i know one fact, i’ll be one tough act to follow

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And I know some shit’s so hard to swallow But I can’t just sit back and wallow In my own sorrow but I know one fact i’ll be one tough act to follow. here today, gone tomorrow, but you’d have to walk a thousand miles in my shoes just to see what its like to be me. i’ll be you, lets trade shoes, just to see what it’d be like, to feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each others minds.  just to see what we’d find, look at shit through each others eyes. dont let them say your not beautiful,  they can all  get fucked  stay true to you. dont let them say you aint beautiful, they can all go get fucked stay true to you!

god i love that white boy and i so see where he’s at in beautiful and even more in not afraid. i watch that frequently as em resembles my son so much.  but lose yourself will always have the biggest part in my heart.  yet it made my heart fill with joy when son texted his dad nad told him he wouldnt be half the man he is if not for him.  what better compliment could you possibly get?  lose yourself in the music the moment you own it you better never let it go, you only get one shot  do not let you your chance to blow this opportunitiy comes once in a lifetime yo!

ok, now we’ll slide on down to kiiiiiiiiiiiiid kid rock!but you can

look for answers…… and no kid would be apropo sans cowboy baby.

and this bitch’ll get kicked outa bars one day…cowboy baby – i can smell a pig from a mile away <seg> but these have been on my driving disc for some reason i have yet to figure out why. other than car dancing  i dont know.  i have finally gotten rid of my family. yes i know its harsh but when they start giving you rules on relationships, well that just wrong and now  you are to have a conditional familial relationship  well i dont swing that way homie. my shrink was amused when i told her said child told me that psychotherapy doesnt work.  which makes me wonder. if therapy doesnt work, how will a relationship with basically NOTHING to talk about will work and heal?  oh well, aint my problem anymore. and a large weight got lifted cause every as time i had any contact with her was via written word and we all know the written word does not convey the intended meaning and my family excels at taking the worst possible meaning and sticking with it lol especially when im concerned.  i got some decent jewelry to sell to make ends meet.  despite the ignorant bitch she’s decided to be (and i suspect with help), i will have my pearl necklace restrung for her college graduation and my sapphire ring for her birth day.  and when its his turn my son gets my engagement ring – tis a family thing. he wont have to worry about spending a crapload on a ring for a woman who makes him happy.  and if i approve of her, i will have pearl earrings made for her.  i have seveal loose pearls laying around.  im not sure what i’ll do with the cameos yet. they’re well over a hundred years old.  perhaps a grandkid will get them. perhaps –

i do have a piece of advice out there for you – love does not have conditions set on it.  and if you think it does, say hello to divorce court. and therapy lmsao.  but i know one thing for real:


here today, gone tomorrow but


why cant we be friends, why cant we be friends


why cant we be friends, why cant we be friends?  i see you round for a long long time, i really ‘membered you when you drink my wine (or in my case, smoke my spliff gentle readers – because once upon a time i had the money…).  ahh its good to be back up and running after this long long time of being offline with the exception of my droid which is definitely not conducive to posting on a blog. or facebook.  or delphi for that matter.  especially when you need new glasses and the damn screen is really small, to me at least lol.  but gentle readers, im baaaack and feel the need to work a few things out of the gray matter.  why?  because im socially unattractive, thats why. and i dont give a flying fuck. or fuckery fuck fuck fuck.

friends have been on my mind the last couple of days and i woke up with a song in my heart and knew it was time to write but thats not the song im working with right now. that’ll come later <seg>. this one by war crept in and it seemed fitting with where im at and what im trying to process again.  some things just will not go away and thats because there are years and years behind them.  some are only a few years behind them.  some, just a few months but i get confused about the different types of friends i have had and had to deal with over the years. especially the ones that just wont go the fuck away until you are totally emotionally broken, you’ve damaged the two people you love the most and then get a freaking cryptic email from said oldie and think what the fuck is this? and that was the one you tried to end a few years earlier but only apologized because my dear heart said thats your best friend.  um, no, my best friend is in texas (mebbe iowa but i dont remember right now).  but thats your best friend he reiterated.  honey, no. my best friend is in texas and this is a particularly heavy load ive been carrying for too long.   but this particular 150lb monkey on my back who thinks they know everything about everything is finally gone and i do breathe easier.   sometimes i cant believe how much easier i breathe.  i unfortunatly had given this monkey residence in the gray matter and it had taken advantage of it for all those years. but now, i can rest happily in the knowledge that i will no longer be subjected to 4 hour fone calls where i have had to have tom call in and give me a reason to hang up and now a peace in the graymatter where there once was a crass annoyance. one thing however, i have noticed is that the memories i do have of this monkey arent as painful any longer and i can now look back and smile.

whew. growth. who’d have thunk it?

Sometimes I don’t speak too bright, but yet I know what I’m talking about…  there are a few other long time friends that i am in quasi contact with.  i say quasi as we’re just facebook friends now but in many ways, we’re establishing some sort of adult friendships and i find that i like that.  some i meet up with (and some i dont anymore but would like to again and make amends and they know who they are) and i enjoy that time.  we laugh at the “olden days” (shut up brats lol) and marvel at the fact that were we really ever that young? and dumb (depending on what memory we’re talking about – like piling up in the back of someones pickup with a keg and driving out to the resivoir to drink and swim lol). (here’s the kicker, i cant remember the name of the resivouir lol – i see it in my mind, remember it clearly but i have no idea of the name of the resivouir lol) GOT IT – SPRINGTON LAKE!!! (or tell them that stop signs with white lines around them are optional).   those were the days <seg>.

but one thing i didnt realize until recently was the fact that when pop passed away, none of the people i knew from days gone by ever said anything to me, sent condolences – nothing, not my family either, at least not that i clearly remember (i think i blocked it out).  now granted i was not in good shape. my demons had finally broken thru some time before that and damn near killed me and destroyed some relationships with some i love more than life itself.  but the only people who did are the friends i’ve made online over the last 10+ years at delphi.  i think some of those are the people who know me best, the good the bad the ugly – and and they still talk to me.  i think that when my beloved passes on, i know where im going to disappear to.  huh, if i didnt know better, i would swear someone is making deviled eggs nearby.


The color of your skin don’t matter to me, As long as we can live in harmony. friends with a few years upon them, i think we can and do live in harmony, cept my stalker. she blew a good thing.  i may be messed up in the head 5 ways to the moon and back but im the best friend you could ever have and i aint just sayin that. like i saw on one of my favorite blogs – in chess, the queen will always protect the king. i ALWAYS have toms back, am ALWAYS watching over his shoulder -protecting him without him even knowing it but, with me, if we are friends, i WILL take a bullet for you. no questions asked. that is what my friendship is. there are a few i think online who know that about me.  if i call you friend that is what you can expect.  ive made some friends online that i truly believe that even though i havent spoken to them in a couple of years, i could call them up and it would be like we had talked only yesterday, its as if the time hasnt passed by. then there those i can count on one hand that i have never met but feel like sisters and brothers – the family i never had and wished i did. that is a very.short.list. and unhappily, one who i thought was on that list, im beginning to think has left me behind.

there are some friends who tell you, when you get a wild hair and email to say hi, (as you havent talked to them in quite some time and feel shitty for letting the time get away from you because you really cared about these friends once upon a time but its your stupid fault it got away)  “im still here for ya” and a few lines of fluff email response.  you know in your heart of hearts they arent. you’d love to meet up with friend(s) at a bar a hop skip and a jump down the road but it never happens now. but way back then it would have been jumped at to meet up and have a few drinks and listen to the band and laugh all afternoon.  but you know the reason as you pushed those friend(s) away when your demons started waking up with a vengeance.  *shrugs*  but these are the quasi recent friends.  friends you’ve had since the advent of your foray into the internet and subsequent introduction to delphi forums and sadly the current events and happier – the motorcycle forums.  the current events brought me my stalker, but it also brought me some of the ladies i care most about, in real life.  but then i found the biker forums in the motor transport forums (i think) and found the friends of my heart.  the people i love as much as i love my best friend in texas – tom, do you hear me?  my best friend lives in texas lol. tom, im looking at you (points at eyes then to toms eyes then to mine and repeat) im looking at you – my best friend lives in texas!

i just realized that its getting late by my standards (remember, im clinically depressed, rapid cycling bipolar, strong anxiety/panic disorder and an insomniac.  i need my routine and medhead is kicking in a little bit. that means i am slowly losing the ability to think, type much less see lol. look at those pretty lights… 😉 )  sooooo, i have a couple other friends i need to process about. ok, i definitely want to process about.  cause it hurts what has happened and this time, i dont think its my fault.  wow. i never thought i would say that.(look of surprise on face). and some new friends that im thoroughly tickled about.  lol tom came in a little earlier. our neighbors (very young) got married over the weekend.  they’re on their honeymoon. i’ll discuss the last week soon im sure… (ye gads,,,,) yesterday the wedding party came by, put his truck up on blocks and took the front tires and saran wrapped the cab, over oreos and Glod only knows what the house looks like lol.  tom didnt have the heart to ask when he went over to ask what the hells going on lol.  so that will end this journey into the mind of socially attractives take on why cant we be friends part one. there is more to come but i have a crapload of things to do today but the musics still there my gentle readers.

im baaaack….. <seg> miss me?

kamakazi from the hundredth floor swan dive to the street

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that gentle readers is what crashing from a bipolar perspective feels like. fun aint it? but hey, its uncle ted so i can have that to think of right???  i mean really isnt this:

 one of the finest pieces of eye candy or specimens of manhood you’ve ever seen?  sweet jezus… it makes me weak kneed even sitting down lol.  my beloved wont let me put a poster of ted in a loincloth over the bed.  creep.  but he did put my daughters poster of johnny depp as captain jack sparrow up in our room.  mmm tasty.

but i’ve been struggling over the last several days, or perhaps week. ( hmm maybe i ought to resize that pic of ted to seriously large). the year anniversary of pop was sucky even though i knew it was coming. perhaps this crash is the result of that, perhaps not. for the love of god, im having a hard time just typing anymore. *looks at hands* what the fuck is wrong with you???  but the musics quiet again which is a telltale sign of the crash. my graymatter is a living jukebox. i’ve always got a tune playing so when the musics gone the voices are back and i dont particularly care for that.  it would be different if they were like sleeptalkinman, then i could laugh about it but i am not blessed with that particular gift of gab.

its t-2 to move day. a day im dreading and looking forward to with all my being.  we’re finally getting out of this place and into life (ie no more sliding down my hill in the winter).  but im so damned sick and tired of boxing up everything in the house, throwing stuff out that we dont need anymore.  i am constantly amazed at how much crap  we’ve accumulated in 8 years lol.  but best of all, i found a place that shreds documents so i can take all those files from 8,7,6,5 years ago and get rid of them.  no use keeping that crap around!  i do admit, i’ll miss living in the woods but im liking where we’re going much better.  all that being said, perhaps the moving is causing some of the crash. i dont do change well.

i do enjoy however wandering thru wordpresses freshly pressed and discovering new blogs.  eggtons is awesome, childhood relived is hysterical.  looser or not is black humor par excellence, iamnotdefined is wonderful for advice.  the scrumptious pumpkin has great recipes and there are several more i really like but cant remember (typical for me) and im not finding them in my email, crap!  i would really like to get to know some of these bloggers someday, because they are funny, write well and i see some of myself in them.  i like that and i can learn much from them! 🙂

i do want to change up my blog a bit. i think im going to re-arrange my favorites a bit. put them in categories that makes them easier for visitors to navigate! like food, funny, art – that kind of stuff.  ive been trying to toy with my links but its not doing what i want the technological bitch. but… i need first to get a shower and go to the store and get a can of fruit, i feel a cake coming on. im out of boxes so what the hell, its dump cake time!

and on that note gentle readers, gimme a couple of hours and then come over for dump cake! it’ll be party time!  and those who know me best know i love nothing better than a good party <seg>

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