i need serenity

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well gentle readers, its been a little longer than i would have liked (yes, i know i can go a month or two) but so many things have been going on and ive had to deal with death yet again. had a wedding to go to.  my second 29th birthday (i liked the first one so much i decided to stay here).   and, my daughter and her boyfriend stopped by for a visit during the long weekend and informed us (ie asked for toms permission*big happy grin*) that THEY’RE GETTING MARRIED AND….. I SAW MY SON – MY MOST AWESOME SON!

where to begin, where to begin…  lets start with the wedding.  two of the people i love most in the world were getting married on 9/1 down in the outter banks.  id been helping when needed to prep for the wedding (researching wedding vows and services).  i have the gas money stashed away so i don’t have to worry about getting there and back, have a friend of jos to ride with me so tom wouldn’t worry lol – im a tentative yes as a go. then the fone rings. see below and there went all my gas and money.  it broke my heart that i couldn’t be there with the people i love most – but it is typical of my life, i make plans, God in His infinite wisdom, laughs soo…

lets talk about the hurt.  i get a call the friday before last from my ex, his mom has been moved to hospice and her organs are failing – its time.  i told him id google map the directions and would be there as soon as possible.  with tears in my eyes i get the directions and blew out the door.  now understand gentle readers, she was not only my mother in law, she was also “my aunt”.  im sure you think that is kind of strange, but i have known her since i was 10 years old and called her “aunt” my whole life.   i knew my ex’s older and younger brother since then, just never my ex.   till my best friend and i wrecked her car looking at two mighty fine-looking young men walking down the side of the road and his younger brother drove the tow truck lol.

so i blow down the road to the hospital, and see my ex in-laws for the first time in a long time and realized that i missed them very much.  we’ve been estranged for a couple of years due to some of my bipolar issues and they have been my family for all of my life.  my oldest friend preferred to remain estranged (she put her hand up to the side of her face as if to say stay away) and that’s her prerogative and i wont waste my time on it but i felt like i have been welcomed back into the fold and it was very very nice to be able to be around my ex and have it be pleasant and hassle free.  i hated seeing him so unhappy – he told me that when he found out his mom was dying, he remembered how it was when it was my mom passed away – they were close.  but i went in to sit with my aunt and let her know how much she meant to me and how much i loved her and that it was ok to let go = there was nothing to be afraid of, she was going home.  i believe in my heart of hearts that she heard me.  i went back out to the hospices general area and caught up with everyone – all my kids have grown up and are getting married, having kids of their own – it was surreal in a strange way.  my ex and i went out to smoke and talk and when we got back, his brother said its time.  everyone all but ran into the room — the silence was tense and palpable and god bless holly, she broke the silence and got us all talking and reminiscing about gram, mom and aunt.  i will never forget pulling into the driveway to see her hip deep rebuilding a motor lol.  we all were laughing and talking knowing she heard us all around her sending her off with joy and happiness.  but when she finally let go, seeing my aunt jean and amy heartbroken destroyed me.  seeing my ex with tears in his eyes broke my heart.  a large part of my heart and life left with her.  i texted both of my kids that their gram had passed away and that their dad needed them and to stick close to him.  im not needed then and let aunt jean know im a phone call away and seeing the sadness in her eyes was more than i could bear, so homeward bound i was.

i hate DEATH.  i hate it so much. its been in my life entirely too much the last 2 years.  im sick of the calls, the texts, the hospital and hospice visits, the visitations and memorials. the loss and pain.  the emptiness that feels like it will never end.  so… my ex texts me the details of the arrangements, the funeral home and visitation/memorial and naturally (sometimes i think they do things like this to me on purpose lmsao) on my birthday.  my second 29th birthday.  my ex was flying our son up and i was looking forward to seeing him.  so the morning of the service, my birthday, i wake up sick as hell starting around 4.30am sick as hell.  i am not sure if im going to make the service and let my ex and son know.  i was going to however see my son if i have to go to my ex’s, ima move mountains and touch the sun if thats what it takes to see my son.  he sounded disappointed on his text (if you can sound anything via text lol) but dammitall i. will. see. my. son. about 10.30/11am i think im feeling like i can make it to the luncheon, buzzed my ex to find out where it is and off i went. only had a couple of pit stops but im going to see my son.  i finally make it to the church and naturally it was about over (its how i roll) but i walk in – and there is my son standing next to his sister and fiance.  i just stood there watching him, absorbing everything i could about him with a mothers pride.  then i walked up to them so happy to have my kids together next to me.  we had a few minutes to chat and i had my picture taken with both my kids – i was thrilled.  but then it was time for everyone to leave and as we were walking away, my son turned around and said Bye Mom – and i turned around – he was looking back and i hollered bye son I Love You!  i miss him so much.  he sent me a text while i was driving home and i don’t use my fone while im driving so i had to wait till i got to a light where i could read it (ive locked the text in my fone) and the pictures – and there is my son – not smiling lol.  i sent back would it kill you to smile in the pictures???  and he sent back “lol alrighty”.   but i got my birthday wish, something i’ve kept close to my heart, i saw my son – and had both my kids together on my birthday – even though it was a sad occasion.

so lets jump back to the weekend before, the long weekend.  we weren’t doing anything except just enjoying our weekend together as there is nothing i like better than waking up next to my beloved.  we catch up with the shows we record during the week, mebbe go food shopping – found a new wallyworld (where i dont feel like shooting everyone, but i still have my social anxiety) and schlep.  sunday was our (ok mine) schelppin day. it was overcast and muggy and i had no intention of getting dressed.  that’s a schleppin day – you just wash your face, brush your teeth and hair, get your make up on and stay comfy on the couch.  then the text message tone rings out thru the house. its my minime, wondering what we’re doing.  i sent back schleppin, why?  she said they were in the area and wanted to know if they could stop by.  i said im schleppin but id get my glad rags on and they can stop over any time they would like.   i always enjoy it when my kids stop by (i consider her boyfriend one of my kids lol).  shortly thereafter, they pull in and we’re happy and catching up and im not quite sure how it all went down now (too much excitement lol) and her boyfriend looked at tom and i and at tom and said i would like your permission to ask your daughter to marry me.

my beloveds face lit up and he said YES, my beautiful daughter and her fiance’s faces were glowing and she pulled out her hand with her engagement ring and all i could do was repeat MY BABY with my hand to my mouth and i got up and picked her up and just hugged her saying my baby.  i am not sure how i managed not to cry lol but my heart was so big it was bout ready to burst.  after i finally let minime go, i grabbed her fiance and gave him a big hug and welcomed him to the family/asylum.  huh – im crying with happiness as im writing this.  i am gaining a wonderful son-in-law – the two of them are great together – he is very good for my daughter and i would bet dollars to donuts she is the same for him. they balance each other.  i told them they will be the power couple of the decade.  i was then sworn to secrecy until the family was told.  daughter mine – you have no idea how hard it was to hold onto the secret of the century – however…. i did tell my 3 dearest girlfriends and an entire biker forum and swore them all to silence – i couldn’t hold it in lol.  i was slightly surprised that neither of my sisters contacted me but hey – that’s how my family rolls.  it’s all good.  now i get to look for mother of the bride dresses and help my beauty in any way she would like in planning her wedding!!!!!

ok – im not quite sure where im at right now – ive covered DEATH, seeing my son, the big announcement, being unable to go to my dear friends wedding, hmm… ah yes, my second 29th birthday lol.  my beloved worked that morning and brought me home a great birthday card from him – and a sweet one from one of his coworkers that we all love (and he’s supposed to give him a big hug from me).  my birthday was on saturday which allowed us to have a rest and recovery day on sunday lol.  i think it was around 5 or 6 that i looked at my beloved and said – wanna go out now rather than later?  sure – lets roll.  we get to the maple and the drunken debauchery begins with a double cap’n and coke….. there was the birthday flaming homo shot (bar birthday shot), several doubles and a shot of tellamore dew (not enough ooooooohs in smooth to describe it) and the jukebox finally went silent lol.  out came my $5 and i all but ran to the box to play real music.  patti and pixie were there (my homegirls – jenattixie town) and we had a blast. i am not quite sure what time we left – i was feelin no pain lol.  hell, i don’t even remember going to bed *chortling*.  i do however, remember with exquisite clarity waking up. and wanting a nap. i was able after a few cups of coffee to make a ham and swiss omelette and following that, curling up on the love seat (a small couch for those of you who don’t know what that is) unable to stretch out (which really sucked because my legs are as long as the damn couch) and finally, taking my much-needed nap.  woke up a couple of hours later, wondering when i could squeeze in my second nap lol.  i have reached the age when it takes at least a day to recover from a night of drinking – but preferably two…

so – where does i need serenity fit in?  ive had my kid rock disc on high rotation (basically because i keep forgetting to bring my other discs out to the truck) and godsmacks serenity is on it and has been in the back of my mind since my mother in law passed away. – i find it to be very soothing and well hell, i just love sully.  yet it means a lot to me as well – i need serenity in the chaos of my mind, but i cant find it.

i need serenity…

i hear you knockin


but you cant come in… that gentle readers is my nice and sweet shout out to the washington dc “patrons” who’ve decided that rather haveing 3 or 4 iphones come and harass,um visit me daily, now send one and maybe 2 gubbermint embarassments to wander around my blog seeing what im talking about now.  lol and we pay these whack jobs to sit at a coffee shop on their  iphone 5.1.1, ip computer id 524ae1a481243315b3839e0c8d25ec00 at 11 am this morning, or on the 18th at10.51am on computer id 328920874c42f5a1addb36f11ccb7ee4, ip addy  note the different ip address?  and they think they’re so smart, which is most likely why some dc overpaid and overrated gubbermint bureaucrat hired them lol.  i used to think that we had the greatest nation in the world.  now i got some dumbass yahoo’s in dc coffeeshops “monitoring” my blog.  guess what boys – you keep showing up, i keep posting your iphones info for everyones amusement and with luck, for just the right person out there will upon my blog and can hack into your fone for shits and giggles.  oh the joy that will bring me.  rock paper scissors lizard spock boys – you lay off me, i will lay off you.  ask my family just how stubborn and cruel i can be.

speaking of family gentle readers, my darling daugher should be finishing up her research project thingy and heading back to college soon.  i could not be more proud of her.  that and having her senior year paid for by scholarship?  amazing. but she has always been amazing so i dont know why im surprised.  but that kid has always surprised and amazed me – from the moment at 2 or mebbe 3 years old when she told me, her father and family did you know that dog spelled backwards is God.  what child at that ages can come up with such a complex thought and express it so eloquently?  she most definitly inherited my fathers bwains and i know he lives on thru her and i am so pleased as i miss my dad so much (so long as she did not pick up his habit of being at work even when at home – my familys joke was if dads lips are moving and he’s not talking, he’s at the office.  pop was at the office 95% of the time lol).  i also can not thank my sister bear enough for what she did for tom and i and for things i didnt know, (now that the family gossip passed away 2 years ago lol) if you have a secret its kept lol.  bear – if you ever read this, thank you.  thank you so much for what you and little bro did for my daughter.  again, i am in your debt.  it annoys the hell out of me that im kept out of the loop of things, but that is my family after all.  im the black sheep and will always be considered as such and im cool with it.  i know that i know that i know that i can (well, mebbe not) count on my sisters for things that i simply can not do.  and mer, i am so very very sorry.  i hope you can forgive me.  i was angry and took it out on everyone.  this one we’ll need to talk on the phone because my stalker still has her little syncophants (they dont know how nuts she is yet) reading here and what i need to say is none of their business, but since i still dont know when your birthday is, how bout you call me on your birthday – if you want to talk.  i’ll understand if you dont. its all good.

then we have my son – my pride and joy.  my blue eyed boy.  he as you read earlier, just turned 20 and has turned into one helluva man – and i again, could not be more proud.  he had some lessons to learn in his first year of college and i think it taught him some lessons that you can only learn by doing it yourself.  we could have talked to him till we were blue in the face but it wouldnt have mattered – my boy’s just like me – you dont learn anything until you experience it yourself.  than and only then does it have any meaning for you.  but my son is smart enough to realize that and now has a different perspective on things – he grew from the experiecne.  that is something that in this day and age, does not happen that often as to many parents want to be friends with their kids and let their kids get away with murder, want to make their kids mistakes for them or dont even want to admit their little darlings could do wrong. thems some fucked up parents and is it honestly any wonder the kids are the way they are today (can we say whiny ows kids)????  its the parents who are willing to make the hard decisions for the good of their kids even when that decision eviscerates their heart and soul, and alienates your son, who have kids who are responsible, honest and worthy of being called Men and Women, upstanding citizens, true Americans.  i was willling to do that and alienate my son, the child of the other half of my heart because i knew the road he was going down and i did not want him to end up like me. maybe someday he will understand and forive me, but again, it was worth it to get him off the track he was on. bu we did talk a lot, we enjoyed going to the mall and shop then have lunch (m’boy’s beyond awesomesauce) but even when out on the road, we’d talk. i kept every one of those secrets my son. and i always will.  but man oh man does that boy have a sense of humor.  i will never ever forget driving him and a couple of his friends somewhere, mebbe the mill to go swimming and some song came on the radio (we had a deal, when he was with me, we’d listen to his music.. memories lol) and that boy sang whatever song it was as if it was coming from his heart.  im honestly surprised i didnt wreck jeepster i was laughing so hard.  my son is so fucking funny its awesome!  as for role models, next to my daughter, you cant find any better!

sigh – the dogs days of august are slowly coming to an end. its the 19th and its cold outside.  now understand gentle readers, cold to me is anything under 80 and if i have to put socks on i am especially pissed.  i do not like this weather. i do not like it no i dont.  my beloved likes it as its not to hot, not to cold and its coming upon the months of pleasantry – the 2 months of when he’s pleasant! FALL – not too hot, not too cold lol.. perfect weather for him. until the winter months close in and hes a pain in my ass, its too cold, i hate the cold, im not going to make it till spring (yes you will honey just shut up and get under another blanket) until spring when it not to hot, not too cold lol. and he’s pleasant again. but in between, during the winter when we get to layer on the cloths and watch our electric bill skyrocket (which i’ll be interested in seeing as this last month we’ve had our ac on practically all month and it was only around $85!!!).  that is why i wear as little as humanly possible during the summer months – so i can soak up as heat as i can to get me thru the winter.  i can only hope this winter will be fairly mild – but cold enough to kill the fleas and ticks and assorted bugs and ickys so the dogs will have fewer issues next year.  cause i really hate layering on clothes. 😦  but i do like keeping the bedroom window open at night.  sleeping with the cold air is a blessing considering i only sleep in a tank top and a light blanket lol.   my beloved lasts maybe an hour before he heads for the hills (ie the living room where its warm lol).

but we’ll be happy all snuggled up here in the hobbit house, with the hounds curled up on the floor naturally making it an obstacle course trying to find our way to the kitchen.  my beloved and i curled up on the couch trying to find something decent on tv and just reveling in each others company (and warmth lol).  now we just have to find a place for our charlie brown christmas tree lol.  but we have our home.  a home that is filled with love and lots of laughs.  i could not have possibly asked or expected anything better than this.  i am truly blessed.  despite the damn concussions i occasionally get when i forget to duck…..

and my gentle readers, i leave you with this – i hear you knockin, and im sure you know why:  <weseg>

whats the right thing, whats the right song, the right words

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to tell your son HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! specially when he’s turned 20 and you’ve exhausted skynyrds simple man and aw crap, that awesome cover by the band whos name i just cant remember right now but i LOVE the cover band and no. im not going there with the beatles. that is beyond exhausted lol.  i dont know much hip hop so i cant use anything there (but mebbe i’ll buzz pedro and see if he knows any hip hop happy birthday tunes lol).

once again, im not with him on his birthday and i’ve hated that for years.  when my kids were growing up, they spent august with my sister in florida.  and part of that vakay was where we would go when we were kids, longboat key.  oh how i miss that place,  but i can close my eyes and on the mental movie screen, i can watch the reruns of my young youth, remember some of the pics we had (one of my sister driving my uncle pauls boat is one of the ones i remember clearest – and me, both my sisters and my cousin stuby on the beach with a fish one of us had caught – either my little sis or stuby).  they BOTH loved fishing, my sister still does it as often as she can.  but my sister and my dad made sure my kids had fantastic vacations and something precious to remember.  and i owe at least that much to my sister and my dad.  i can never be able to thank them enough.  but my sons birthday happens to be in august when he was with my sister (and i wont go into the days between, sad sigh). sooooo, i never saw my boy on his birthday which really sucked.  i’d call every year and talk to him, and hear his voice, close my eyes and see those blue eyes of his but….   i wish my sister would make copies of all the pics she has and send them to me.

i think back to when i was pregnant and i took boy to his first concert – gun n roses (one of the ones when axhole actually showed up) and looked down and said: LISTEN UP BOY, IT DONT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS!! and he rolled around in response!  i remember being at my best friends house and seeing my sillohette in the garden rooms window and in a horrified voice – i look like a whale!  2 days later, i went into labor and she took me to the hospital but it was false labor – tuck, your aunt kadiedid almost made it there for your real birthday!  i wish she had been there!  and sho nuff lol, 2 days after she left to go back north, you made your appearance in the world.  i give you serious props bud – 4 hours labor, start to finish, and by the time i wanted the drugs doc said too late, your having the babe.  i said, doc, i dont think you understand. GIVE ME DEMEROL NOW. and doc said, again, no, you’re having the baby!! you showed up shortly after that. au natural.. sigh. 😉

now here you are.  off to college. gone from the house and dammitalltohell you’re sisters gone too and i hate it. i wish you both were here cause i miss you and i miss you and your sister so freaking much i cant stand it.  sure dad and i are enjoying the quiet <seg> but on the same hand, its too quiet, i dont like that emptiness where you once were, i dont like the change.  i wish the parenthood manual came with that disclaimer.  being warned would not have changed anything but then again, maybe being warned would have helped.

doubt it.

it sucks

i miss you so much.

and i still have no song for you on your birthday. im wracking my brains. all im getting is and i have no idea why is tom petty and the heartbreakers “here comes my girl” – you love tom almost as much as i did. probably because i was with that band from damn the torpedos and saw them 4 times lol. lurves me some tp!   the last time i saw tom petty was with your dad and, im on the tom petty site and im fairly certain it was full moon fever tour. before that i saw – damn the torpedos, hard promises and long after dark!  most excellent band!!!

ahh.  i have it.  i will give you something of me, something we both love.  Happy Birthday My Son.  I am so very, very proud of you.

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