koolaid on a summers day wait is it really summer?

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hello koolaid my old friend, ive come to drink with you again.  ahh koolaid, the quintessential summer drink. but, the question that remains on my part is – is it really summer?  the last month (july) was COLD and rainy. i can deal with rainy if i have to, but its summer. its july. its supposed to be in the high 80’s to somewhere in the 90’s.  not the 70’s like its been for the last several weeks. im losing my tan dammit.

now granted, due to my exercise program (i ROCK), i dont drink anything but water on a daily basis, its a great way to flush toxins and keep your skin fresh.  but…. i enjoy a glass of sweet tea or koolaid now and again and i’ve found that if i ignore the craving for too long, i over do it and thats not what my program is about. its about healthy living and regular exercise. ive already lost a nice chunk of weight since i joined in jan – to the point where i can take off a pair of jeans without unbuttoning or unzipping them. they slide right over my hips and butt so easily!  im so damn proud of myself.

im sorry ive been gone for so very long. i know some of you actually enjoy what i write – the socially unattractive life of jen lol but the last year + has been interesting to say the least and i just havent had it in me to write.  i started a new job last sept, working at a school and this is my first summer vacation in 30+ years.  i dont think i like it very much, i desperately need the routine.  going to the gym 3x a week helps tho.  im still a bipolar anxious panicy bitch but thanks to my paid best friend, im coping much better with it.  then again, due to extraordinary rx costs of my bipolar med, i had to half it.  its been a few months since i did that and i find i need the whole dose.  too much rapid cycling going on that messes up my head. so i’ll buck up and pay the extra money for the full dosage.  sigh my budget doesnt need this hit lol.

but – where the hell is summer?  we hardly had much of a spring – came late then got HOT (i love it).  june was lovely, in the pool several times a week working on my tan. but then, like i said above, then came the rain and chilly temps.  so much for global warming eh? what a joke.  but its going to be a gorgeous day today, sunny in the 80’s, yippee!!!  mebbe i’ll get the old man to take me for a putt when he gets home if he’s not too tired.  i worry about my beloved. he works so hard to take care of us so i treat him like a king.  waiting on him hand and foot is a true pleasure for me, because i get it back and after the hell ive been thru with men in my life, my beloved is a rare treasure.  he deserves to be a king.

on a truly wonderful note – my son, my most awesome and handsome son turned 22 yesterday. holy shit where the hell did the time go?  i remember my smiling blue eyed boy laughing and playing outside and miss that so much.  why do kids have to grow up?  but m’boy is in the army now – and i couldnt be more proud of him if i tried.  and im a damn proud army mom!!!  and if that aint the shit, my awesome minime will be 25 soon.  jesus.  brats looking at grad schools in fields i couldnt understand if i tried. that physics brain of hers will take her places.  she had a slight detour in her life plan, but i believe that was gods doing in that he took her out of potential harms way.  i doubt she see’s it that way, but its the only thing that makes sense to me.

ahhhh summertime. i do love it even though im not dealing with it well lol. cant wait to go back to school and ANYONE who’s known me for a very long time will be laughing their asses off at that statement considering i despise and hate school.  ive started a little flower garden out front of the hobbit house, my lavender is doing wonderfully and i just transplanted a baby bleeding heart out front. my basil is HUGE and i put my chicks and hens in a strawberry pot.  they’re thriving wonderfully and are hardy in zone 5 where i live. not bad for a cactus lol.  i lined part of the garden with purple and pink alyssum, such pretty plants.  got the ok from the landlord to put some plants in out back – a large bleeding heart and two white alyssums on either side.  i find im not that bad at growing plants.  next year i will put in annuals for color.

ahhh summertime – livins easy


damn i cant post the video now. oh well… click the link. janis is amazing live.



its a beautiful day dont let it get away its a beautiful day

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gentle readers.  boy do i love U2.  ive seen them 2 or 3 times (not sure, i don’t remember things very well lol). but one of my best and most favorite all time concerts was the joshua tree tour. wow. then again, it was a couple of days after major surgery and im there at the stadium with a pillow, just in case lol.  oh the things I’ve done to have a good time… 😉

but yes its a beautiful day – today is the day my beautiful daughter turns 23.  or 24.  im not quite sure – math is not one of my better subjects (she’s 23, i found the calculator lol).  interestingly enough, she’s a physics and applied mathematics dual major. don’t know where she got the math bwains from.  wasnt me.  or the rest of her bwains – she’s brilliant, genius or genius plus level brilliant.  butthead and i were cleaning out the shed (where we stashed everything when we moved) to decide what to keep and what to shred.  all the kids stuff was natch a keeper (oh the smiles and near tears) and i found the SAT’s she took when she was in the gifted program in early middle school and she scored low to mid 400’s in math and reasoning.  wow. middle school. ms geek she was and a proud geek she was!  I couldn’t be more proud of her.  or amazed. or bewildered.  my daughter is an enigma.

and now she is an adult. hmm.  not sure if I really like that lol. but it doesn’t matter if I like it or not, time marches on, things change, daughters grow up. and grow up she has. college suits her, if it was up to her, she would be a student forever.  she did not get that from me.  I was talking to my little sister earlier and I told her I remember her holding my infant daughter, she was so small.  my sister said she was so beautiful and she was. so tiny and perfect. so utterly intimidating.  I was totally terrified of this precious little thing I had given birth to. but we learned together, with the help of my mom, how to be a mother and daughter.  as butthead and I were cleaning out the shed today, I found my fantasia tape – KEEPER!  but I also hope I managed to save the little mermaid, her favorite movie. we. watched. that. movie. every. day. several. times. a. day. lol. and i know her tiny little fingerprints are all over it.  I close my eyes…

but if it even looked like it was or smelled like barney its long gone.  I hate that purple dinosaur.

but back to my beautiful adult daughter lol. she’ll be graduating in may.  she’s had her entire senior year paid for by scholarship. if it was anyone else, i would be – that’s so cool!  but with my daughter, im not surprised or amazed. i just shake my head and smile.  it’s just another spark in the brilliant fire that is her life.  she is totally focused on her life, her upcoming career, her fiancée.  i have no idea how i managed to raise such an incredible success/i cant think of the word i want, so i would like to thank butthead, her step dad.  i blame him totally for everything she has become.  i was just the cook, maid, laundry lady and cheerleader lol.  oh yeah – chauffeur.  i was driving miss daisy constantly lol.  but if it was not for him, i don’t think i would have been able to have done it.  so thank you honey.  thank you for helping me create the most incredible kid/adult/daughter the world will see.  i could not have done it on my own.  but daughter mine, when kilo crosses the Rainbow Bridge, the pezzinator is yours. again.  come and get him lol.  i have enough anxiety in my life, his separation anxiety will make me nuttier than i already am lol.

now, my little girl is getting married in may, she’s grown up and is now flying the coop.  going off to college was bad enough, now she’s really leaving home. sigh. she’s starting a family all on her own.  a part of me hates that.  i guess that’s natural, i want to keep my kids close, to protect them from this world we live in now. it’s not the world i grew up in. its dangerous, cruel and i cant handle the thought of anything happening to my daughter or son, anything taking away the innocence before its natural time. i don’t want them to grow up and grow away. i have to protect them but i know i cant, i know its life. something ive never been fond of but it is what it is. holy crap, i just realized ive turned into my father. todays her birthday and i contacted my son and reminded him to call his sister on her birthday – something my dad did to me on my sisters birthdays. omg. and i contacted both my sisters too!!!.  looking up – pop, your legacy lives on!!  may my family forgive me lol.

i think of how she’s changed over the years, from the shyish youngster she was, thru the band geek highschool years to the confident, mature, funny beautiful woman she’s become. and i smile to the amazing brilliant star she will be.  sunny – i will leave you with this –  life’s most valuable lesson and words of wisdom.  because i love you.

What you don’t have you don’t need it now
What you don’t know you can feel it somehow
What you don’t have you don’t need it now
Don’t need it now
It was a beautiful day
ps – i found your hanson ticket  and boy have i forgotten how smokin hot bono is. 😉

i need serenity

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well gentle readers, its been a little longer than i would have liked (yes, i know i can go a month or two) but so many things have been going on and ive had to deal with death yet again. had a wedding to go to.  my second 29th birthday (i liked the first one so much i decided to stay here).   and, my daughter and her boyfriend stopped by for a visit during the long weekend and informed us (ie asked for toms permission*big happy grin*) that THEY’RE GETTING MARRIED AND….. I SAW MY SON – MY MOST AWESOME SON!

where to begin, where to begin…  lets start with the wedding.  two of the people i love most in the world were getting married on 9/1 down in the outter banks.  id been helping when needed to prep for the wedding (researching wedding vows and services).  i have the gas money stashed away so i don’t have to worry about getting there and back, have a friend of jos to ride with me so tom wouldn’t worry lol – im a tentative yes as a go. then the fone rings. see below and there went all my gas and money.  it broke my heart that i couldn’t be there with the people i love most – but it is typical of my life, i make plans, God in His infinite wisdom, laughs soo…

lets talk about the hurt.  i get a call the friday before last from my ex, his mom has been moved to hospice and her organs are failing – its time.  i told him id google map the directions and would be there as soon as possible.  with tears in my eyes i get the directions and blew out the door.  now understand gentle readers, she was not only my mother in law, she was also “my aunt”.  im sure you think that is kind of strange, but i have known her since i was 10 years old and called her “aunt” my whole life.   i knew my ex’s older and younger brother since then, just never my ex.   till my best friend and i wrecked her car looking at two mighty fine-looking young men walking down the side of the road and his younger brother drove the tow truck lol.

so i blow down the road to the hospital, and see my ex in-laws for the first time in a long time and realized that i missed them very much.  we’ve been estranged for a couple of years due to some of my bipolar issues and they have been my family for all of my life.  my oldest friend preferred to remain estranged (she put her hand up to the side of her face as if to say stay away) and that’s her prerogative and i wont waste my time on it but i felt like i have been welcomed back into the fold and it was very very nice to be able to be around my ex and have it be pleasant and hassle free.  i hated seeing him so unhappy – he told me that when he found out his mom was dying, he remembered how it was when it was my mom passed away – they were close.  but i went in to sit with my aunt and let her know how much she meant to me and how much i loved her and that it was ok to let go = there was nothing to be afraid of, she was going home.  i believe in my heart of hearts that she heard me.  i went back out to the hospices general area and caught up with everyone – all my kids have grown up and are getting married, having kids of their own – it was surreal in a strange way.  my ex and i went out to smoke and talk and when we got back, his brother said its time.  everyone all but ran into the room — the silence was tense and palpable and god bless holly, she broke the silence and got us all talking and reminiscing about gram, mom and aunt.  i will never forget pulling into the driveway to see her hip deep rebuilding a motor lol.  we all were laughing and talking knowing she heard us all around her sending her off with joy and happiness.  but when she finally let go, seeing my aunt jean and amy heartbroken destroyed me.  seeing my ex with tears in his eyes broke my heart.  a large part of my heart and life left with her.  i texted both of my kids that their gram had passed away and that their dad needed them and to stick close to him.  im not needed then and let aunt jean know im a phone call away and seeing the sadness in her eyes was more than i could bear, so homeward bound i was.

i hate DEATH.  i hate it so much. its been in my life entirely too much the last 2 years.  im sick of the calls, the texts, the hospital and hospice visits, the visitations and memorials. the loss and pain.  the emptiness that feels like it will never end.  so… my ex texts me the details of the arrangements, the funeral home and visitation/memorial and naturally (sometimes i think they do things like this to me on purpose lmsao) on my birthday.  my second 29th birthday.  my ex was flying our son up and i was looking forward to seeing him.  so the morning of the service, my birthday, i wake up sick as hell starting around 4.30am sick as hell.  i am not sure if im going to make the service and let my ex and son know.  i was going to however see my son if i have to go to my ex’s, ima move mountains and touch the sun if thats what it takes to see my son.  he sounded disappointed on his text (if you can sound anything via text lol) but dammitall i. will. see. my. son. about 10.30/11am i think im feeling like i can make it to the luncheon, buzzed my ex to find out where it is and off i went. only had a couple of pit stops but im going to see my son.  i finally make it to the church and naturally it was about over (its how i roll) but i walk in – and there is my son standing next to his sister and fiance.  i just stood there watching him, absorbing everything i could about him with a mothers pride.  then i walked up to them so happy to have my kids together next to me.  we had a few minutes to chat and i had my picture taken with both my kids – i was thrilled.  but then it was time for everyone to leave and as we were walking away, my son turned around and said Bye Mom – and i turned around – he was looking back and i hollered bye son I Love You!  i miss him so much.  he sent me a text while i was driving home and i don’t use my fone while im driving so i had to wait till i got to a light where i could read it (ive locked the text in my fone) and the pictures – and there is my son – not smiling lol.  i sent back would it kill you to smile in the pictures???  and he sent back “lol alrighty”.   but i got my birthday wish, something i’ve kept close to my heart, i saw my son – and had both my kids together on my birthday – even though it was a sad occasion.

so lets jump back to the weekend before, the long weekend.  we weren’t doing anything except just enjoying our weekend together as there is nothing i like better than waking up next to my beloved.  we catch up with the shows we record during the week, mebbe go food shopping – found a new wallyworld (where i dont feel like shooting everyone, but i still have my social anxiety) and schlep.  sunday was our (ok mine) schelppin day. it was overcast and muggy and i had no intention of getting dressed.  that’s a schleppin day – you just wash your face, brush your teeth and hair, get your make up on and stay comfy on the couch.  then the text message tone rings out thru the house. its my minime, wondering what we’re doing.  i sent back schleppin, why?  she said they were in the area and wanted to know if they could stop by.  i said im schleppin but id get my glad rags on and they can stop over any time they would like.   i always enjoy it when my kids stop by (i consider her boyfriend one of my kids lol).  shortly thereafter, they pull in and we’re happy and catching up and im not quite sure how it all went down now (too much excitement lol) and her boyfriend looked at tom and i and at tom and said i would like your permission to ask your daughter to marry me.

my beloveds face lit up and he said YES, my beautiful daughter and her fiance’s faces were glowing and she pulled out her hand with her engagement ring and all i could do was repeat MY BABY with my hand to my mouth and i got up and picked her up and just hugged her saying my baby.  i am not sure how i managed not to cry lol but my heart was so big it was bout ready to burst.  after i finally let minime go, i grabbed her fiance and gave him a big hug and welcomed him to the family/asylum.  huh – im crying with happiness as im writing this.  i am gaining a wonderful son-in-law – the two of them are great together – he is very good for my daughter and i would bet dollars to donuts she is the same for him. they balance each other.  i told them they will be the power couple of the decade.  i was then sworn to secrecy until the family was told.  daughter mine – you have no idea how hard it was to hold onto the secret of the century – however…. i did tell my 3 dearest girlfriends and an entire biker forum and swore them all to silence – i couldn’t hold it in lol.  i was slightly surprised that neither of my sisters contacted me but hey – that’s how my family rolls.  it’s all good.  now i get to look for mother of the bride dresses and help my beauty in any way she would like in planning her wedding!!!!!

ok – im not quite sure where im at right now – ive covered DEATH, seeing my son, the big announcement, being unable to go to my dear friends wedding, hmm… ah yes, my second 29th birthday lol.  my beloved worked that morning and brought me home a great birthday card from him – and a sweet one from one of his coworkers that we all love (and he’s supposed to give him a big hug from me).  my birthday was on saturday which allowed us to have a rest and recovery day on sunday lol.  i think it was around 5 or 6 that i looked at my beloved and said – wanna go out now rather than later?  sure – lets roll.  we get to the maple and the drunken debauchery begins with a double cap’n and coke….. there was the birthday flaming homo shot (bar birthday shot), several doubles and a shot of tellamore dew (not enough ooooooohs in smooth to describe it) and the jukebox finally went silent lol.  out came my $5 and i all but ran to the box to play real music.  patti and pixie were there (my homegirls – jenattixie town) and we had a blast. i am not quite sure what time we left – i was feelin no pain lol.  hell, i don’t even remember going to bed *chortling*.  i do however, remember with exquisite clarity waking up. and wanting a nap. i was able after a few cups of coffee to make a ham and swiss omelette and following that, curling up on the love seat (a small couch for those of you who don’t know what that is) unable to stretch out (which really sucked because my legs are as long as the damn couch) and finally, taking my much-needed nap.  woke up a couple of hours later, wondering when i could squeeze in my second nap lol.  i have reached the age when it takes at least a day to recover from a night of drinking – but preferably two…

so – where does i need serenity fit in?  ive had my kid rock disc on high rotation (basically because i keep forgetting to bring my other discs out to the truck) and godsmacks serenity is on it and has been in the back of my mind since my mother in law passed away. – i find it to be very soothing and well hell, i just love sully.  yet it means a lot to me as well – i need serenity in the chaos of my mind, but i cant find it.

i need serenity…

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