i attacked the upcoming nest of carpenter bees that are attempting to move in over my back door. grumpy killed 3 of the nasty critters already, looking like a circus sideshow freak with arms and legs flailing – fly swatter swishing and swashing. but still, there was one (that i know of) that was left and he was bound and determined to take up residence.  over my dead body.

when i saw him land and “walk in his front door”, i said ENOUGH!. in the house i went in search of the flyswatter that is always in its accustomed place.  i knew that but i still had to look.  its what i do.  i know where it is. i know that its there, near the back door. but i still have to take a quick look around.  but with flyswatter in my hand like a samurai sword, out the back door i went, on the sneak attack.

wham wham wham i banged the overhang about where i knew he was and sure enough, a few seconds later out he came  and would you believe, this bee looked right at me and tried to poo on me!!!! (yes, bee’s poo). then he started his buzzing around our back porch.  after watching him closely to get an idea of how he was going to react, and how i was going to ninja him down and kill him, i assumed the crane position, and with a waaooaoaoaao off i went.

the bee zigged, the bee zagged with me in hot pursuit. when he zigged, i zigged. when he zagged, i zagged watching him ever so closely in order to get an idea of where he was going to go. this was no ordinary carpenter bee, this bee was a pro, he obviously had been stalked before. i followed him around the grill, swatter at the ready waiting for my shot.  this bee gave me a run for my ninja skill money and wasnt making this easy. i guess you dont get that big without being able to evade hunters.  but he hadnt met me yet.  a mistake he would regret with his life.

i saw my opening when he hesitated briefly and SWAT came the swatter/samurai sword and i took that damn bee down right out of the air. but he was only stunned. for now. the hapless and shortly dead bee was on the ground, little legs flailing and i attacked that sob with a ferociousness  reserved for anyone who messes with my kids. whap whap whap whap whap. with each whap, the bee moved a bit so im chasing this dying menace across the patio making good and sure he was going to be dead shortly.  im tellin ya gentle readers, you’d think that with the strength of my samurai sword, he’d have been flattened but good but nooooo, the good Lord made these bees damn near indestructible.  it took me a good 6 shots with my swatter to make sure he was dead (i wasnt wearing shoes so there was no stomping on said bee) but he wouldnt flatten and when i hit something, i hit it like a man.  i dont play games.

finally, the bee gave up his ghost and met the DEATH of BEE’S. with arms raised in a V and the dead lay in a pool of bee goo below, i did my victory dance of joy.  you do know, its hard to enjoy your patio when you have bigassed carpenter bees flying around. i like to enjoy my patio and thats also where we put out the heinous hounds. so its a good idea to be bee free.  we’ve got our exercise equipment out there, a picnic table, chairs, cooler and a grill. its a happenin patio.  we also share it with our neighbor who is free to use our stuff (sans exercise equipment).  we’re nice that way. if you use the grill, just give us a few bucks for the propane or buy a tank lol.  we have a great neighbor so we dont mind.

it finally looks like the DEATH of BEES has taken up residence out back warning carpenter bees of their impending doom should they decide to try to move in. the front porch however….. has those nasty hornet/wasps. not the happy yellow jackets that will fly away if you swat at their general direction or blow smoke at them. nooooo, these fuckers, if you try a concerted attack will come after you with repeated stings (not speaking from experience here lol).  these critters who are trying to take up residence will need a different kind of attack – the raid bee killer can, sprayed at dusk in the areas where they are trying to make a home.  you see, we also enjoy sitting out front in the late afternoons watching the traffic go by. its a country living thing.  we have our table and chairs with buttcan (we smoke outside) set up nicely to enjoy everything from the beautiful sunrises we get here, to the boomers moving over the fields to nightfall, when its cool and breezy and feels so comfortable.

as you can see, i dont like bees gentle readers lol. but my mad ninja skills proved effective in ridding our back patio of a very large and nasty critter!  now to get the hounds, particularly pez from chasing birds or copping the smell of the young rabbits who live here. one of them got right by the little vermin killer without him even seeing it, to the delight of grumpy and i who watched the whole thing!

ahhhh country living. i wouldnt trade it for anything!