landshark…

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yes gentle readers, im still on my shark kick – but that’s only because i realized that after i hit publish, i had forgotten some of the funnier memories of my youth (then not quite misspent lol).  as a family we used to take some of our family vacations down at longboat key in florida and they were some of the best vacations/memories of my life.  we had a beach front condo (all condos at cedars west are beach front) and a pool to swim in when you didn’t feel like trekking down the path that you did NOT stray from (SNAKES) to the beach.  my aunt and uncle had their condo and we rented ours which was either right next to theirs, right below theirs or on the other side of the “v” and we had the run of the area, like every kid did.  summer time when the weather is right, you could stretch right up and touch the sky…. man it truly didn’t get any realer than that. at nights on the beach, all us kids, stretched out on someones caravan or you know what im talking about lol we’d look up at the night sky that was lit up with the brilliance of millions of stars and every night we’d see shooting stars.  amazing.  that is something you never forget.

but back to sharks… lol its the gulf of mexico. there are sharks in the gulf.  and out in the gulf in front of our condos there were 2 sand bars.  we’d walk out to the first one then swim out to the second one.  we’d fish off the second one.  but i’ll never forget that one day my sister and my cuz stewby were fishing off the second sandbar.  i was up in my aunts condo (she had made key lime pie. i wasnt going anywhere!!!) and was on the porch watching my sis and cuz) and i noticed that there was a guy a bit further down on the second bar cutting up chum.  now for those of you who do not know what chum is and is used for – its shark bait.

now – when you’re out on the second bar, you need to keep your legs spread to keep your balance, you’re fighting and adjusting to the current.  im watching my sister and cuz fish and then, then i notice this rather large shadow in the water heading for my sister and cuz. i look again, its clear water and i see a hammerhead shark making a bee line to my sister.  with my heart in my throat im screaming at the top of my lungs to my sister who could not possibly hear me even if i had a megaphone.  im thinking im about to watch my sister die and then i see said shark swim right between my sisters legs and make a hard right towards the chummer.  i say again, right between her legs as she had her legs spread for balance sake.

i have never seen my sister or cuz run so fast in my life (except for the old sow/piglet incident lol). Jesus is not the only one to walk on water my gentle readers.  they didn’t even bother to reel in their lines. by that time, my sense of humor over took my fear and im rolling on the ground because by then, i was on the shore lol.  to put it in perspective – id say the distance from the second sand bar to the beach had to be probably 100 yards. and the depth between the 1st and 2nd bar was much deeper than i.  we had to swim to get there and it was a fair swim.  now i just pulled up cedars west on google maps. it’s very difficult to tell where the sandbars are but the second one is very clear and the distance from the 1st (which is very close to shore) to the 2nd is obvious lol.  but it also is bringing back some very happy memories of sun filled summer days at the beach – and even at 8 months pregnant with my daughter, being out on the beach in a bikini and having to dig a pit in the sand so i could lay on my belly.  there would be people walking down the beach and they would stop to watch me try to stand up as my belly kept coming and coming and coming out of the sand.

i think once i just said can ya give a girl a hand here? lol.  someone has a video of me down there that summer laying on the couch with the remote on my belly, and the remote was moving all over the place – my darling daughter was making her presence known lol.  but i’ll tell you one thing – don’t even bother to waste your money on a maternity suit. they’re hideous. get a bikini – be proud of that critter your cooking!!!  i certainly was!!!! 😀  kinda like when i was 5 months pregnant and took my son to his first concert – guns n roses (yes axhole showed up).  at one point during the show, probably mr brownstone i looked down and said to my belly – listen up boy, it don’t get any better than this!!!

lmmfsao no shark tale would be complete with out a shout out to my beloved’s last wife, hmmm, lets call her crystal. (my heads down, shoulders shaking with silent laughter).  apparently they had gone to the aquarium (im not sure if dh was there or not) and at the shark exhibit, a shark swam by basically right against the water-glass where “crystal” had her hand on the plexiglas.  oh dear lord, i don’t know if i can go on lmsao.  crystal came home to tell tom that she touched a shark.   hold on, i have to go smoke for this one lol.  i swear to glod, she honestly believed she. touched. a. shark. she still believes that to this day.  i have verification on the crystal stories from my beloveds friends and i once looked at tom and said honey, you are without a doubt one of the more intelligent men i’ve had the pleasure to know – but what the fuck were you thinking? lol.  all he can think was that the Lord had a reason and it was probably for her to be Saved.  (all of us have received Christ).  but hearing the stories – like tom would come home from work and sit outside for an hour drinking a beer or two before going in and finding out what disaster had befallen her/them is my personal favorite , well next to spanky his african grey who apparently hated crystal and when she spoke, spanky started shrieking lol.

but back to real shark stories lol.  when we were at longboat key, we were witness to a shark and dolphin fight between the sandbars.  now THATS SOME COOL SHIT!!  we swam out to the first sand bar and would run back and forth following the fight. naturally to our parents horror lol. they’re hollering GET BACK HERE and we’re not listening to them at all, we wanted to see the fight.  and if memory serves, in the event of a shark/dolphin fight, it’s generally the dolphin who wins.  but we didn’t know that till later, we just wanted to watch the water roiling, fins flailing – it was one of the more amazing things i have been privileged to see. and yup, said dolphin won. and boy were our parents pissed lol.  then another time, my uncle was out on a plane – they would frequently cruise up and down the coast making sure it was safe as sharks swim in schools, especially hammerheads and sho nuff, bout a mile down from us was a big school of hammerheads swimming actually peacefully around the swimmers who probably didn’t know they were there. and they were headed our way.

naturally my parents and aunt wouldn’t let us out in the gulf that day till the sharks had gone past. buzz kills, all of them!

i don’t remember any sharks tales from the carribean (only a baby squid and some righteous smoke), nor hawaii or cali – and definitely england (wicked afghani hash) or italy – but that doesn’t mean i didn’t have a damn good misspent time/youth there. but those are tales for another day.

and as i used to say to my once upon a lifetime or 4 ago best friend becky: LANDSHARK!  (click the picture lol)

Candy Gram

queue scary music nekke woman swimming in the ocean duhdum dudhum dudhmduhdumduhdum

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yes gentle readers, you guessed right – its JAWS! that damn movie that kept me outta the jersey ocean for damn near 30 years now.  ok, mebbe i went in up to my waist once or twice in these last 30 years but that was IT!  that was knowing that the great white can come in to water that is waist deep for me, me being 6 foot. *shakes head at my incredible stupidity*.

so, why am i writing about big scary sharks now?  weeelllll, i was watching the news this morning and happened to catch a story bout a great white sighting off the coast of somewhere maine. whew i thought. better them then here at my shore!  but then i happened to listen a little bit more and i think i heard of another sighting of a great white somewhat closer to me and i was displeased.  its not like i have any intention of going to the shore mind you, its just the fact that should my dear heart and i decide to get a wild hair and go to the shore for the day and night (ie sleeping on the beach, it doesnt get any more romantic than that providing you dont get caught) i dont want to be shark snack.  reasonable isnt it?  i certainly think so and considering that ive spent the majority of my life avoiding places where there are critters bigger and meaner than i am, i think that is a perfectly responsible ideal.

ive never gone camping, tent camping to be precise and rv camping isnt high on my list of things either as bears can get in there as well. bears are bigger and meaner than i am. hence my rationale for not camping.  i did go deep water fishing once but that was when i was a kid and 8 foot tall and sharkproof.  i say 8 foot tall as when you are around 12 and under, you’re only 8 foot tall as opposed to being your normal 10 foot tall and bullet proof when you are a teenager.  best thing about that trip was that i caught, with the help of my dad, a 17 pound grouper.  i almost won the prize for the largest catch of the day!  now we were out  and i mean way out in the ocean in a safe seafaring vessel.  and i was a kid and afraid of nothing (this was pre jaws, whew).

but then…. peter benchely and stephen spielberg had to totally destroy my 10 year old life when jaws came out.  precience was more than adequate: You’ll never go in the water again! and i’ll be damned if i didnt go in the ocean for years.  no fucking way was i going into a sea where there were critters bigger and meaner than me especially after hearing those immortal words: they’re going to need a bigger boat.

aw fuck.

you’ll never go in the water again…

i really gotta work on my insert picture skills. hmmm.  even when i graduated highschool and went to the shore for 3 glorious drunken weeks i didnt go anywhere near the ocean lol. even when my friends deserted me and left me to find my own way back home i didnt go into the sea lol.  i always found that amusing about my friends back then.  i paid for everything, they took everything and split, or used it all and didnt reimburse or turn me on etc.  i never saw it back then but i do now. they used the hell out of me, my best friend especially, and i shake my head at my own stupidity/insecurity. but its all good. karma’s my handmaiden and quite a bitch!

i once remember my dad telling me about his sister who lived somewhere at the jersey shore. she was a realtor (and her kids are too) – i have vague memories of aunt sis – happy memories – and happy memories are few and far between for me – but he had told her that he and i think my uncle paul, not sure had been out in the bay and saw a shark.  she told him no, you didnt.  pop said sis – we saw a shark!  lol and she told him al, you most certainly did NOT see a shark. if you saw a shark, i would lose bookings! lmsao.  now granted that was a very long time ago but still – i can see her reasoning lol.  i do have some memories of being at the shore as a very little girl visiting my gram and aunt sis and i treasure those memories shark or no shark lol. aunt sis would make chocolate chip cookies and i would have chocolate chip cookies and milk with gram and aunt sis and one of her cats, but i dont remember that name and with pop gone, i’ll never know that again.

even as a landlubber, ive always lived within a 3 hour ride from the shore. i cant imagine living anywhere else or being totally landlocked. there is something about sitting on the beach looking out into infinity, the sound of the waves swooshing on the beach on a quiet day, sea gulls crying, flying and swooping down trying to snatch some kind of food out of your hand.  its calming. the salt air helps you sleep at night along with the sound of waves crashing on the beach.  i swear the best sleep ive ever had was at the shore.

but now thats all gone again.  well not gone, just relegated to the closet in the back of my mind because of that damned shark sighting. i know. i know dammit. i know that if we take a ride down to the shore there will be a great white sighting at the shore im at.  and i know that i know that i know that bastard will be looking for me and i sure as hell aint gonna be a shark snack.

queue scary jaws theme music…..

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