waiting for my real life to begin

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walking in my old fool steps once again, and you say just be here now, forget about the past the mask is wearing thin. just let me throw one more dice, i know that i can win, im waiting for my real life to begin.  any minute now, my ship is coming in, i’ll keep checking the horizon, not check my machine, its sure to be that cold, it’ll happen soon soon oh so very soon, its just the times a leanin, and you’ll say be still my love, open up your heart, let the light shine in. dont you understand oh i already have a plan, im waiting for my real life to begin.

oh how i love colin hay gentle readers and if you dont, well somethin must be wrong with you.  ok just kiddin lol.  i liked men at work back in teh 80’s – a full decade of music i generally despised, but colin hay- well i just really liked.  his music reached me and if you want to reach me, find music that touches me.  the dead do that in spades.  this particular lyric really works it – because im still, waiting for my real life to begin. even at 47, im waiting for my real life to begin.  i think every bipolar sufferer can relate to that. we’re ok, i am, stuck in a spacewarp that i just can not find my way home from (thank you traffic).  but this lyric could be a discussion between the love of my life and me talking to each other.  i honestly dont know what i’d do without my old man. he grounds me the best that he’s able. hes my rock, my sanity and the man that i love who puts up with me.  im very lucky to have him and oh holy shit not this tune – somewhere over the rainbow/what a wonderful world by israel IZ kamakawiwo’ole.  my sister sent this to me when my dad passed away and it makes me cry, still after the last 2 years.  see – thats what i love yet hate about music. it touches me so deeply that it raises me up to the outer limits and also drags me to the depths of despair.  i miss my dad so much.  ahh teh chaos of my mind…  the meds dont calm it down all the time.  i should have known this tune would be on the colin hay channel on pandora.

open up your heart, let the love shine in.  dont you know how hard it is to let go and be vulnerable?  id rather jump into a box full of poisonous snakes than be vulnerable.  listen to nails down a chalkboard. (thankfully i cant hear too well lol).  i wish to god i didnt break all those years ago. i wish my demons had stayed in the locked box where i had banished them many years ago.  i wish i had let them kill me.  i was much harder then.  my walls were miles thick – until i met my husband and i let myself get soft.  i should have known that when i let go of the walls, they’d come tumbling down and i’d be left in the ashes of my life and back in therapy after destroying everything that meant anything to me. heavily medicated and not liking it.  being numb legally sucks.  being numb illegally is much more fun lol.  i hate being bipolar. i hate it so much. i cant control my moods.  manic is my daily life – i have hte energy to get thru the day and then the insomnia so i cant come down and get any rem sleep. but my bipolar is cursed with crushing lows where i’ll not go quietly into that dark night, i hit rock bottom, dig down more and decide im taking someone out with me if i cant get out of this black hole i am currently residing in.  its a hell that my family doesnt understand. its frightening in its intensity.  the lonliness and despair are crushing.  my beloved hides things when i crash.  funny but i cant find a knife at that time.  cant cook with out knives… or find my meds.  hmm.  fortunatly there is some little teeny tiny spark of light in the swirling blackness that is my mind and i know when i need a timeout, and for the first time in my life, i do the right thing rather than try to take myself out.

anytime now, my ship is coming in gentle readers.  or i like to think so. but really, deep down i know its not. my ship sailed away when i was a teenager and threw away every golden opportunity handed to me on a silver platter.  back then i was diagonosed as clinically severally depressed. and i was and my family didnt make it any easier for me, they were part of the problem.  it sucked.  no wonder i used every drug i could get my hand on and do it in excess lol. but man dems was some fun times  lotsa good memories i have alongside of the horrific ones. like climbing in the kitchen window at 2am and falling off the kitchen sink lol and walking over to the family room to let lips in and sneaking up the stairs, only stepping on certain places so they wouldnt squeek.  ha ha, fun times, fun times.  sometimes i wish i had gone to college, but that would have ended up with me dead of an overdose or on a clock tower and a sniper rifle. i HATE school.  more terrible memories of those assholes.  if i had a bucket list, they’d be on it.  see, now here my anger issues come shining thru.  and boy do i have a lot of anger. sigh.

dont you understand, oh i already have a plan, im waiting for my real life to begin…..

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all about me, yes. it. is

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im lifting some of my post (the title as a beginning) gentle readers from a lady who i have the utmost respect for – klonnie, author of the Klonopin Chronicles blog and who also runs, yes, you got it The Klonopin Chronicals on facebook.  I have her blog listed down below on my blog roll as it is one of my favorite blogs and im a huge fan of her facebook page.

Klonnie states on her blog: “Klonopin is mild anti-anxiety medication that my mental illness allows me to enjoy. Well, “enjoy” is a funny word. Taking psychotropic drugs because you need to is kind of a waste of a good buzz. Like actually being sick on a sick day. But I have a blast making fun of everyone and everything. If you have read this far, you will fit right in.”  now while i dont take klonopin (i had a  bad reaction to it which was hysterically funny, i totally agree with what she says.)  i take xanax, a drug that i am totally terrified of due to its addiction potential, and i take it only when i absolutely have to, like when i have to go to wallyworld or if i absolutely have to go to wegmans (if you’ve been following my blog, you know why).  Klonnie and i share a particular illness known as bipolar, or rapid cycling bipolar disorder. but i also suffer from anxiety/panic disorder and ptsd.  but as klonnie said lol taking psychotropic drugs because you need to is kind of a waste of a good buzz. and yes like being sick on a sick day.  but i have to take it or things get bad for me.

now i once had a friend who insisted in being told EXACTLY what i was taking when i finally broke down emotionally and when i refused to give her the information she thought she had the right to have, she accused me of “being in it for the dope”.  now you tell me gentle readers, is that an abuse of a friendship or what?  this chick also thought she had the right to know how much our mortgage was. she was one of those people who felt that they had the right to know every little detail in your life.  i dont understand people like that but i also know that she went on to discuss my personal issues with other people so who really cares. she’ll lie to get the info she wants and she’ll lie to make herself look better to others.  *shrugs* its one of those things you have to deal with when you’re bipolar and have/had ignorant friends.

i also take other meds that allow me to almost function like a quasinormal person. as someone who is also an insomniac – one of those meds is an antipsychotic which allows me to sleep at night as well as not kill people lol.  i know in texas, the defense they needed killin is probably valid, so mebbe i ought to move to texas and stop taking that particular med. so i wont sleep, but then the psychotic personality will get out of control and well, <seg>.  but so help me glod, if you call me in the middle of the night – someone better be fucking dead.  but lets not forget my antidepressant that i take daily and the meds from my neuro for my debilitating migraines.  if you suffer from them like i do (ive been known to pull over on my way to work and puke) talk to your doc and take topamax – and its generic now!!!   my doc was able to get me samples of my antipsychotic that was just removed from the formulary.  i left the bag in the truck cause i forgot about it.  asshole brought it in and accusations flew.  what a wonderful support system i have eh?

but all that being said lol i have a patch on my vest:  heavily sedated for your protection.  i laugh at it with others, but i know that its true.  and im struggling.  struggling to make it out of the crash im in now.  you see – bipolar disorder is a dual action game.  i can soar high, be hysterically funny, almost normal, whatever that is, have no problems leaving the house and getting things done. but with the soaring highs come the crashing lows where if i had the ways and means i would not be here now.  and its not the fall that hurts you. its the sudden stop and you have no idea just how low it gets.  leaving the house becomes problematical, being an actual productive citizen – yeah fucking right. i hate everyone and every thing and hate myself even more with a violence of a thousand glaring suns.  sounds like fun doesnt it?  and like only a few know, so long as im talking about it, no one has to worry. its when i stop talking about it….  no ones noticed that ive been giving away slowly my most valued posessions. see -im that good. and only here im talking about it and the best part – no one will notice. or care. i put up a pic on my facebook – one of those family is not just blood or something like that and sent it to my sisters with the caption i know who my family is and defriended them.  dont think they noticed.  but i know who my family really is.  called one sis and got the distinct impression she didnt want to talk to me.  other sister doesnt return calls or emails.  fuck them both.  i was happier when they werent in my life and like i stated yesterday i wish to fucking glod that phone call was not made at christmas.  i wish that with all my being.  every.damn.day i wish that call wasnt made.  every fucking dog damn day.  i dont want to be here.

you see, yes, it is all about me. and if you dont like it, dont pick up the phone, send an email or text – just dont. i dont need it, im having a hard enough time as it is and i dont want your fake sympathy or care. and the best part – my old man wont read my blog….. i doubt he ever has.  *snorts*

And Klonnie – this one’s for you.  thank you for being there!

kamakazi from the hundredth floor swan dive to the street

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that gentle readers is what crashing from a bipolar perspective feels like. fun aint it? but hey, its uncle ted so i can have that to think of right???  i mean really isnt this:

 one of the finest pieces of eye candy or specimens of manhood you’ve ever seen?  sweet jezus… it makes me weak kneed even sitting down lol.  my beloved wont let me put a poster of ted in a loincloth over the bed.  creep.  but he did put my daughters poster of johnny depp as captain jack sparrow up in our room.  mmm tasty.

but i’ve been struggling over the last several days, or perhaps week. ( hmm maybe i ought to resize that pic of ted to seriously large). the year anniversary of pop was sucky even though i knew it was coming. perhaps this crash is the result of that, perhaps not. for the love of god, im having a hard time just typing anymore. *looks at hands* what the fuck is wrong with you???  but the musics quiet again which is a telltale sign of the crash. my graymatter is a living jukebox. i’ve always got a tune playing so when the musics gone the voices are back and i dont particularly care for that.  it would be different if they were like sleeptalkinman, then i could laugh about it but i am not blessed with that particular gift of gab.

its t-2 to move day. a day im dreading and looking forward to with all my being.  we’re finally getting out of this place and into life (ie no more sliding down my hill in the winter).  but im so damned sick and tired of boxing up everything in the house, throwing stuff out that we dont need anymore.  i am constantly amazed at how much crap  we’ve accumulated in 8 years lol.  but best of all, i found a place that shreds documents so i can take all those files from 8,7,6,5 years ago and get rid of them.  no use keeping that crap around!  i do admit, i’ll miss living in the woods but im liking where we’re going much better.  all that being said, perhaps the moving is causing some of the crash. i dont do change well.

i do enjoy however wandering thru wordpresses freshly pressed and discovering new blogs.  eggtons is awesome, childhood relived is hysterical.  looser or not is black humor par excellence, iamnotdefined is wonderful for advice.  the scrumptious pumpkin has great recipes and there are several more i really like but cant remember (typical for me) and im not finding them in my email, crap!  i would really like to get to know some of these bloggers someday, because they are funny, write well and i see some of myself in them.  i like that and i can learn much from them! 🙂

i do want to change up my blog a bit. i think im going to re-arrange my favorites a bit. put them in categories that makes them easier for visitors to navigate! like food, funny, art – that kind of stuff.  ive been trying to toy with my links but its not doing what i want the technological bitch. but… i need first to get a shower and go to the store and get a can of fruit, i feel a cake coming on. im out of boxes so what the hell, its dump cake time!

and on that note gentle readers, gimme a couple of hours and then come over for dump cake! it’ll be party time!  and those who know me best know i love nothing better than a good party <seg>

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