the silicon switch inside her head

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gets switched to over load gentle readers. and no, that does not mean im going to go postal on a clock tower with a high powered sniper rifle, it means right now im getting a helluva headache and that particular lyric is on high rotation.  holy crap – there is nothing like this particular pain – its a stabbing pain between the eyebrows but hitting right behind the top of my left eye.  thats not mentioning the dull ache in the back of my head and temples.  it literally felt like a switch was flipped in my head, it hit me out of nowhere.

ive got the drapes pulled closed as when this happenes, darkeness is perferable as light is like a light saber to the bwain. stabbing pain thru the eyes and i have my shades on over my glasses.  i have no idea what i have done to instigate this one.  as im am out of my painkiller, im going to fake it till i make it with tylenol migraine. i hate tylenol but since excedrine has been pulled from the shelves, you  do what you gotta do.

and a good morning to you gentle readers.  i managed with a little help from my friends to sleep most of  that damn headache off, get most of my chores done and get the pezzinator all cleans up.  and he is now sitting over there (points to the left) looking at me with that quizzical look and leaning just a little to the left that says c’mon mom, let me out!  but no fuzz, you’re still damp and i dont want him to get dirty again.  he’s almost completely white again cept for the slightly tan spots on his butt lol. oh dear Lord, one answer was “chill with God” on family feud’s question what would you do when you go to heaven.  and no, that was not the first answer.  number 1 was sleep.  number 6 i think, was “boink”. yes gentle readers, that was the exact answer, 4 people think they would “boink” when they get to heaven.  and i am sitting here with my head in one hand wondering what on glods green earth do people think anymore.  but who am i to wonder why.

so i get a text from my ex this morning.  his mom, my ex mother in law but more importantly, my aunt janet, has been given 3 to 6 months and is expected to be sent home to hospice.   he told me out of respect and i was actually surprised by that (im the black sheep of that side of the family, married to the golden child and everything was my fault, he could do no wrong but everything was actually his fault, he lied like a rug, he stole money from me and others, destroyed some treasured gifts my sister sent me for christmas but thats not important now but it felt good to say it).  i asked him if i would be welcome/allowed at the hospice as she is my aunt janet and i’ve loved her about all my life.  he said he’d get back to me, he was at work.  i would truly hope that side of the family can put their issues with me aside and remember that i love her just as much and am just as affected.  this is a large part of my life that is going away.  after that will be aunt jean, and i expect that to be not long after, they have been best friends all my life. its been aunt jean and aunt janet. forever.  but somehow i really doubt they will do that. same with my kids.  learning how to forgive and let go is not something they are  gifted with. any of them.  it took me a while to realize that forgiveness benefits me and allows me to move forward.

that particular friendship had been dead on my end for quite some time but because of my husband, i maintained it until the bitter end.  and i still dont know what i did. but whatever it was, and im sure it was bad, im glad. very very glad. forgiving her allowed me to move forward and allows me to recall our friendship fondly and with smiles.  cause we did have a whole lotta fun! 😀   i will always love my pal al. i just dont have to have her in my life anymore.  and that is when i realized that forgiveness is for me – not them.  the pain of the betrayal (that i had always suspected) was finally lifted.  how she can maintain a friendship with my daughter is beyond me lol but thats pal and i wouldnt have her any other way. *grinning*

same with my stalker.  we were friends.  now i honestly believe she has no idea what friendship is truly about. cause if you do, you dont stab a friend in the back over absolutely nothing then purchase personal and confidential info on them and publish it on a public blog (and send invites to hundreds) and spend years trying to humiliate me online (didnt work, im still allowed on the site, she’s permantly banned).  ive been able to marginalize her for the most part, i have very good contacts, but when she threatened my husband and kids, a few times, my gloves came off.  hence me protecting Socially Unattractive.  i truly believe she has serious mental issues, enough to make me look like a saint, and enough that i believe she desperatly needs to be committed. to publicaly threaten my husband and kids – people she doesnt know?  really??  just not a wise idea.  not a wise idea at all.  for all that im a rather easy going Jesus lovin deadhead, do not EVER threaten my family. its just not a wise idea.  but even so, i will always care for her, despite how badly she fucked up the friendship. ive forgiven her.  doesnt mean i wont take care of business when i have to, but i do forgive her.  because i truly believe she knows not what she does.  she maintains friendships with 2 other people solely because they are terrified that what she did to me, she will do to them if they attempt to break off the relationship.  ladies – quadeloupe, vanessa (dolly and sassy) – just do it, and get it over with.  that way, she will be totally marginalized on delphi with only insanejane for company.  what more could you possibly ask for??  she is the most hated poster on the boards as everyone knows.

and on that note, ive been wandering thru the wayback machine from hell. seeing names i hadnt thought of in years didnt do me a whole helluva lot of good.  depressed the hell out of me which pissed me off because why should it depress me again and that pissed me off too. that i got depressed, again and pissed off.  i thought i had all that pain dead and buried and guess what – i was WRONG. deathly wrong.  wounds i thought had healed (yeah, right) opened back up.  luckily i saw my shrink pretty close to it but still – its like a spector haunting me.  glod i hated those people and the damage they did to me.  i never would have thought i would ever see them again much less think all that hurt would resurface. i was wrong.  again.  where’s my vodka????

sigh. i really have no song to leave you with. perhaps dylans positively 4th street? hmmm.  yeah, i think i”l go with that – it fits. for the most part.

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whats the right thing, whats the right song, the right words

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to tell your son HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! specially when he’s turned 20 and you’ve exhausted skynyrds simple man and aw crap, that awesome cover by the band whos name i just cant remember right now but i LOVE the cover band and no. im not going there with the beatles. that is beyond exhausted lol.  i dont know much hip hop so i cant use anything there (but mebbe i’ll buzz pedro and see if he knows any hip hop happy birthday tunes lol).

once again, im not with him on his birthday and i’ve hated that for years.  when my kids were growing up, they spent august with my sister in florida.  and part of that vakay was where we would go when we were kids, longboat key.  oh how i miss that place,  but i can close my eyes and on the mental movie screen, i can watch the reruns of my young youth, remember some of the pics we had (one of my sister driving my uncle pauls boat is one of the ones i remember clearest – and me, both my sisters and my cousin stuby on the beach with a fish one of us had caught – either my little sis or stuby).  they BOTH loved fishing, my sister still does it as often as she can.  but my sister and my dad made sure my kids had fantastic vacations and something precious to remember.  and i owe at least that much to my sister and my dad.  i can never be able to thank them enough.  but my sons birthday happens to be in august when he was with my sister (and i wont go into the days between, sad sigh). sooooo, i never saw my boy on his birthday which really sucked.  i’d call every year and talk to him, and hear his voice, close my eyes and see those blue eyes of his but….   i wish my sister would make copies of all the pics she has and send them to me.

i think back to when i was pregnant and i took boy to his first concert – gun n roses (one of the ones when axhole actually showed up) and looked down and said: LISTEN UP BOY, IT DONT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS!! and he rolled around in response!  i remember being at my best friends house and seeing my sillohette in the garden rooms window and in a horrified voice – i look like a whale!  2 days later, i went into labor and she took me to the hospital but it was false labor – tuck, your aunt kadiedid almost made it there for your real birthday!  i wish she had been there!  and sho nuff lol, 2 days after she left to go back north, you made your appearance in the world.  i give you serious props bud – 4 hours labor, start to finish, and by the time i wanted the drugs doc said too late, your having the babe.  i said, doc, i dont think you understand. GIVE ME DEMEROL NOW. and doc said, again, no, you’re having the baby!! you showed up shortly after that. au natural.. sigh. 😉

now here you are.  off to college. gone from the house and dammitalltohell you’re sisters gone too and i hate it. i wish you both were here cause i miss you and i miss you and your sister so freaking much i cant stand it.  sure dad and i are enjoying the quiet <seg> but on the same hand, its too quiet, i dont like that emptiness where you once were, i dont like the change.  i wish the parenthood manual came with that disclaimer.  being warned would not have changed anything but then again, maybe being warned would have helped.

doubt it.

it sucks

i miss you so much.

and i still have no song for you on your birthday. im wracking my brains. all im getting is and i have no idea why is tom petty and the heartbreakers “here comes my girl” – you love tom almost as much as i did. probably because i was with that band from damn the torpedos and saw them 4 times lol. lurves me some tp!   the last time i saw tom petty was with your dad and, im on the tom petty site and im fairly certain it was full moon fever tour. before that i saw – damn the torpedos, hard promises and long after dark!  most excellent band!!!

ahh.  i have it.  i will give you something of me, something we both love.  Happy Birthday My Son.  I am so very, very proud of you.

your gonna hear electric music solid walls of sound

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benny, benny, benny, benny and the jets (whistle righteously). outstanding tune if you ask me but then again, im an old fan of classic rock music and elton john is no exception!  if i had to make an all time excellent driving disc, this tune would be on it.  car dancing notwithstanding lol.

there is only one way to listen to music and it is only solid walls of sound.  sadly lol its also because of my belief in solid walls that my hearing is somewhat damaged.   not just because i went to over a hundred concerts as a teenager (my father was under the belief that he was encouraging my deep love of music. he was, but he was also enabling my penchant for partying my ass off at said concerts lol and i knew who to know <seg>), but because i also listened to my walkman at full volume (walkman SA, whats that? – go google it kids lol), ok, here it is, i think  my stereo at home at full volume  (till mom started banging on the wall for me to turn it down, and in my car, which was a perfect concert hall.  i could crank that stereo at full volume and you could hear poppa was a rollin stone 3 blocks away!  loves me my motown! ok. my hearings not somewhat damaged, its really messed up lmsao.  a lot of it i blame on uncle ted at the tower in upper darby.  small intimate theatre, not a single bad seat in the house, perfect acoustics and i had 8th row seats.  lustful sigh – uncle ted in all his glory 20 feet away and speakers galore! mmmmm. i couldnt hear for 3 days and it was so worth it!!!

ive had this lyric in draft for quite some time however, life throwing me a curve ball inevitably fucks it up. and ive been tossed another curve ball and this certainly isnt going the way i intended it to go.  waking up to some really sucky news (and bitching at tom to answer my fone if im asleep and him telling me if my fone isnt in the bedroom, he wont answer it, jackass) and i mean really sucky news is just a wonderful way to start the day. what makes it even worse is there is nothing i can do about it. and i hate that.  and there is the realization that you are the one who screwed up the familial relationships (well hell, i knew it all all along and i had/have my reasons) and you try to make it right with the sisters.  i’ve always joked that there is no state in this union big enough for the 3 of us to be in.  at least for very long.  will it work?  only time will tell. glod love ya kiiiiiiiiiiid kid rock. you’ve been on high rotaton lately!

but on a lighter side, i have this absolutely GORGEOUS bruise on my upper arm and i have no idea how it got there! i am considering having it tattood for a fantastic memory’s sake~!  what a freakin hoot that day was!   getting lost sucks and no i am not getting a megellan tom.  funny i didnt think of it but i have telnav on my fone….  *looking everywhere but at you all* ALWAYS LISTEN TO THAT INNER VOICE!!!

aight. i’ve lost the mojo today. ive got too much on my mind to give you all, gentle readers something worth reading and please accept my apology.  aahhh but not so fast…  last week my best bud and i were sitting at the bar and there is a new young bartender (if she’s 16 i’ll be surprised lol. youth is wasted on the young).  in walks a fine lookin man in his vvmc colors. (sadly the bar does have a no colors rule).  there werent that many of us there so the rules were relaxed a bit for him and i was givin the chance to flirt a bit (its what i do – c’mon already!) and kel texted the owner to see if he could stay as his brothers were on they’re way.  oh the fun we had that afternoon.  the bartender (again, if she is 16 ill be surprised lol) said whats that – pointing to the classic rock channel on the tv – to which i replied, music.  flash grinned at me and the rest of us started laughing.  we strung it out as long as we could having him there because we were having a great time but eventually my dearest owner (im beng nice here honey lol) said no – if we relax the rules for one, we have to for all.  which we all understand, it is a biker bar after all.  so flash – you have a fan or 4 out here at the maple.  you will not be forgotten, and definintely not by me!  🙂

and on that note my friends,  i bid you a fond adieux…. at least till i get my mojo back lol

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