well gentle readers, i’ve come out of the closet so to speak. i posted a comment on a blog i just started to follow (its heartbreaking, uplifting, agonizingly painful yet full of hope and awesome) that i found from another blog i follow that is in so many ways much the same and rather than using my normal nic, i posted as sociallyunattractive.  hows that for putting yourself out there?  am i ready for it? oh hell no.  why did i do it? i have no clue.  maybe its a way to force myself to write more. it is cathartic.

secrets stolen from deep inside. huh. i wish someone would steal the secrets from deep inside. most of them i talk about with my shrinker and due to the nutcase, i will not reveal here but still, the memories remain like painful open wounds that will never heal, no matter how hard i try to close them up and relegate them into the darkest closet in the back of my mind.  and like secrets stolen, the drum beats out of time so that you can not get your footing, you are unsteady, constantly tripping on your feet – never sure of which direction to go, or if the memory(ies) will stop ripping you to shreds this year and if the nightmares will stop. maybe. who am i kidding, they never do.

hmm. this isnt all that bad new england clam chowder.  i like new england clam chowder.

i wish life was a tidy melody on the level of celtic folk music by fairport convention or perhaps traffic’s john barleycorn must die. or even early jethro tull.  a minstrels flute whistling high and low, weaving out a melody in and around the guitars gentle song.  its a heady brew to  lift you up into the clouds and to gently carry you back into the earth, your heart bursting with song.  but life does not work that way gentle readers. life fucks you up, kicks you around and screws with your head. and – you make plans, God laughs.  aint that grand?

hmm. i sat on this post two days cause i was tired when i got home from work.  kinda needed the naps as well – my neck and arm aching and today, the neck, arm and head aching.  and i still dont know where i want to go.  my beloved larry died on me and was just towed to the garage.  i got to work yesterday and as soon as i pulled into the parking lot, she abruptly died on me. uh oh. not good. i turned the key to start her up, and she started right up praise God. i pulled into my parking spot relieved but the nagging voice in my head was whispering uh oh.  later yesterday morning, i sent my beloved a text telling him what happened and my beloved butthead called me. im sure ive told him several times i can not get phone calls at work unless someone is dying or gushing blood lol. i fortunatly was in the back so i was ok in taking the call because i knew why he was calling me.  we discussed larry and he told me he thought it was in the electrics. me, not being a car chick didnt really care, i was more worried about making it home.

so.. on my way home, i got on the route i take and no more than 5 minutes home, larry bucked on me. hmm interesting.  but we made it home ok and im happy.  beloved gets home and starts working on the car, not being a car guy that he is.  he does know some things and has an instinctive knowledge of stuff.  he did manage to recreate the incident and after that, larry refused to start, again. and not start again. so we call the garage to let them know whats happening and we’re having larry towed.  the tow just got her bout 10 minutes ago. so i get to drive his truck to work and best of all, I GET TO HAVE MUSIC!!!! finally, i get to listen to music on my way to work. you see, larry’s radio does not work on a consistent basis. being the musicphile that i am, i do not function well with no music. fortunately i have the gray matter jukebox but that sadly does not function like it used to. but i get to listen to music on my way to work again. what we’re dreading is whats it going to cost to get larry out of hock.  sigh.

huh lindsay lohan looks like she stoned during her interview with matt lauer lol. shes my favorite train wreck and i think she’ll be the next whitey houston.  its sad but i think its true. *shrugs* opinions are like assholes. everyone has one and this is just mine. and my drum is still beating out of time and i dont know how to get the cadence back into time. this last year was so awful and it seems like this year is starting to look like its starting out like last year, with the passing of a friend.  huh. time after time.

time after time

time after time

i just wish it would go away.