walking in my old fool steps once again, and you say just be here now, forget about the past the mask is wearing thin. just let me throw one more dice, i know that i can win, im waiting for my real life to begin.  any minute now, my ship is coming in, i’ll keep checking the horizon, not check my machine, its sure to be that cold, it’ll happen soon soon oh so very soon, its just the times a leanin, and you’ll say be still my love, open up your heart, let the light shine in. dont you understand oh i already have a plan, im waiting for my real life to begin.

oh how i love colin hay gentle readers and if you dont, well somethin must be wrong with you.  ok just kiddin lol.  i liked men at work back in teh 80’s – a full decade of music i generally despised, but colin hay- well i just really liked.  his music reached me and if you want to reach me, find music that touches me.  the dead do that in spades.  this particular lyric really works it – because im still, waiting for my real life to begin. even at 47, im waiting for my real life to begin.  i think every bipolar sufferer can relate to that. we’re ok, i am, stuck in a spacewarp that i just can not find my way home from (thank you traffic).  but this lyric could be a discussion between the love of my life and me talking to each other.  i honestly dont know what i’d do without my old man. he grounds me the best that he’s able. hes my rock, my sanity and the man that i love who puts up with me.  im very lucky to have him and oh holy shit not this tune – somewhere over the rainbow/what a wonderful world by israel IZ kamakawiwo’ole.  my sister sent this to me when my dad passed away and it makes me cry, still after the last 2 years.  see – thats what i love yet hate about music. it touches me so deeply that it raises me up to the outer limits and also drags me to the depths of despair.  i miss my dad so much.  ahh teh chaos of my mind…  the meds dont calm it down all the time.  i should have known this tune would be on the colin hay channel on pandora.

open up your heart, let the love shine in.  dont you know how hard it is to let go and be vulnerable?  id rather jump into a box full of poisonous snakes than be vulnerable.  listen to nails down a chalkboard. (thankfully i cant hear too well lol).  i wish to god i didnt break all those years ago. i wish my demons had stayed in the locked box where i had banished them many years ago.  i wish i had let them kill me.  i was much harder then.  my walls were miles thick – until i met my husband and i let myself get soft.  i should have known that when i let go of the walls, they’d come tumbling down and i’d be left in the ashes of my life and back in therapy after destroying everything that meant anything to me. heavily medicated and not liking it.  being numb legally sucks.  being numb illegally is much more fun lol.  i hate being bipolar. i hate it so much. i cant control my moods.  manic is my daily life – i have hte energy to get thru the day and then the insomnia so i cant come down and get any rem sleep. but my bipolar is cursed with crushing lows where i’ll not go quietly into that dark night, i hit rock bottom, dig down more and decide im taking someone out with me if i cant get out of this black hole i am currently residing in.  its a hell that my family doesnt understand. its frightening in its intensity.  the lonliness and despair are crushing.  my beloved hides things when i crash.  funny but i cant find a knife at that time.  cant cook with out knives… or find my meds.  hmm.  fortunatly there is some little teeny tiny spark of light in the swirling blackness that is my mind and i know when i need a timeout, and for the first time in my life, i do the right thing rather than try to take myself out.

anytime now, my ship is coming in gentle readers.  or i like to think so. but really, deep down i know its not. my ship sailed away when i was a teenager and threw away every golden opportunity handed to me on a silver platter.  back then i was diagonosed as clinically severally depressed. and i was and my family didnt make it any easier for me, they were part of the problem.  it sucked.  no wonder i used every drug i could get my hand on and do it in excess lol. but man dems was some fun times  lotsa good memories i have alongside of the horrific ones. like climbing in the kitchen window at 2am and falling off the kitchen sink lol and walking over to the family room to let lips in and sneaking up the stairs, only stepping on certain places so they wouldnt squeek.  ha ha, fun times, fun times.  sometimes i wish i had gone to college, but that would have ended up with me dead of an overdose or on a clock tower and a sniper rifle. i HATE school.  more terrible memories of those assholes.  if i had a bucket list, they’d be on it.  see, now here my anger issues come shining thru.  and boy do i have a lot of anger. sigh.

dont you understand, oh i already have a plan, im waiting for my real life to begin…..