekend.  we weren’t doing anything except just enjoying our weekend together as there is nothing i like better than waking up next to my beloved.  we catch up with the shows we record during the week, mebbe go food shopping – found a new wallyworld (where i dont feel like shooting everyone, but i still have my social anxiety) and schlep.  sunday was our (ok mine) schelppin day. it was overcast and muggy and i had no intention of getting dressed.  that’s a schleppin day – you just wash your face, brush your teeth and hair, get your make up on and stay comfy on the couch.  then the text message tone rings out thru the house. its my minime, wondering what we’re doing.  i sent back schleppin, why?  she said they were in the area and wanted to know if they could stop by.  i said im schleppin but id get my glad rags on and they can stop over any time they would like.   i always enjoy it when my kids stop by (i consider her boyfriend one of my kids lol).  shortly thereafter, they pull in and we’re happy and catching up and im not quite sure how it all went down now (too much excitement lol) and her boyfriend looked at tom and i and at tom and said i would like your permission to ask your daughter to marry me.

my beloveds face lit up and he said YES, my beautiful daughter and her fiance’s faces were glowing and she pulled out her hand with her engagement ring and all i could do was repeat MY BABY with my hand to my mouth and i got up and picked her up and just hugged her saying my baby.  i am not sure how i managed not to cry lol but my heart was so big it was bout ready to burst.  after i finally let minime go, i grabbed her fiance and gave him a big hug and welcomed him to the family/asylum.  huh – im crying with happiness as im writing this.  i am gaining a wonderful son-in-law – the two of them are great together – he is very good for my daughter and i would bet dollars to donuts she is the same for him. they balance each other.  i told them they will be the power couple of the decade.  i was then sworn to secrecy until the family was told.  daughter mine – you have no idea how hard it was to hold onto the secret of the century – however…. i did tell my 3 dearest girlfriends and an entire biker forum and swore them all to silence – i couldn’t hold it in lol.  i was slightly surprised that neither of my sisters contacted me but hey – that’s how my family rolls.  it’s all good.  now i get to look for mother of the bride dresses and help my beauty in any way she would like in planning her wedding!!!!!

ok – im not quite sure where im at right now – ive covered DEATH, seeing my son, the big announcement, being unable to go to my dear friends wedding, hmm… ah yes, my second 29th birthday lol.  my beloved worked that morning and brought me home a great birthday card from him – and a sweet one from one of his coworkers that we all love (and he’s supposed to give him a big hug from me).  my birthday was on saturday which allowed us to have a rest and recovery day on sunday lol.  i think it was around 5 or 6 that i looked at my beloved and said – wanna go out now rather than later?  sure – lets roll.  we get to the maple and the drunken debauchery begins with a double cap’n and coke….. there was the birthday flaming homo shot (bar birthday shot), several doubles and a shot of tellamore dew (not enough ooooooohs in smooth to describe it) and the jukebox finally went silent lol.  out came my $5 and i all but ran to the box to play real music.  patti and pixie were there (my homegirls – jenattixie town) and we had a blast. i am not quite sure what time we left – i was feelin no pain lol.  hell, i don’t even remember going to bed *chortling*.  i do however, remember with exquisite clarity waking up. and wanting a nap. i was able after a few cups of coffee to make a ham and swiss omelette and following that, curling up on the love seat (a small couch for those of you who don’t know what that is) unable to stretch out (which really sucked because my legs are as long as the damn couch) and finally, taking my much-needed nap.  woke up a couple of hours later, wondering when i could squeeze in my second nap lol.  i have reached the age when it takes at least a day to recover from a night of drinking – but preferably two…

so – where does i need serenity fit in?  ive had my kid rock disc on high rotation (basically because i keep forgetting to bring my other discs out to the truck) and godsmacks serenity is on it and has been in the back of my mind since my mother in law passed away. – i find it to be very soothing and well hell, i just love sully.  yet it means a lot to me as well – i need serenity in the chaos of my mind, but i cant find it.

i need serenity…

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