waiting for my real life to begin

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walking in my old fool steps once again, and you say just be here now, forget about the past the mask is wearing thin. just let me throw one more dice, i know that i can win, im waiting for my real life to begin.  any minute now, my ship is coming in, i’ll keep checking the horizon, not check my machine, its sure to be that cold, it’ll happen soon soon oh so very soon, its just the times a leanin, and you’ll say be still my love, open up your heart, let the light shine in. dont you understand oh i already have a plan, im waiting for my real life to begin.

oh how i love colin hay gentle readers and if you dont, well somethin must be wrong with you.  ok just kiddin lol.  i liked men at work back in teh 80’s – a full decade of music i generally despised, but colin hay- well i just really liked.  his music reached me and if you want to reach me, find music that touches me.  the dead do that in spades.  this particular lyric really works it – because im still, waiting for my real life to begin. even at 47, im waiting for my real life to begin.  i think every bipolar sufferer can relate to that. we’re ok, i am, stuck in a spacewarp that i just can not find my way home from (thank you traffic).  but this lyric could be a discussion between the love of my life and me talking to each other.  i honestly dont know what i’d do without my old man. he grounds me the best that he’s able. hes my rock, my sanity and the man that i love who puts up with me.  im very lucky to have him and oh holy shit not this tune – somewhere over the rainbow/what a wonderful world by israel IZ kamakawiwo’ole.  my sister sent this to me when my dad passed away and it makes me cry, still after the last 2 years.  see – thats what i love yet hate about music. it touches me so deeply that it raises me up to the outer limits and also drags me to the depths of despair.  i miss my dad so much.  ahh teh chaos of my mind…  the meds dont calm it down all the time.  i should have known this tune would be on the colin hay channel on pandora.

open up your heart, let the love shine in.  dont you know how hard it is to let go and be vulnerable?  id rather jump into a box full of poisonous snakes than be vulnerable.  listen to nails down a chalkboard. (thankfully i cant hear too well lol).  i wish to god i didnt break all those years ago. i wish my demons had stayed in the locked box where i had banished them many years ago.  i wish i had let them kill me.  i was much harder then.  my walls were miles thick – until i met my husband and i let myself get soft.  i should have known that when i let go of the walls, they’d come tumbling down and i’d be left in the ashes of my life and back in therapy after destroying everything that meant anything to me. heavily medicated and not liking it.  being numb legally sucks.  being numb illegally is much more fun lol.  i hate being bipolar. i hate it so much. i cant control my moods.  manic is my daily life – i have hte energy to get thru the day and then the insomnia so i cant come down and get any rem sleep. but my bipolar is cursed with crushing lows where i’ll not go quietly into that dark night, i hit rock bottom, dig down more and decide im taking someone out with me if i cant get out of this black hole i am currently residing in.  its a hell that my family doesnt understand. its frightening in its intensity.  the lonliness and despair are crushing.  my beloved hides things when i crash.  funny but i cant find a knife at that time.  cant cook with out knives… or find my meds.  hmm.  fortunatly there is some little teeny tiny spark of light in the swirling blackness that is my mind and i know when i need a timeout, and for the first time in my life, i do the right thing rather than try to take myself out.

anytime now, my ship is coming in gentle readers.  or i like to think so. but really, deep down i know its not. my ship sailed away when i was a teenager and threw away every golden opportunity handed to me on a silver platter.  back then i was diagonosed as clinically severally depressed. and i was and my family didnt make it any easier for me, they were part of the problem.  it sucked.  no wonder i used every drug i could get my hand on and do it in excess lol. but man dems was some fun times  lotsa good memories i have alongside of the horrific ones. like climbing in the kitchen window at 2am and falling off the kitchen sink lol and walking over to the family room to let lips in and sneaking up the stairs, only stepping on certain places so they wouldnt squeek.  ha ha, fun times, fun times.  sometimes i wish i had gone to college, but that would have ended up with me dead of an overdose or on a clock tower and a sniper rifle. i HATE school.  more terrible memories of those assholes.  if i had a bucket list, they’d be on it.  see, now here my anger issues come shining thru.  and boy do i have a lot of anger. sigh.

dont you understand, oh i already have a plan, im waiting for my real life to begin…..

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just a song before i go a lesson to be learned travelling twice the speed of sound its easy to get burned

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yes gentle readers, im swinging downward and im really hoping i don’t crash and burn. that really sucks.  but more than that, i just found that this tune by csny just fit my mood and some issues that happened recently very well.  the incidents i shall not speak about albeit to say there are some harsh lessons to be learned and to have to live with regret will haunt them for years.  that makes me sad.

christ on a bicycle who cares about jerry sandusky. he’s going to die in jail. as it should be. changing the channel. ive got an episode of bridezillas to watch. i know, i know – but its amusing!  i just don’t understand how people go on these shows (read jersey shore – honey boo boo) and then look at their families in the face. what on glods green earth has become of this generation?  especially honey boo boo – a show i will NOT watch. that just gives that type of programming/family raising attention. negative attention to be specific. besides when i look at honey boo boo and wonder how the hell she gets crowned is beyond me, and when i look at her family i get the creeps. *shuddering* eeewwww.

hmm lets take a short walk in the wayback machine and review the weekend.  ahh what a fucking cold weekend it was and my friends patti, kim and i were at the delaware valley abate’s party the fall down ball.  had the weather been nicer (lets talk cold and WINDY) and it been held in oh say august lol there would have been a bigger attendance.  but it was what it was and it was a whole lot of fun.  pat, kim and i were there as vendors as kim is the owner/artist of Thoughts 2 Reality Sterling Silver Jewelry.  im now in the midst of creating a blog for her in order for her to get a presence online and sell her jewelry. it truly is lovely, she gave me a gorgeous silver and lapis pair of earrings – i’ve been wanting lapis for a very long time.  im saving my money to buy one of her slave bracelets (freakin gorgeous!!) as a dear friend of mine had a very bad accident (he fell off a porch with a desk), broke femur in 3 places, crushed wrist and broke his hand among ribs etc.  my friends are holding a fundraiser and raffle to raise money for him – he wont be going back to work for quite some time. it breaks my heart. i adore him to no end.  if there is anyone else out there who believes in paying it forward and would like to contribute, email me thru my about tab and i will give you the contact info.  but back to the fucking cold party (is anyone seeing a pattern here?) free food, free beer/drinks bike games and a very good band Storm.  i take my music seriously and when i say very good,i mean they WERE very good.  lol the delaware dominant was there and two of their proby’s were hawking for donations for a brother who recently passed away and had 4 daughters.  i followed them up to a tent up at the top of the hill and waited till they were done and approached them with a) honey, pull your damn pants up! (i HATE that lol) and b) i only have $10. how much is the moonshine, it would be $10 for jenny right? and i winked at the one proby and we all had a good laugh.  i gave them the tenspot and turned away and they said but what would you like?  um, nothing.  your brother went down and he had 4 daughters – that’s enough for me.  but you have to take something – how about a shirt? (now im thinking of the pa dom – my “family”, they’re the same but i will not wear anything that may upset them) and i just said no, its ok, i don’t need anything. and the tall one with the perpetually low jeans said how about a hat?  i said ok if you keep your damn jeans up! lol.  here’s my shout out to um never mind. i have a truly disturbed stalker and i don’t want anything to happen to her if she tries to get involved with more revenge against me.  huh would you believe she’s been at it for four years now?

we started packing up around dark, cold and dark lol and had a bitch of a time pulling the tent up and getting it to collapse properly.  thank you delval abate again for the help lol.  stupid little button just wouldn’t push so we could collapse it.  off we go, kim made her money back and then some – we’re working on her to understand that its going to take a while for her to make back all she made the week before and she already had a nice nest egg of jewelry to sell. but this was a great learning experience for all of us with regards to setting up a booth, how to do it in the wind (sheepish glance) and how much to bring.  i got home late naturally, it was dark and cold after all. told my beloved how the day went (he didn’t notice my 1%r hat for a while lol) and boy was i tired. oh boy was i tired. so off i went to put the electric blankey on the bed, turned it on high and get my jammies on cause goin to bed was happening very soon. it must have been soon cause i have very little memory of the rest of the night lol,.  but i need to make a huge thank you shout out to donna – if not for her, we never would have found it.  thank you donna , its been much too long.  i love you, ((((((donna)))))))

ahhh sunday.  Sundays are always good. start the morning off with church services ( i loves me some dr charles stanley – he makes me think, and feel loved by God). i think i even woke up in time for one of them, in touch (dr stanleys show).  most times im on my puter but listening to the service, but sunday – i put the puter down. for all our services. i needed to hear them. and then the bone-chill made itself present. remember, it was COLD AND WINDY saturday. i stayed in my jammies all day wrapped up in a blankey but the headache started, the bone aches started – i was not feeling well.  bayer migraine, advil, i love you. and that’s not forgetting xanax. it helps me relax when i get upset.  and richard, if you are still getting this, much less reading it – please tell alix im not in it for the drugs. xanax is the only med i take that could be construed as a *drug* and i take it as little as possible.  then tell her fuck you alix. you were wrong and your insistence to know everything about my treatment was out of line. then again there isnt a line she hasnt crossed lol. or at least said hello to lol.  or screwed or snorted lmsao.  but asides from that lol, i then proceeded to spend all day wrapped in my jammies, robe and blankey on the couch alternating from nap, to watching whatever good was on, to nap and you get the picture.  money was just as bad sans the terrible head ache and the body aches were taken care of with advil but i just was not going anywhere. but to sleep lol.

now ive made a couple of references to my stalker. i have reason to believe she is on the prowl again.  this time she not only admitted to trying to get a friend of mine fired from her job, she flat-out admitted she’s having my friends daughters work computer ghosted every night and audited.  those are illegal offences, can we say hacking?? – does this sound like a sane mind?  then i come to find someone called the police at my sons college claiming to be me.  im in touch with the campus police, so i can get the date, the recording of the call and the phone number.  suzanne arundale, i truly believe that was you and if you DIDNT think all that information and call wasnt recorded well you truly are dumber than whaleshit.  when i have the information, i. will. destroy. your. world.  you were warned before not to interfere with my children, specifically in the response to your silly email not to delete crap – which i forwarded to one of the DA’s of Rhode Island, who is your cousin. i think it was about then you disappeared from delphi which you are lifetime banned from, but that never stops you. i was then very amused to find out you were legally proven sane.  not for long.  if you are truly stupid enough to go after my daughter…  but enough of the dumb cunt. she doesn’t deserve even this much time.

did i mention its getting cold out?  and that i hate the cold?  get used to it gentle readers lol. cause i hate the cold. living in the philly burbs (far western burbs by lancaster) means we get cold every winter.  rumour has it that we’re going to get hammered like we did several years ago with snow. you have been warned gentle readers it might get ugly for the next couple of months.  i have to stock up on vodka and cranberry, capn’ morgans and hmm its a toss-up between my beloved yukon jack and tellamore dew.  smoooooooth.  if its going to be snowy like they said, so long as i have my booze, im cool. don’t need to worry bout food, the iga is next door lmsao.  all those windowlickers who flock to the stores at the very mention of a snowflake wont beat me there this time lol.

ahhh gentle readers. this is one of the things i like about writing. it makes the unhappies go away. or it shuts the voices down a bit.  but it also makes me sad to know that there are some people out there who have some very hard lessons to learn and that they will have to live with regret, i find unhappy. it happens, but there are some forms of regret that live with you forever and wake you up in the middle of the night saying oh man what have i done?  but sometimes that comes far too late to make nice, to say i was wrong im sorry, to love again, to make amends. and a sad note, my ex lives with that, if he allowed himself to realize that it was not all my fault and he seriously fucked up. it’s not even half my fault or a quarter. and he never once said im sorry i hurt you jen. and on that note…

just a song before i go to whom it may concern, travelling twice the speed of sound its easy to get burned.

and it’s because of bryan that i hate, utterly hate the song life in the fast lane.

your gonna hear electric music solid walls of sound

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benny, benny, benny, benny and the jets (whistle righteously). outstanding tune if you ask me but then again, im an old fan of classic rock music and elton john is no exception!  if i had to make an all time excellent driving disc, this tune would be on it.  car dancing notwithstanding lol.

there is only one way to listen to music and it is only solid walls of sound.  sadly lol its also because of my belief in solid walls that my hearing is somewhat damaged.   not just because i went to over a hundred concerts as a teenager (my father was under the belief that he was encouraging my deep love of music. he was, but he was also enabling my penchant for partying my ass off at said concerts lol and i knew who to know <seg>), but because i also listened to my walkman at full volume (walkman SA, whats that? – go google it kids lol), ok, here it is, i think  my stereo at home at full volume  (till mom started banging on the wall for me to turn it down, and in my car, which was a perfect concert hall.  i could crank that stereo at full volume and you could hear poppa was a rollin stone 3 blocks away!  loves me my motown! ok. my hearings not somewhat damaged, its really messed up lmsao.  a lot of it i blame on uncle ted at the tower in upper darby.  small intimate theatre, not a single bad seat in the house, perfect acoustics and i had 8th row seats.  lustful sigh – uncle ted in all his glory 20 feet away and speakers galore! mmmmm. i couldnt hear for 3 days and it was so worth it!!!

ive had this lyric in draft for quite some time however, life throwing me a curve ball inevitably fucks it up. and ive been tossed another curve ball and this certainly isnt going the way i intended it to go.  waking up to some really sucky news (and bitching at tom to answer my fone if im asleep and him telling me if my fone isnt in the bedroom, he wont answer it, jackass) and i mean really sucky news is just a wonderful way to start the day. what makes it even worse is there is nothing i can do about it. and i hate that.  and there is the realization that you are the one who screwed up the familial relationships (well hell, i knew it all all along and i had/have my reasons) and you try to make it right with the sisters.  i’ve always joked that there is no state in this union big enough for the 3 of us to be in.  at least for very long.  will it work?  only time will tell. glod love ya kiiiiiiiiiiid kid rock. you’ve been on high rotaton lately!

but on a lighter side, i have this absolutely GORGEOUS bruise on my upper arm and i have no idea how it got there! i am considering having it tattood for a fantastic memory’s sake~!  what a freakin hoot that day was!   getting lost sucks and no i am not getting a megellan tom.  funny i didnt think of it but i have telnav on my fone….  *looking everywhere but at you all* ALWAYS LISTEN TO THAT INNER VOICE!!!

aight. i’ve lost the mojo today. ive got too much on my mind to give you all, gentle readers something worth reading and please accept my apology.  aahhh but not so fast…  last week my best bud and i were sitting at the bar and there is a new young bartender (if she’s 16 i’ll be surprised lol. youth is wasted on the young).  in walks a fine lookin man in his vvmc colors. (sadly the bar does have a no colors rule).  there werent that many of us there so the rules were relaxed a bit for him and i was givin the chance to flirt a bit (its what i do – c’mon already!) and kel texted the owner to see if he could stay as his brothers were on they’re way.  oh the fun we had that afternoon.  the bartender (again, if she is 16 ill be surprised lol) said whats that – pointing to the classic rock channel on the tv – to which i replied, music.  flash grinned at me and the rest of us started laughing.  we strung it out as long as we could having him there because we were having a great time but eventually my dearest owner (im beng nice here honey lol) said no – if we relax the rules for one, we have to for all.  which we all understand, it is a biker bar after all.  so flash – you have a fan or 4 out here at the maple.  you will not be forgotten, and definintely not by me!  🙂

and on that note my friends,  i bid you a fond adieux…. at least till i get my mojo back lol

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