whats the right thing, whats the right song, the right words

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to tell your son HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! specially when he’s turned 20 and you’ve exhausted skynyrds simple man and aw crap, that awesome cover by the band whos name i just cant remember right now but i LOVE the cover band and no. im not going there with the beatles. that is beyond exhausted lol.  i dont know much hip hop so i cant use anything there (but mebbe i’ll buzz pedro and see if he knows any hip hop happy birthday tunes lol).

once again, im not with him on his birthday and i’ve hated that for years.  when my kids were growing up, they spent august with my sister in florida.  and part of that vakay was where we would go when we were kids, longboat key.  oh how i miss that place,  but i can close my eyes and on the mental movie screen, i can watch the reruns of my young youth, remember some of the pics we had (one of my sister driving my uncle pauls boat is one of the ones i remember clearest – and me, both my sisters and my cousin stuby on the beach with a fish one of us had caught – either my little sis or stuby).  they BOTH loved fishing, my sister still does it as often as she can.  but my sister and my dad made sure my kids had fantastic vacations and something precious to remember.  and i owe at least that much to my sister and my dad.  i can never be able to thank them enough.  but my sons birthday happens to be in august when he was with my sister (and i wont go into the days between, sad sigh). sooooo, i never saw my boy on his birthday which really sucked.  i’d call every year and talk to him, and hear his voice, close my eyes and see those blue eyes of his but….   i wish my sister would make copies of all the pics she has and send them to me.

i think back to when i was pregnant and i took boy to his first concert – gun n roses (one of the ones when axhole actually showed up) and looked down and said: LISTEN UP BOY, IT DONT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS!! and he rolled around in response!  i remember being at my best friends house and seeing my sillohette in the garden rooms window and in a horrified voice – i look like a whale!  2 days later, i went into labor and she took me to the hospital but it was false labor – tuck, your aunt kadiedid almost made it there for your real birthday!  i wish she had been there!  and sho nuff lol, 2 days after she left to go back north, you made your appearance in the world.  i give you serious props bud – 4 hours labor, start to finish, and by the time i wanted the drugs doc said too late, your having the babe.  i said, doc, i dont think you understand. GIVE ME DEMEROL NOW. and doc said, again, no, you’re having the baby!! you showed up shortly after that. au natural.. sigh. 😉

now here you are.  off to college. gone from the house and dammitalltohell you’re sisters gone too and i hate it. i wish you both were here cause i miss you and i miss you and your sister so freaking much i cant stand it.  sure dad and i are enjoying the quiet <seg> but on the same hand, its too quiet, i dont like that emptiness where you once were, i dont like the change.  i wish the parenthood manual came with that disclaimer.  being warned would not have changed anything but then again, maybe being warned would have helped.

doubt it.

it sucks

i miss you so much.

and i still have no song for you on your birthday. im wracking my brains. all im getting is and i have no idea why is tom petty and the heartbreakers “here comes my girl” – you love tom almost as much as i did. probably because i was with that band from damn the torpedos and saw them 4 times lol. lurves me some tp!   the last time i saw tom petty was with your dad and, im on the tom petty site and im fairly certain it was full moon fever tour. before that i saw – damn the torpedos, hard promises and long after dark!  most excellent band!!!

ahh.  i have it.  i will give you something of me, something we both love.  Happy Birthday My Son.  I am so very, very proud of you.

why cant we be friends, why cant we be friends


why cant we be friends, why cant we be friends?  i see you round for a long long time, i really ‘membered you when you drink my wine (or in my case, smoke my spliff gentle readers – because once upon a time i had the money…).  ahh its good to be back up and running after this long long time of being offline with the exception of my droid which is definitely not conducive to posting on a blog. or facebook.  or delphi for that matter.  especially when you need new glasses and the damn screen is really small, to me at least lol.  but gentle readers, im baaaack and feel the need to work a few things out of the gray matter.  why?  because im socially unattractive, thats why. and i dont give a flying fuck. or fuckery fuck fuck fuck.

friends have been on my mind the last couple of days and i woke up with a song in my heart and knew it was time to write but thats not the song im working with right now. that’ll come later <seg>. this one by war crept in and it seemed fitting with where im at and what im trying to process again.  some things just will not go away and thats because there are years and years behind them.  some are only a few years behind them.  some, just a few months but i get confused about the different types of friends i have had and had to deal with over the years. especially the ones that just wont go the fuck away until you are totally emotionally broken, you’ve damaged the two people you love the most and then get a freaking cryptic email from said oldie and think what the fuck is this? and that was the one you tried to end a few years earlier but only apologized because my dear heart said thats your best friend.  um, no, my best friend is in texas (mebbe iowa but i dont remember right now).  but thats your best friend he reiterated.  honey, no. my best friend is in texas and this is a particularly heavy load ive been carrying for too long.   but this particular 150lb monkey on my back who thinks they know everything about everything is finally gone and i do breathe easier.   sometimes i cant believe how much easier i breathe.  i unfortunatly had given this monkey residence in the gray matter and it had taken advantage of it for all those years. but now, i can rest happily in the knowledge that i will no longer be subjected to 4 hour fone calls where i have had to have tom call in and give me a reason to hang up and now a peace in the graymatter where there once was a crass annoyance. one thing however, i have noticed is that the memories i do have of this monkey arent as painful any longer and i can now look back and smile.

whew. growth. who’d have thunk it?

Sometimes I don’t speak too bright, but yet I know what I’m talking about…  there are a few other long time friends that i am in quasi contact with.  i say quasi as we’re just facebook friends now but in many ways, we’re establishing some sort of adult friendships and i find that i like that.  some i meet up with (and some i dont anymore but would like to again and make amends and they know who they are) and i enjoy that time.  we laugh at the “olden days” (shut up brats lol) and marvel at the fact that were we really ever that young? and dumb (depending on what memory we’re talking about – like piling up in the back of someones pickup with a keg and driving out to the resivoir to drink and swim lol). (here’s the kicker, i cant remember the name of the resivouir lol – i see it in my mind, remember it clearly but i have no idea of the name of the resivouir lol) GOT IT – SPRINGTON LAKE!!! (or tell them that stop signs with white lines around them are optional).   those were the days <seg>.

but one thing i didnt realize until recently was the fact that when pop passed away, none of the people i knew from days gone by ever said anything to me, sent condolences – nothing, not my family either, at least not that i clearly remember (i think i blocked it out).  now granted i was not in good shape. my demons had finally broken thru some time before that and damn near killed me and destroyed some relationships with some i love more than life itself.  but the only people who did are the friends i’ve made online over the last 10+ years at delphi.  i think some of those are the people who know me best, the good the bad the ugly – and and they still talk to me.  i think that when my beloved passes on, i know where im going to disappear to.  huh, if i didnt know better, i would swear someone is making deviled eggs nearby.


The color of your skin don’t matter to me, As long as we can live in harmony. friends with a few years upon them, i think we can and do live in harmony, cept my stalker. she blew a good thing.  i may be messed up in the head 5 ways to the moon and back but im the best friend you could ever have and i aint just sayin that. like i saw on one of my favorite blogs – in chess, the queen will always protect the king. i ALWAYS have toms back, am ALWAYS watching over his shoulder -protecting him without him even knowing it but, with me, if we are friends, i WILL take a bullet for you. no questions asked. that is what my friendship is. there are a few i think online who know that about me.  if i call you friend that is what you can expect.  ive made some friends online that i truly believe that even though i havent spoken to them in a couple of years, i could call them up and it would be like we had talked only yesterday, its as if the time hasnt passed by. then there those i can count on one hand that i have never met but feel like sisters and brothers – the family i never had and wished i did. that is a very.short.list. and unhappily, one who i thought was on that list, im beginning to think has left me behind.

there are some friends who tell you, when you get a wild hair and email to say hi, (as you havent talked to them in quite some time and feel shitty for letting the time get away from you because you really cared about these friends once upon a time but its your stupid fault it got away)  “im still here for ya” and a few lines of fluff email response.  you know in your heart of hearts they arent. you’d love to meet up with friend(s) at a bar a hop skip and a jump down the road but it never happens now. but way back then it would have been jumped at to meet up and have a few drinks and listen to the band and laugh all afternoon.  but you know the reason as you pushed those friend(s) away when your demons started waking up with a vengeance.  *shrugs*  but these are the quasi recent friends.  friends you’ve had since the advent of your foray into the internet and subsequent introduction to delphi forums and sadly the current events and happier – the motorcycle forums.  the current events brought me my stalker, but it also brought me some of the ladies i care most about, in real life.  but then i found the biker forums in the motor transport forums (i think) and found the friends of my heart.  the people i love as much as i love my best friend in texas – tom, do you hear me?  my best friend lives in texas lol. tom, im looking at you (points at eyes then to toms eyes then to mine and repeat) im looking at you – my best friend lives in texas!

i just realized that its getting late by my standards (remember, im clinically depressed, rapid cycling bipolar, strong anxiety/panic disorder and an insomniac.  i need my routine and medhead is kicking in a little bit. that means i am slowly losing the ability to think, type much less see lol. look at those pretty lights… 😉 )  sooooo, i have a couple other friends i need to process about. ok, i definitely want to process about.  cause it hurts what has happened and this time, i dont think its my fault.  wow. i never thought i would say that.(look of surprise on face). and some new friends that im thoroughly tickled about.  lol tom came in a little earlier. our neighbors (very young) got married over the weekend.  they’re on their honeymoon. i’ll discuss the last week soon im sure… (ye gads,,,,) yesterday the wedding party came by, put his truck up on blocks and took the front tires and saran wrapped the cab, over oreos and Glod only knows what the house looks like lol.  tom didnt have the heart to ask when he went over to ask what the hells going on lol.  so that will end this journey into the mind of socially attractives take on why cant we be friends part one. there is more to come but i have a crapload of things to do today but the musics still there my gentle readers.

im baaaack….. <seg> miss me?

somewhere over the rainbow way up high

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some day i wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far behind me.  today is one of those days i wish i could have woken up with the clouds far behind me.  it was a year ago today that my pop passed away.  it hurts so much.  which is kind of funny considering pop and i had a love / hate relationship lol.  and its kind of funny im sitting here writing about my dad, listening to Somewhere Over the Rainbow – Israel Kamakawiwo’Ole and crying. why? cause i miss my dad.  who’d have thunk it? *wry grin*

i knew this day was coming for a while (but i had to ask my sister just what day it was that pop passed away because i do not remember this time last year at all) and it seemed the closer it got, well hell, the worser i got.  yes worser. i don’t care that its not a word, it is to me today. so raspberries to you. i could feel the sadness creeping closer day by day, the panic and anxiety, no matter how hard i tried to push it back it just wouldn’t budge. and above it all, the love i had for my dad despite our issues just couldn’t drive the pain away. its been 17 years since mom went home and thats a dull ache now but i dread the end of june nonetheless.  maybe that will eventually happen with pop.

this last year was a year of firsts.  our first fathers day without dad – that REALLY sucked.  memorial day, fourth of july, labor day, his birthday (that was really hard), thanksgiving christmas and new years.  those were particularly bad as pop always came to our home for dinner.  lol i have a pic of pop sleeping on the couch with kilo sound asleep beside him.  pop and tom always passed out after dinner.  and now i wont have that anymore and it still makes me sad and hurts.

i got the text a couple weeks ago from my sister that his cat Bach passed away.  i know pop is happy now though, he’s got both his babies with him.  coclet passed away several years ago. that was the first time i saw my dad cry in lord, 30 years? he was heart broken, he had planned on going out with coclet.  he brought coclet to tom and i so we could bury him and he was totally destroyed.  coclets grave is out back.  every time pop came over, he went over to coclets headstone and talked to him for a few minutes before coming in. pop loved animals. there was never any doubt about that.  when i was a little girl, he found a bunny on the side of the road that was injured.  he somehow picked it up, brought it home and took it to the vet the next day.  whatever happened to it i don’t remember, but that was my dad.  my dogs absolutely ADORED pop. now they bark at EVERYTHING that comes down the driveway, especially pez , and that stupid little dog barks at leaves, but when pops car pulled into the driveway – they ran to the window and started dancing, they KNEW pop pop was here and had treats for them. not a single bark came out of their mouths, but the happy whines – pop pop’s here, pop pop’s here!!!

when i first started socially unattractive a couple of years ago, i wrote a tribute to my dad. then made him read it lol. he always told me when i was growing up that i should be a writer, how all my teachers thought i should be a writer, blah blah blah.  but i once took a class on writing and we had to write a short story and the teacher, a published author actually told me i should write but partying took first place in my life lol.  but i wrote about my dad, how he was an awesome dad despite being such a bastard.  i wrote about how he would stock my sisters and i up with goodies for mischief night with instructions on which house to hit and when we came back empty handed, he went out and got more eggs and toilet paper lol.  how alix and i wanted a bottle of rum and he went out and got it.  at least i think i remember that – i do remember al and i riding to delaware in the back of a pick up to get a bottle and damn that was a cold night lmsao.   but pop read what i wrote, thanked me for it and told me he loved me.  that is a rarity.

naturally pop and i spent years at loggerheads with each other.  pop, a 3 figure iq attorney who actually did know it all, and me, a hippie born 15 years too late desperate to do things my way and get out from under my parents control.  those were some interesting times lol.  see i can laugh at it now! 😉  but then… sigh.  but he did try to encourage my sisters and i in things that we loved.  music is the only thing i love with all my being (my butthead notwithstanding).  so i was going to concerts damn near every weekend for about 4 years.  i knew every shady character at the spectrum on a first name basis lol but those truly are some of the best memories i have.  oh shit – pop taking me to my first concert –  i went alone to styx and he walked me to the door. how fucking embarrassing is that???? lmsao.

then along came the grandkids.  do we really need to go there?  pop was the.quintessential.poppop. the world rose and set on my kids – and then my sisters kids when they finally came along. there was no cost too expensive, nothing that was out of his reach for them.  *chuckling* my dad taught my kids from an early age how to sign a chit at aronomink. well hell, he did that with us when we were growing up.  we learned to swim there in the 70’s and my kids learned to swim there in the 90’s/00’s.  i have happy memories of the club and the bad bear button <seg>.  i can only hope my kids have the same. i rarely went there with them when pop took them – tattoo’s generally were frowned upon… but then again, i never liked to infringe on pop’s time with the kids. the only times we did were the annual pop trips to great adventure or hershey park. those were some fun times, just like they were when we were kids.  i am so glad though that pop got to watch my kids grow up. but it makes me sad though that my kids now have an empty spot in their lives where pop was in their heart.  they dont remember gram and how she worshiped them and the ground they learned to walk on. but i do. my mom loved those two so very much. so i told minime this morning to think happy thoughts for pop pop today and that he would be looking down on her and her brother, beaming with pride and love.  he will always be with them.

and maybe me.  i miss you so much dad. but i love you more.

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