your gonna hear electric music solid walls of sound

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benny, benny, benny, benny and the jets (whistle righteously). outstanding tune if you ask me but then again, im an old fan of classic rock music and elton john is no exception!  if i had to make an all time excellent driving disc, this tune would be on it.  car dancing notwithstanding lol.

there is only one way to listen to music and it is only solid walls of sound.  sadly lol its also because of my belief in solid walls that my hearing is somewhat damaged.   not just because i went to over a hundred concerts as a teenager (my father was under the belief that he was encouraging my deep love of music. he was, but he was also enabling my penchant for partying my ass off at said concerts lol and i knew who to know <seg>), but because i also listened to my walkman at full volume (walkman SA, whats that? – go google it kids lol), ok, here it is, i think  my stereo at home at full volume  (till mom started banging on the wall for me to turn it down, and in my car, which was a perfect concert hall.  i could crank that stereo at full volume and you could hear poppa was a rollin stone 3 blocks away!  loves me my motown! ok. my hearings not somewhat damaged, its really messed up lmsao.  a lot of it i blame on uncle ted at the tower in upper darby.  small intimate theatre, not a single bad seat in the house, perfect acoustics and i had 8th row seats.  lustful sigh – uncle ted in all his glory 20 feet away and speakers galore! mmmmm. i couldnt hear for 3 days and it was so worth it!!!

ive had this lyric in draft for quite some time however, life throwing me a curve ball inevitably fucks it up. and ive been tossed another curve ball and this certainly isnt going the way i intended it to go.  waking up to some really sucky news (and bitching at tom to answer my fone if im asleep and him telling me if my fone isnt in the bedroom, he wont answer it, jackass) and i mean really sucky news is just a wonderful way to start the day. what makes it even worse is there is nothing i can do about it. and i hate that.  and there is the realization that you are the one who screwed up the familial relationships (well hell, i knew it all all along and i had/have my reasons) and you try to make it right with the sisters.  i’ve always joked that there is no state in this union big enough for the 3 of us to be in.  at least for very long.  will it work?  only time will tell. glod love ya kiiiiiiiiiiid kid rock. you’ve been on high rotaton lately!

but on a lighter side, i have this absolutely GORGEOUS bruise on my upper arm and i have no idea how it got there! i am considering having it tattood for a fantastic memory’s sake~!  what a freakin hoot that day was!   getting lost sucks and no i am not getting a megellan tom.  funny i didnt think of it but i have telnav on my fone….  *looking everywhere but at you all* ALWAYS LISTEN TO THAT INNER VOICE!!!

aight. i’ve lost the mojo today. ive got too much on my mind to give you all, gentle readers something worth reading and please accept my apology.  aahhh but not so fast…  last week my best bud and i were sitting at the bar and there is a new young bartender (if she’s 16 i’ll be surprised lol. youth is wasted on the young).  in walks a fine lookin man in his vvmc colors. (sadly the bar does have a no colors rule).  there werent that many of us there so the rules were relaxed a bit for him and i was givin the chance to flirt a bit (its what i do – c’mon already!) and kel texted the owner to see if he could stay as his brothers were on they’re way.  oh the fun we had that afternoon.  the bartender (again, if she is 16 ill be surprised lol) said whats that – pointing to the classic rock channel on the tv – to which i replied, music.  flash grinned at me and the rest of us started laughing.  we strung it out as long as we could having him there because we were having a great time but eventually my dearest owner (im beng nice here honey lol) said no – if we relax the rules for one, we have to for all.  which we all understand, it is a biker bar after all.  so flash – you have a fan or 4 out here at the maple.  you will not be forgotten, and definintely not by me!  🙂

and on that note my friends,  i bid you a fond adieux…. at least till i get my mojo back lol

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all about me, yes. it. is

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im lifting some of my post (the title as a beginning) gentle readers from a lady who i have the utmost respect for – klonnie, author of the Klonopin Chronicles blog and who also runs, yes, you got it The Klonopin Chronicals on facebook.  I have her blog listed down below on my blog roll as it is one of my favorite blogs and im a huge fan of her facebook page.

Klonnie states on her blog: “Klonopin is mild anti-anxiety medication that my mental illness allows me to enjoy. Well, “enjoy” is a funny word. Taking psychotropic drugs because you need to is kind of a waste of a good buzz. Like actually being sick on a sick day. But I have a blast making fun of everyone and everything. If you have read this far, you will fit right in.”  now while i dont take klonopin (i had a  bad reaction to it which was hysterically funny, i totally agree with what she says.)  i take xanax, a drug that i am totally terrified of due to its addiction potential, and i take it only when i absolutely have to, like when i have to go to wallyworld or if i absolutely have to go to wegmans (if you’ve been following my blog, you know why).  Klonnie and i share a particular illness known as bipolar, or rapid cycling bipolar disorder. but i also suffer from anxiety/panic disorder and ptsd.  but as klonnie said lol taking psychotropic drugs because you need to is kind of a waste of a good buzz. and yes like being sick on a sick day.  but i have to take it or things get bad for me.

now i once had a friend who insisted in being told EXACTLY what i was taking when i finally broke down emotionally and when i refused to give her the information she thought she had the right to have, she accused me of “being in it for the dope”.  now you tell me gentle readers, is that an abuse of a friendship or what?  this chick also thought she had the right to know how much our mortgage was. she was one of those people who felt that they had the right to know every little detail in your life.  i dont understand people like that but i also know that she went on to discuss my personal issues with other people so who really cares. she’ll lie to get the info she wants and she’ll lie to make herself look better to others.  *shrugs* its one of those things you have to deal with when you’re bipolar and have/had ignorant friends.

i also take other meds that allow me to almost function like a quasinormal person. as someone who is also an insomniac – one of those meds is an antipsychotic which allows me to sleep at night as well as not kill people lol.  i know in texas, the defense they needed killin is probably valid, so mebbe i ought to move to texas and stop taking that particular med. so i wont sleep, but then the psychotic personality will get out of control and well, <seg>.  but so help me glod, if you call me in the middle of the night – someone better be fucking dead.  but lets not forget my antidepressant that i take daily and the meds from my neuro for my debilitating migraines.  if you suffer from them like i do (ive been known to pull over on my way to work and puke) talk to your doc and take topamax – and its generic now!!!   my doc was able to get me samples of my antipsychotic that was just removed from the formulary.  i left the bag in the truck cause i forgot about it.  asshole brought it in and accusations flew.  what a wonderful support system i have eh?

but all that being said lol i have a patch on my vest:  heavily sedated for your protection.  i laugh at it with others, but i know that its true.  and im struggling.  struggling to make it out of the crash im in now.  you see – bipolar disorder is a dual action game.  i can soar high, be hysterically funny, almost normal, whatever that is, have no problems leaving the house and getting things done. but with the soaring highs come the crashing lows where if i had the ways and means i would not be here now.  and its not the fall that hurts you. its the sudden stop and you have no idea just how low it gets.  leaving the house becomes problematical, being an actual productive citizen – yeah fucking right. i hate everyone and every thing and hate myself even more with a violence of a thousand glaring suns.  sounds like fun doesnt it?  and like only a few know, so long as im talking about it, no one has to worry. its when i stop talking about it….  no ones noticed that ive been giving away slowly my most valued posessions. see -im that good. and only here im talking about it and the best part – no one will notice. or care. i put up a pic on my facebook – one of those family is not just blood or something like that and sent it to my sisters with the caption i know who my family is and defriended them.  dont think they noticed.  but i know who my family really is.  called one sis and got the distinct impression she didnt want to talk to me.  other sister doesnt return calls or emails.  fuck them both.  i was happier when they werent in my life and like i stated yesterday i wish to fucking glod that phone call was not made at christmas.  i wish that with all my being.  every.damn.day i wish that call wasnt made.  every fucking dog damn day.  i dont want to be here.

you see, yes, it is all about me. and if you dont like it, dont pick up the phone, send an email or text – just dont. i dont need it, im having a hard enough time as it is and i dont want your fake sympathy or care. and the best part – my old man wont read my blog….. i doubt he ever has.  *snorts*

And Klonnie – this one’s for you.  thank you for being there!

kamakazi from the hundredth floor swan dive to the street

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that gentle readers is what crashing from a bipolar perspective feels like. fun aint it? but hey, its uncle ted so i can have that to think of right???  i mean really isnt this:

 one of the finest pieces of eye candy or specimens of manhood you’ve ever seen?  sweet jezus… it makes me weak kneed even sitting down lol.  my beloved wont let me put a poster of ted in a loincloth over the bed.  creep.  but he did put my daughters poster of johnny depp as captain jack sparrow up in our room.  mmm tasty.

but i’ve been struggling over the last several days, or perhaps week. ( hmm maybe i ought to resize that pic of ted to seriously large). the year anniversary of pop was sucky even though i knew it was coming. perhaps this crash is the result of that, perhaps not. for the love of god, im having a hard time just typing anymore. *looks at hands* what the fuck is wrong with you???  but the musics quiet again which is a telltale sign of the crash. my graymatter is a living jukebox. i’ve always got a tune playing so when the musics gone the voices are back and i dont particularly care for that.  it would be different if they were like sleeptalkinman, then i could laugh about it but i am not blessed with that particular gift of gab.

its t-2 to move day. a day im dreading and looking forward to with all my being.  we’re finally getting out of this place and into life (ie no more sliding down my hill in the winter).  but im so damned sick and tired of boxing up everything in the house, throwing stuff out that we dont need anymore.  i am constantly amazed at how much crap  we’ve accumulated in 8 years lol.  but best of all, i found a place that shreds documents so i can take all those files from 8,7,6,5 years ago and get rid of them.  no use keeping that crap around!  i do admit, i’ll miss living in the woods but im liking where we’re going much better.  all that being said, perhaps the moving is causing some of the crash. i dont do change well.

i do enjoy however wandering thru wordpresses freshly pressed and discovering new blogs.  eggtons is awesome, childhood relived is hysterical.  looser or not is black humor par excellence, iamnotdefined is wonderful for advice.  the scrumptious pumpkin has great recipes and there are several more i really like but cant remember (typical for me) and im not finding them in my email, crap!  i would really like to get to know some of these bloggers someday, because they are funny, write well and i see some of myself in them.  i like that and i can learn much from them! 🙂

i do want to change up my blog a bit. i think im going to re-arrange my favorites a bit. put them in categories that makes them easier for visitors to navigate! like food, funny, art – that kind of stuff.  ive been trying to toy with my links but its not doing what i want the technological bitch. but… i need first to get a shower and go to the store and get a can of fruit, i feel a cake coming on. im out of boxes so what the hell, its dump cake time!

and on that note gentle readers, gimme a couple of hours and then come over for dump cake! it’ll be party time!  and those who know me best know i love nothing better than a good party <seg>

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