koolaid on a summers day wait is it really summer?

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hello koolaid my old friend, ive come to drink with you again.  ahh koolaid, the quintessential summer drink. but, the question that remains on my part is – is it really summer?  the last month (july) was COLD and rainy. i can deal with rainy if i have to, but its summer. its july. its supposed to be in the high 80’s to somewhere in the 90’s.  not the 70’s like its been for the last several weeks. im losing my tan dammit.

now granted, due to my exercise program (i ROCK), i dont drink anything but water on a daily basis, its a great way to flush toxins and keep your skin fresh.  but…. i enjoy a glass of sweet tea or koolaid now and again and i’ve found that if i ignore the craving for too long, i over do it and thats not what my program is about. its about healthy living and regular exercise. ive already lost a nice chunk of weight since i joined in jan – to the point where i can take off a pair of jeans without unbuttoning or unzipping them. they slide right over my hips and butt so easily!  im so damn proud of myself.

im sorry ive been gone for so very long. i know some of you actually enjoy what i write – the socially unattractive life of jen lol but the last year + has been interesting to say the least and i just havent had it in me to write.  i started a new job last sept, working at a school and this is my first summer vacation in 30+ years.  i dont think i like it very much, i desperately need the routine.  going to the gym 3x a week helps tho.  im still a bipolar anxious panicy bitch but thanks to my paid best friend, im coping much better with it.  then again, due to extraordinary rx costs of my bipolar med, i had to half it.  its been a few months since i did that and i find i need the whole dose.  too much rapid cycling going on that messes up my head. so i’ll buck up and pay the extra money for the full dosage.  sigh my budget doesnt need this hit lol.

but – where the hell is summer?  we hardly had much of a spring – came late then got HOT (i love it).  june was lovely, in the pool several times a week working on my tan. but then, like i said above, then came the rain and chilly temps.  so much for global warming eh? what a joke.  but its going to be a gorgeous day today, sunny in the 80’s, yippee!!!  mebbe i’ll get the old man to take me for a putt when he gets home if he’s not too tired.  i worry about my beloved. he works so hard to take care of us so i treat him like a king.  waiting on him hand and foot is a true pleasure for me, because i get it back and after the hell ive been thru with men in my life, my beloved is a rare treasure.  he deserves to be a king.

on a truly wonderful note – my son, my most awesome and handsome son turned 22 yesterday. holy shit where the hell did the time go?  i remember my smiling blue eyed boy laughing and playing outside and miss that so much.  why do kids have to grow up?  but m’boy is in the army now – and i couldnt be more proud of him if i tried.  and im a damn proud army mom!!!  and if that aint the shit, my awesome minime will be 25 soon.  jesus.  brats looking at grad schools in fields i couldnt understand if i tried. that physics brain of hers will take her places.  she had a slight detour in her life plan, but i believe that was gods doing in that he took her out of potential harms way.  i doubt she see’s it that way, but its the only thing that makes sense to me.

ahhhh summertime. i do love it even though im not dealing with it well lol. cant wait to go back to school and ANYONE who’s known me for a very long time will be laughing their asses off at that statement considering i despise and hate school.  ive started a little flower garden out front of the hobbit house, my lavender is doing wonderfully and i just transplanted a baby bleeding heart out front. my basil is HUGE and i put my chicks and hens in a strawberry pot.  they’re thriving wonderfully and are hardy in zone 5 where i live. not bad for a cactus lol.  i lined part of the garden with purple and pink alyssum, such pretty plants.  got the ok from the landlord to put some plants in out back – a large bleeding heart and two white alyssums on either side.  i find im not that bad at growing plants.  next year i will put in annuals for color.

ahhh summertime – livins easy

http://youtu.be/bn5TNqjuHiU

damn i cant post the video now. oh well… click the link. janis is amazing live.

 

 

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waiting for my real life to begin

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walking in my old fool steps once again, and you say just be here now, forget about the past the mask is wearing thin. just let me throw one more dice, i know that i can win, im waiting for my real life to begin.  any minute now, my ship is coming in, i’ll keep checking the horizon, not check my machine, its sure to be that cold, it’ll happen soon soon oh so very soon, its just the times a leanin, and you’ll say be still my love, open up your heart, let the light shine in. dont you understand oh i already have a plan, im waiting for my real life to begin.

oh how i love colin hay gentle readers and if you dont, well somethin must be wrong with you.  ok just kiddin lol.  i liked men at work back in teh 80’s – a full decade of music i generally despised, but colin hay- well i just really liked.  his music reached me and if you want to reach me, find music that touches me.  the dead do that in spades.  this particular lyric really works it – because im still, waiting for my real life to begin. even at 47, im waiting for my real life to begin.  i think every bipolar sufferer can relate to that. we’re ok, i am, stuck in a spacewarp that i just can not find my way home from (thank you traffic).  but this lyric could be a discussion between the love of my life and me talking to each other.  i honestly dont know what i’d do without my old man. he grounds me the best that he’s able. hes my rock, my sanity and the man that i love who puts up with me.  im very lucky to have him and oh holy shit not this tune – somewhere over the rainbow/what a wonderful world by israel IZ kamakawiwo’ole.  my sister sent this to me when my dad passed away and it makes me cry, still after the last 2 years.  see – thats what i love yet hate about music. it touches me so deeply that it raises me up to the outer limits and also drags me to the depths of despair.  i miss my dad so much.  ahh teh chaos of my mind…  the meds dont calm it down all the time.  i should have known this tune would be on the colin hay channel on pandora.

open up your heart, let the love shine in.  dont you know how hard it is to let go and be vulnerable?  id rather jump into a box full of poisonous snakes than be vulnerable.  listen to nails down a chalkboard. (thankfully i cant hear too well lol).  i wish to god i didnt break all those years ago. i wish my demons had stayed in the locked box where i had banished them many years ago.  i wish i had let them kill me.  i was much harder then.  my walls were miles thick – until i met my husband and i let myself get soft.  i should have known that when i let go of the walls, they’d come tumbling down and i’d be left in the ashes of my life and back in therapy after destroying everything that meant anything to me. heavily medicated and not liking it.  being numb legally sucks.  being numb illegally is much more fun lol.  i hate being bipolar. i hate it so much. i cant control my moods.  manic is my daily life – i have hte energy to get thru the day and then the insomnia so i cant come down and get any rem sleep. but my bipolar is cursed with crushing lows where i’ll not go quietly into that dark night, i hit rock bottom, dig down more and decide im taking someone out with me if i cant get out of this black hole i am currently residing in.  its a hell that my family doesnt understand. its frightening in its intensity.  the lonliness and despair are crushing.  my beloved hides things when i crash.  funny but i cant find a knife at that time.  cant cook with out knives… or find my meds.  hmm.  fortunatly there is some little teeny tiny spark of light in the swirling blackness that is my mind and i know when i need a timeout, and for the first time in my life, i do the right thing rather than try to take myself out.

anytime now, my ship is coming in gentle readers.  or i like to think so. but really, deep down i know its not. my ship sailed away when i was a teenager and threw away every golden opportunity handed to me on a silver platter.  back then i was diagonosed as clinically severally depressed. and i was and my family didnt make it any easier for me, they were part of the problem.  it sucked.  no wonder i used every drug i could get my hand on and do it in excess lol. but man dems was some fun times  lotsa good memories i have alongside of the horrific ones. like climbing in the kitchen window at 2am and falling off the kitchen sink lol and walking over to the family room to let lips in and sneaking up the stairs, only stepping on certain places so they wouldnt squeek.  ha ha, fun times, fun times.  sometimes i wish i had gone to college, but that would have ended up with me dead of an overdose or on a clock tower and a sniper rifle. i HATE school.  more terrible memories of those assholes.  if i had a bucket list, they’d be on it.  see, now here my anger issues come shining thru.  and boy do i have a lot of anger. sigh.

dont you understand, oh i already have a plan, im waiting for my real life to begin…..

the bitch oh the bitch oh the bitch is back….

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stone cold sober as a matter of fact and now im mad as hell.  ive HAD IT with suxannes family and friends coming in here and doing daily searchs for her on my blog.  you are being warned and warned now. get the fuck away from my blog. you, her family, know she’s seriously disturbed, one of her sisters told me so herself. but be warned. if you do NOT get the fuck away from my blog and your incessant daily searches for her, counsel will be retained and subpoenas for harassment will be issued to the following computers.  As there have been so many from Massachussetts, Rhode Island etc, this WILL take several days as i WILL expose each and every computer, computer id, isp, city, page viewed etc that has come, if you’re stupid enough on her orders, looking for info on her. All this information will be turned over to my local police department for a harassment complaint and then sent onto YOUR police department. You brought it on yourself for listening to that psychopath.  Everything i have said about her can and will, if need be, be proven in a court of law. i have copies of her blog AND copies of each and every email she sent to my email addresses.  her ip, comcast will be subpoena’d if i must. suxanne, you can delete your harddrive but you can not delete your isp. delphi is working with me as well.  This woman, no, she’s no woman, this nutcase is just that – a nutcase and a dangerous one. because of her, i had to have fraud alerts set up, a police report filed due to her purchasing MY HUSBANDS AND MY PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION AND PUBLISHING IT ON A PUBLIC BLOG, my husband who doesnt know this cunt who is a steppin out spousal abusing ho and she’s even gone after my then minor children, threatening them.  you have been warned.  again, i can provide the police report i filed, and every correspondence with the attorney ive been dealing with in the last few years when she posted my personal information online.

 
GEO LOCATION
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Latitude: 41.1172
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Hostname: om.om.cox.net
Last Time IP: 70.171.169.158
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Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 8.0; Windows NT 6.1; WOW64; Trident/4.0; GTB7.4; SLCC2; .NET CLR 2.0.50727; .NET CLR 3.5.30729; .NET CLR 3.0.30729; Media Center PC 6.0; HPDTDF; .NET4.0C; InfoPath.3; MS-RTC EA 2; BRI/1; BRI/2)
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MORON NUMBER 2

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Longitude: -95.9378
Latitude: 41.2586
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MORON NUMBER 3

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State: North Carolina
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Area Code: 336
Longitude: -80.3697
Latitude: 36.0079
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MORON NUMBER 4 I BELIEVE

GEO LOCATION
Connecting City: Charlotte
State: North Carolina
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Timezone: America/New_York
Area Code: 704
Longitude: -80.8431
Latitude: 35.2271
 
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ISP: Cellco Partnership DBA Verizon Wireless
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03:00:55 AM


MORON NUMBER 6


GEO LOCATION
Connecting City: Attleboro
State: Massachusetts
Country: United States
Timezone: America/New_York
Area Code: 508
Longitude: -71.2943
Latitude: 41.9395
ISP DATA
ISP: Comcast Cable
Hostname: hsd1.ma.comcast.net
Last Time IP: 24.60.206.102
Computer ID: aab795d23429297c35a5ea632da3d3da

SAFARI IFONE 6

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MORON NUMBER 7

GEO LOCATION
Connecting City: Concord
State: North Carolina
Country: United States
Timezone: America/New_York
Area Code: 704
Longitude: -80.5795
Latitude: 35.4087
ISP DATA
ISP: Cellco Partnership DBA Verizon Wireless
Hostname: 5.sub-174-228-64.myvzw.com
Last Time IP: 174.228.64.5
Computer ID: d8dc0c59e7cc60308731ba429f509a2c

safari ios 6

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dont you EVER think of threatening me. that will be the biggest mistake of your life.

and this ends part 1 of exposing every single person who’s reading sux’s blog posts on socially unattractive. this was the biggest mistake of your life.  notice how ive gotten to new england?  to quote some god awful 70’s crooner, its only just begun.

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