gonna be mia for a short while

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more than usual since the last post gentle readers lol. im in the process of switching internet providers and there will be a delay while the new equipment gets here.

i am going to go thru withdraw i know it. i can get online with my droid but still. i cant see the damn thing, even with my glasses. yes, i am that old. i might have to hijack my buds new laptop…

so, until we meet again, i might actually have the post i’ve been working on ready for publication! well dayum, wouldnt that be nice LOL. its only been about 4 weeks but the muse is coming and going and i cant catch her when she’s here. bitch.

so gentle readers, until we meet again – i bid you a fond adieu, dont do anything that i wouldnt do.

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are stop signs with white lines around them optional?

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this is a question i have pondered for years, almost 47 (chronological if you must know) years to be exact, but in real people years, oh say 30ish when my old best friend ick got his drivers licence <seg>.  i remember a bunch of us driving around and someone, maybe me, telling him yo ick, didnt you know, stop signs with white lines around them are optional?  no way!  yes way – lets ride!

it was about oh say 6 or 7 stop signs blown off when he realized that every stop sign has that ubiquitous white line around them and he got pissed!  what would have happened if i got stopped for blowing off a stop sign.  i told him dude – the cop would have laughed at you for being so stupid for listening to us and we would have paid your fine!  fast forward to a few years ago when i was teaching my son to drive. oh sweet jesus.  boy is a good driver, but having him turn into the local turkey hill convenience store from rt 322 at mach 10 when the lot was FULL was a white knuckle experience for me and im hollering (quietly) boy slow down, boy slow the fuck down please!  when i mean this particular lot was full is an understatement. there were lines at the gas pump, every space in front of the store were full and trucks were parked on the side of the lot.  yes, my knuckles were white and my panic level was on overdrive.  but i quietly reminded him, after my breathing returned to something back to normal was that you never ever pull into a convenience store at mach 10.  we still laugh at that!

but i also passed on the advice of years gone by – manchild, stop signs with white lines around them are optional honey.  m’boy is a little wiser than we were back as teenagers (ok, we were wasted lol) and it took him only 3 stop signs before he said, suspiciously, mom, EVERY STOP SIGN HAS A WHITE LINE AROUND IT!  i told him you’re a good kid and very observant and then told him the story of days gone by.  he said ya’ll were pretty damn dumb werent you?  busted.

but here i am, all those years gone by and i wonder. are stop signs with white lines really optional?  i leave for work at dark thirty.  there’s no one on the road when i split for work (which is absolutely wonderful, i HATE rush hour, i HATE people). im actually going west rather than east and am driving down one of the prettiest roads ive ever been blessed to drive/ride down (boy i miss our bike). but when i leave home at dark thirty, i have a stop sign at the end of our road.  aint no one around – dare i stop for the required count to 3 or just look both ways as im approaching the sign and ease on down, ease on down the road?   i say required count to three as the *snort* boys in blue (bad cop no donut) will nail you for a california stop if you do not come to a complete stop.  trust me, they got my beloved and i one time right after i told him come to a complete stop honey. did he listen? no. dumbass.  but the cop let us go as we were on a new home hunt.  more on that horrific episode later – shuddering with the ickies -= man that was gross.

perhaps i should have titled this entry as fun with driving or episodes with driving or bad drivers.  i have one ok, several bad driving stories that are just too funny (to me).  stepping back into the wayback machine into the days of yore, we had a friend who was the quintessential blonde – white blonde, incredibly blue eyes but dumb as a fox.  this chick could walk into a party and walk out with more dope than she came in with and had no money. but…. she simply could not drive.  i dont mean she just was an inexperienced diver, this chick owned several telephone poles and totaled her cars like no one i can remember.  i remember her taking ick to downtown philly to pick up some speakers for his stereo.  during their trip around broadstreet, he jumped out of the car with speakers and took off running. there was no way he was riding home with her.  then she drove me, my bestest bud in the world and a guy with connections to go cop a sheet.  we made it to villanova, all of us white knuckling it and with bile in the back of our throats.  we made the deal and got back into the car and the ride home was easily one of the most horrifying rides of my life.  at one point we were begging her to let us out of the car (she had the locks locked so we couldnt get out) and told us i brought you here, i’m taking you home.  i swear – hand to heart, i saw a black man turn white. im sure i was fluorescent white myself.  never ever again.  not long after that, i was walking to icks house and she pulled up and offered me a ride.  i told her no, im enjoying the walk and the sun. there was not a snowballs chance in hell that id get into a car with her even for 3 blocks.  sigh.

but here i am, living in the country (finally, i really hate people and need my fresh air, and at this time of the year, the mini moo’s, baby baa’s – the circle of life starting up again) and when its still dark out in the morning – why on gods green earth should i stop for a stop sign when there is no one anywhere near me?  if i even think i see a headlight, which never happens, i will come to a complete stop cause its the right thing to do. but if there isnt any oncoming lights – that sign is optional.  now traffic lights, whatever time it is are NEVER optional cause i know where 50 hang out.  but what i found to be extremely hilarious this morning was…. as i was riding down 340 i happened to catch a shetland pony trotting across the amish farms front yard.  no, said pony was not in his pen, he was out for a stroll.  he actually looked to be happy about it as well.  i wonder though, had i been 30 seconds earlier, would i have caught him in the road in front of me?  only the shadow knows.

however, today was a crappy day at work.  writing is making the shitty day fade. being socially unattractive im not going to apologize for working with little puerto rico and being the only white chick on the morning shift.  and fuck you if you dont like it. im not here to be liked all the time.  i have customers complain about the spanish constantly being spoken back in the drive thru/sandwhich station which i am not allowed anywhere near. i run the front counter and i run it well and i am not allowed to leave the front counter.  i get compliments right and left, and i make each customer feel welcome and compliment each customer on something they’re wearing or some such thing.  the spanish is bothering me as well. its making me get to the point of looking for another job despite my incredibly awesome customers.  im the only one who gets consistent excellent customer reviews sent in. it got to the point today that i told my boss to have our “new” shift manager get off my back because i know how to do my job and i do it well.  for instance – i took $15 out cause i needed a roll of quarters and dimes.  i put it far enough back on the counter so no one could lift it and when i get a free second, i go back and get my quarters and dimes.  apparently this bothered our new shift manager who told me that i am to give it to her.  i told her this is how i do it, this is how i always have done it because i never have anyone to depend on so i do it myself.  i have a feeling that she and i are going to have a come to jesus meeting soon.  but before i left, i gave her the dilly0 on what to expect this weekend.

there is a quilting convention and they will be busy.  she is going to have to take the extra coffee pot from drive thru and ignore their whining because walk ins will out number drive thrus until we get new pots in.  i had asked bossman if i could take the extra coffee pot from drive thru and he said so long as they arent using it and i told him bud – they’ll whine and cry about it and you need to do something about that cause im sick of it. in 2 to 3 months, my walk ins will out number drive thrus 6 to 2.  i dunno.  but i do know im calling the big boss and see if i can transfer to a closer store.  im done working in little puerto rico as i find the constant spanish discussions ignorant. and i am so sick of the whining of the spaninsh kids. they are the laziest tan kids i have ever met.  half the time my orders are ignored and my customers half to wait an incredibly long time which is unacceptable.  ive got seniority and one of them seems to think she runs the shop. sorry bitch, i got some news for you…

hmmmmm who should i piss off next????  so many people, so many assholes, so little time… <seg> like thats ever stopped me before! 😉

The childrens bible, seriously i dont make this stuff up

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gentle readers, i dont make this stuff up. i got this from a good solid Christian friend of mine who has a sense of humor lol. all i can say is, out of the mouths of babes… 😉 it certainly had me laughing!

Judas Asparagus
If you need a laugh today, then this should do it!

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching??? Through the eyes of a child:

The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbour’s stuff..Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humour thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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