i need serenity

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well gentle readers, its been a little longer than i would have liked (yes, i know i can go a month or two) but so many things have been going on and ive had to deal with death yet again. had a wedding to go to.  my second 29th birthday (i liked the first one so much i decided to stay here).   and, my daughter and her boyfriend stopped by for a visit during the long weekend and informed us (ie asked for toms permission*big happy grin*) that THEY’RE GETTING MARRIED AND….. I SAW MY SON – MY MOST AWESOME SON!

where to begin, where to begin…  lets start with the wedding.  two of the people i love most in the world were getting married on 9/1 down in the outter banks.  id been helping when needed to prep for the wedding (researching wedding vows and services).  i have the gas money stashed away so i don’t have to worry about getting there and back, have a friend of jos to ride with me so tom wouldn’t worry lol – im a tentative yes as a go. then the fone rings. see below and there went all my gas and money.  it broke my heart that i couldn’t be there with the people i love most – but it is typical of my life, i make plans, God in His infinite wisdom, laughs soo…

lets talk about the hurt.  i get a call the friday before last from my ex, his mom has been moved to hospice and her organs are failing – its time.  i told him id google map the directions and would be there as soon as possible.  with tears in my eyes i get the directions and blew out the door.  now understand gentle readers, she was not only my mother in law, she was also “my aunt”.  im sure you think that is kind of strange, but i have known her since i was 10 years old and called her “aunt” my whole life.   i knew my ex’s older and younger brother since then, just never my ex.   till my best friend and i wrecked her car looking at two mighty fine-looking young men walking down the side of the road and his younger brother drove the tow truck lol.

so i blow down the road to the hospital, and see my ex in-laws for the first time in a long time and realized that i missed them very much.  we’ve been estranged for a couple of years due to some of my bipolar issues and they have been my family for all of my life.  my oldest friend preferred to remain estranged (she put her hand up to the side of her face as if to say stay away) and that’s her prerogative and i wont waste my time on it but i felt like i have been welcomed back into the fold and it was very very nice to be able to be around my ex and have it be pleasant and hassle free.  i hated seeing him so unhappy – he told me that when he found out his mom was dying, he remembered how it was when it was my mom passed away – they were close.  but i went in to sit with my aunt and let her know how much she meant to me and how much i loved her and that it was ok to let go = there was nothing to be afraid of, she was going home.  i believe in my heart of hearts that she heard me.  i went back out to the hospices general area and caught up with everyone – all my kids have grown up and are getting married, having kids of their own – it was surreal in a strange way.  my ex and i went out to smoke and talk and when we got back, his brother said its time.  everyone all but ran into the room — the silence was tense and palpable and god bless holly, she broke the silence and got us all talking and reminiscing about gram, mom and aunt.  i will never forget pulling into the driveway to see her hip deep rebuilding a motor lol.  we all were laughing and talking knowing she heard us all around her sending her off with joy and happiness.  but when she finally let go, seeing my aunt jean and amy heartbroken destroyed me.  seeing my ex with tears in his eyes broke my heart.  a large part of my heart and life left with her.  i texted both of my kids that their gram had passed away and that their dad needed them and to stick close to him.  im not needed then and let aunt jean know im a phone call away and seeing the sadness in her eyes was more than i could bear, so homeward bound i was.

i hate DEATH.  i hate it so much. its been in my life entirely too much the last 2 years.  im sick of the calls, the texts, the hospital and hospice visits, the visitations and memorials. the loss and pain.  the emptiness that feels like it will never end.  so… my ex texts me the details of the arrangements, the funeral home and visitation/memorial and naturally (sometimes i think they do things like this to me on purpose lmsao) on my birthday.  my second 29th birthday.  my ex was flying our son up and i was looking forward to seeing him.  so the morning of the service, my birthday, i wake up sick as hell starting around 4.30am sick as hell.  i am not sure if im going to make the service and let my ex and son know.  i was going to however see my son if i have to go to my ex’s, ima move mountains and touch the sun if thats what it takes to see my son.  he sounded disappointed on his text (if you can sound anything via text lol) but dammitall i. will. see. my. son. about 10.30/11am i think im feeling like i can make it to the luncheon, buzzed my ex to find out where it is and off i went. only had a couple of pit stops but im going to see my son.  i finally make it to the church and naturally it was about over (its how i roll) but i walk in – and there is my son standing next to his sister and fiance.  i just stood there watching him, absorbing everything i could about him with a mothers pride.  then i walked up to them so happy to have my kids together next to me.  we had a few minutes to chat and i had my picture taken with both my kids – i was thrilled.  but then it was time for everyone to leave and as we were walking away, my son turned around and said Bye Mom – and i turned around – he was looking back and i hollered bye son I Love You!  i miss him so much.  he sent me a text while i was driving home and i don’t use my fone while im driving so i had to wait till i got to a light where i could read it (ive locked the text in my fone) and the pictures – and there is my son – not smiling lol.  i sent back would it kill you to smile in the pictures???  and he sent back “lol alrighty”.   but i got my birthday wish, something i’ve kept close to my heart, i saw my son – and had both my kids together on my birthday – even though it was a sad occasion.

so lets jump back to the weekend before, the long weekend.  we weren’t doing anything except just enjoying our weekend together as there is nothing i like better than waking up next to my beloved.  we catch up with the shows we record during the week, mebbe go food shopping – found a new wallyworld (where i dont feel like shooting everyone, but i still have my social anxiety) and schlep.  sunday was our (ok mine) schelppin day. it was overcast and muggy and i had no intention of getting dressed.  that’s a schleppin day – you just wash your face, brush your teeth and hair, get your make up on and stay comfy on the couch.  then the text message tone rings out thru the house. its my minime, wondering what we’re doing.  i sent back schleppin, why?  she said they were in the area and wanted to know if they could stop by.  i said im schleppin but id get my glad rags on and they can stop over any time they would like.   i always enjoy it when my kids stop by (i consider her boyfriend one of my kids lol).  shortly thereafter, they pull in and we’re happy and catching up and im not quite sure how it all went down now (too much excitement lol) and her boyfriend looked at tom and i and at tom and said i would like your permission to ask your daughter to marry me.

my beloveds face lit up and he said YES, my beautiful daughter and her fiance’s faces were glowing and she pulled out her hand with her engagement ring and all i could do was repeat MY BABY with my hand to my mouth and i got up and picked her up and just hugged her saying my baby.  i am not sure how i managed not to cry lol but my heart was so big it was bout ready to burst.  after i finally let minime go, i grabbed her fiance and gave him a big hug and welcomed him to the family/asylum.  huh – im crying with happiness as im writing this.  i am gaining a wonderful son-in-law – the two of them are great together – he is very good for my daughter and i would bet dollars to donuts she is the same for him. they balance each other.  i told them they will be the power couple of the decade.  i was then sworn to secrecy until the family was told.  daughter mine – you have no idea how hard it was to hold onto the secret of the century – however…. i did tell my 3 dearest girlfriends and an entire biker forum and swore them all to silence – i couldn’t hold it in lol.  i was slightly surprised that neither of my sisters contacted me but hey – that’s how my family rolls.  it’s all good.  now i get to look for mother of the bride dresses and help my beauty in any way she would like in planning her wedding!!!!!

ok – im not quite sure where im at right now – ive covered DEATH, seeing my son, the big announcement, being unable to go to my dear friends wedding, hmm… ah yes, my second 29th birthday lol.  my beloved worked that morning and brought me home a great birthday card from him – and a sweet one from one of his coworkers that we all love (and he’s supposed to give him a big hug from me).  my birthday was on saturday which allowed us to have a rest and recovery day on sunday lol.  i think it was around 5 or 6 that i looked at my beloved and said – wanna go out now rather than later?  sure – lets roll.  we get to the maple and the drunken debauchery begins with a double cap’n and coke….. there was the birthday flaming homo shot (bar birthday shot), several doubles and a shot of tellamore dew (not enough ooooooohs in smooth to describe it) and the jukebox finally went silent lol.  out came my $5 and i all but ran to the box to play real music.  patti and pixie were there (my homegirls – jenattixie town) and we had a blast. i am not quite sure what time we left – i was feelin no pain lol.  hell, i don’t even remember going to bed *chortling*.  i do however, remember with exquisite clarity waking up. and wanting a nap. i was able after a few cups of coffee to make a ham and swiss omelette and following that, curling up on the love seat (a small couch for those of you who don’t know what that is) unable to stretch out (which really sucked because my legs are as long as the damn couch) and finally, taking my much-needed nap.  woke up a couple of hours later, wondering when i could squeeze in my second nap lol.  i have reached the age when it takes at least a day to recover from a night of drinking – but preferably two…

so – where does i need serenity fit in?  ive had my kid rock disc on high rotation (basically because i keep forgetting to bring my other discs out to the truck) and godsmacks serenity is on it and has been in the back of my mind since my mother in law passed away. – i find it to be very soothing and well hell, i just love sully.  yet it means a lot to me as well – i need serenity in the chaos of my mind, but i cant find it.

i need serenity…

the silicon switch inside her head

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gets switched to over load gentle readers. and no, that does not mean im going to go postal on a clock tower with a high powered sniper rifle, it means right now im getting a helluva headache and that particular lyric is on high rotation.  holy crap – there is nothing like this particular pain – its a stabbing pain between the eyebrows but hitting right behind the top of my left eye.  thats not mentioning the dull ache in the back of my head and temples.  it literally felt like a switch was flipped in my head, it hit me out of nowhere.

ive got the drapes pulled closed as when this happenes, darkeness is perferable as light is like a light saber to the bwain. stabbing pain thru the eyes and i have my shades on over my glasses.  i have no idea what i have done to instigate this one.  as im am out of my painkiller, im going to fake it till i make it with tylenol migraine. i hate tylenol but since excedrine has been pulled from the shelves, you  do what you gotta do.

and a good morning to you gentle readers.  i managed with a little help from my friends to sleep most of  that damn headache off, get most of my chores done and get the pezzinator all cleans up.  and he is now sitting over there (points to the left) looking at me with that quizzical look and leaning just a little to the left that says c’mon mom, let me out!  but no fuzz, you’re still damp and i dont want him to get dirty again.  he’s almost completely white again cept for the slightly tan spots on his butt lol. oh dear Lord, one answer was “chill with God” on family feud’s question what would you do when you go to heaven.  and no, that was not the first answer.  number 1 was sleep.  number 6 i think, was “boink”. yes gentle readers, that was the exact answer, 4 people think they would “boink” when they get to heaven.  and i am sitting here with my head in one hand wondering what on glods green earth do people think anymore.  but who am i to wonder why.

so i get a text from my ex this morning.  his mom, my ex mother in law but more importantly, my aunt janet, has been given 3 to 6 months and is expected to be sent home to hospice.   he told me out of respect and i was actually surprised by that (im the black sheep of that side of the family, married to the golden child and everything was my fault, he could do no wrong but everything was actually his fault, he lied like a rug, he stole money from me and others, destroyed some treasured gifts my sister sent me for christmas but thats not important now but it felt good to say it).  i asked him if i would be welcome/allowed at the hospice as she is my aunt janet and i’ve loved her about all my life.  he said he’d get back to me, he was at work.  i would truly hope that side of the family can put their issues with me aside and remember that i love her just as much and am just as affected.  this is a large part of my life that is going away.  after that will be aunt jean, and i expect that to be not long after, they have been best friends all my life. its been aunt jean and aunt janet. forever.  but somehow i really doubt they will do that. same with my kids.  learning how to forgive and let go is not something they are  gifted with. any of them.  it took me a while to realize that forgiveness benefits me and allows me to move forward.

that particular friendship had been dead on my end for quite some time but because of my husband, i maintained it until the bitter end.  and i still dont know what i did. but whatever it was, and im sure it was bad, im glad. very very glad. forgiving her allowed me to move forward and allows me to recall our friendship fondly and with smiles.  cause we did have a whole lotta fun! 😀   i will always love my pal al. i just dont have to have her in my life anymore.  and that is when i realized that forgiveness is for me – not them.  the pain of the betrayal (that i had always suspected) was finally lifted.  how she can maintain a friendship with my daughter is beyond me lol but thats pal and i wouldnt have her any other way. *grinning*

same with my stalker.  we were friends.  now i honestly believe she has no idea what friendship is truly about. cause if you do, you dont stab a friend in the back over absolutely nothing then purchase personal and confidential info on them and publish it on a public blog (and send invites to hundreds) and spend years trying to humiliate me online (didnt work, im still allowed on the site, she’s permantly banned).  ive been able to marginalize her for the most part, i have very good contacts, but when she threatened my husband and kids, a few times, my gloves came off.  hence me protecting Socially Unattractive.  i truly believe she has serious mental issues, enough to make me look like a saint, and enough that i believe she desperatly needs to be committed. to publicaly threaten my husband and kids – people she doesnt know?  really??  just not a wise idea.  not a wise idea at all.  for all that im a rather easy going Jesus lovin deadhead, do not EVER threaten my family. its just not a wise idea.  but even so, i will always care for her, despite how badly she fucked up the friendship. ive forgiven her.  doesnt mean i wont take care of business when i have to, but i do forgive her.  because i truly believe she knows not what she does.  she maintains friendships with 2 other people solely because they are terrified that what she did to me, she will do to them if they attempt to break off the relationship.  ladies – quadeloupe, vanessa (dolly and sassy) – just do it, and get it over with.  that way, she will be totally marginalized on delphi with only insanejane for company.  what more could you possibly ask for??  she is the most hated poster on the boards as everyone knows.

and on that note, ive been wandering thru the wayback machine from hell. seeing names i hadnt thought of in years didnt do me a whole helluva lot of good.  depressed the hell out of me which pissed me off because why should it depress me again and that pissed me off too. that i got depressed, again and pissed off.  i thought i had all that pain dead and buried and guess what – i was WRONG. deathly wrong.  wounds i thought had healed (yeah, right) opened back up.  luckily i saw my shrink pretty close to it but still – its like a spector haunting me.  glod i hated those people and the damage they did to me.  i never would have thought i would ever see them again much less think all that hurt would resurface. i was wrong.  again.  where’s my vodka????

sigh. i really have no song to leave you with. perhaps dylans positively 4th street? hmmm.  yeah, i think i”l go with that – it fits. for the most part.

somewhere over the rainbow way up high

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some day i wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.  today is one of those days i wish i could have woken up with the clouds far behind me.  it was a year ago today that my pop passed away.  it hurts so much.  which is kind of funny considering pop and i had a love / hate relationship lol.  and its kind of funny im sitting here writing about my dad, listening to Somewhere Over the Rainbow – Israel Kamakawiwo’Ole and crying. why? cause i miss my dad.  who’d have thunk it? *wry grin*

i knew this day was coming for a while (but i had to ask my sister just what day it was that pop passed away because i do not remember this time last year at all) and it seemed the closer it got, well hell, the worser i got.  yes worser. i don’t care that its not a word, it is to me today. so raspberries to you. i could feel the sadness creeping closer day by day, the panic and anxiety, no matter how hard i tried to push it back it just wouldn’t budge. and above it all, the love i had for my dad despite our issues just couldn’t drive the pain away. its been 17 years since mom went home and thats a dull ache now but i dread the end of june nonetheless.  maybe that will eventually happen with pop.

this last year was a year of firsts.  our first fathers day without dad – that REALLY sucked.  memorial day, fourth of july, labor day, his birthday (that was really hard), thanksgiving christmas and new years.  those were particularly bad as pop always came to our home for dinner.  lol i have a pic of pop sleeping on the couch with kilo sound asleep beside him.  pop and tom always passed out after dinner.  and now i wont have that anymore and it still makes me sad and hurts.

i got the text a couple weeks ago from my sister that his cat Bach passed away.  i know pop is happy now though, he’s got both his babies with him.  coclet passed away several years ago. that was the first time i saw my dad cry in lord, 30 years? he was heart broken, he had planned on going out with coclet.  he brought coclet to tom and i so we could bury him and he was totally destroyed.  coclets grave is out back.  every time pop came over, he went over to coclets headstone and talked to him for a few minutes before coming in. pop loved animals. there was never any doubt about that.  when i was a little girl, he found a bunny on the side of the road that was injured.  he somehow picked it up, brought it home and took it to the vet the next day.  whatever happened to it i don’t remember, but that was my dad.  my dogs absolutely ADORED pop. now they bark at EVERYTHING that comes down the driveway, especially pez , and that stupid little dog barks at leaves, but when pops car pulled into the driveway – they ran to the window and started dancing, they KNEW pop pop was here and had treats for them. not a single bark came out of their mouths, but the happy whines – pop pop’s here, pop pop’s here!!!

when i first started socially unattractive a couple of years ago, i wrote a tribute to my dad. then made him read it lol. he always told me when i was growing up that i should be a writer, how all my teachers thought i should be a writer, blah blah blah.  but i once took a class on writing and we had to write a short story and the teacher, a published author actually told me i should write but partying took first place in my life lol.  but i wrote about my dad, how he was an awesome dad despite being such a bastard.  i wrote about how he would stock my sisters and i up with goodies for mischief night with instructions on which house to hit and when we came back empty handed, he went out and got more eggs and toilet paper lol.  how alix and i wanted a bottle of rum and he went out and got it.  at least i think i remember that – i do remember al and i riding to delaware in the back of a pick up to get a bottle and damn that was a cold night lmsao.   but pop read what i wrote, thanked me for it and told me he loved me.  that is a rarity.

naturally pop and i spent years at loggerheads with each other.  pop, a 3 figure iq attorney who actually did know it all, and me, a hippie born 15 years too late desperate to do things my way and get out from under my parents control.  those were some interesting times lol.  see i can laugh at it now! 😉  but then… sigh.  but he did try to encourage my sisters and i in things that we loved.  music is the only thing i love with all my being (my butthead notwithstanding).  so i was going to concerts damn near every weekend for about 4 years.  i knew every shady character at the spectrum on a first name basis lol but those truly are some of the best memories i have.  oh shit – pop taking me to my first concert –  i went alone to styx and he walked me to the door. how fucking embarrassing is that???? lmsao.

then along came the grandkids.  do we really need to go there?  pop was the.quintessential.poppop. the world rose and set on my kids – and then my sisters kids when they finally came along. there was no cost too expensive, nothing that was out of his reach for them.  *chuckling* my dad taught my kids from an early age how to sign a chit at aronomink. well hell, he did that with us when we were growing up.  we learned to swim there in the 70’s and my kids learned to swim there in the 90’s/00’s.  i have happy memories of the club and the bad bear button <seg>.  i can only hope my kids have the same. i rarely went there with them when pop took them – tattoo’s generally were frowned upon… but then again, i never liked to infringe on pop’s time with the kids. the only times we did were the annual pop trips to great adventure or hershey park. those were some fun times, just like they were when we were kids.  i am so glad though that pop got to watch my kids grow up. but it makes me sad though that my kids now have an empty spot in their lives where pop was in their heart.  they dont remember gram and how she worshiped them and the ground they learned to walk on. but i do. my mom loved those two so very much. so i told minime this morning to think happy thoughts for pop pop today and that he would be looking down on her and her brother, beaming with pride and love.  he will always be with them.

and maybe me.  i miss you so much dad. but i love you more.

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